Young Writers Society

it is a review.
wow! very impressive and good one.You are very true about this virtual life style.But for me, it is a blessings. Cause , as a third world female it is very hard for come out in the light. I mean so many reasons that I could not post or published my but this network and online systems gives me a chance to write something and correct my words.And it is a lovely backyard for me . Where I can take a break.

Hi there, I saw this on your wall and wanted to leave a few of my thoughts here in honor of Review Month.
Short Note on Grammar
So, I'm not going to go into the specifics of the grammatical issues because the other two reviewers already went into that. But I would say that a second look into those little issues of misplaced commas, and question marks really goes a long way for looking a piece look polished, especially when it's intended to be a convincing article. For some reason, an audience will likely start making assumptions about intelligence of the writer even based on small things like grammar, so I would definitely suggest going the extra step and catching those little typos that we all make.

[Also as a general rule, commas and question marks always go immediately after a word, like this (word, ) rather than before the next word like this (word ,word)]

Tone
Now one aspect that I think you did really well in this piece was in regards to tone. The piece starts out conversational "let's talk about this" which is perfect for the content of the piece. It sounds like a friend rather than a professor is speaking to the audience. At moments it does get a bit preachy (like when there's the all-caps) or when you asking the audience to do something without warranting (giving reason) for why you're asking them to do it. One way to avoid sounding overly self-righteous in an essay like this would be to add in personal examples of how this method of life has applied to your life, and what struggles you may have encountered along the way in changing to live how you suggest to. This is a good way to build up trust between the speaker and the audience which means they're more likely to believe you as well.

Format
Now the last aspect that I wanted to mention was formatting. For these sorts of essays a reader will generally expect some form of thesis followed by points that are supported by evidence. This evidence can come in the form of reasoning, or examples, or studies that have been done. In your essay we get some of this, but it could use a bit of clarity. I think your piece wanders a bit in what the main point actually is, I would try to narrow down a thesis and then eliminate the what doesn't go with that message in the piece. You also make a lot of points, but most of it isn't always followed by evidence or reasons why we should feel this way or do these things. If you make sure to add these two elements the reasoning behind your essay would be a lot stronger. While you have some of them now, I think clearing it up and putting the "evidence" that supports your points in terms that actually support them would make your piece more convincing overall.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and writing, I enjoyed reading your perspective!

Best of luck in your writing!

~alliyah

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Well, I understand this was supposed to be inspiring and all, but I personally didn't really feel as inspired as I wanted to be. This is mainly because of the many errors you made. But don't be discouraged! We all make mistakes!

The first line should really be written like this:
"Let's take a minute and think: Are any of the people around you dear to you?"
I reworded the question a bit because the one you used just didn't really get the message across instantly. In articles, you've got to make the first line be as easy to understand and effective as possible. The second question you pose is good, but I'd write that sentence as shown above.

"Some of us will answer positively and the other part of responds will be negative.It's completely ok!'Cause that what I've been expecting ."
How do you know answering with 'yes' will make the answer positive? This isn't a test for a disease. Having people close to you may be considered as something good for your mental health, but at least one of those people will turn on you at on point or another. Also, spaces need to stay after full stops and other punctuation marks which end a sentence, not before them. Also, don't write with stuff like ,,'cause" because it just lowers the credibility of your article.

"It'll take quite a long time to remember." Remember what?

"...This mentioned questions..." You mean, "...These mentioned questions..."

"...Tonday..." I do believe that's supposed to be "Today".

"And relations turn into an ice, if it describes the situation." No, it really doesn't describe the situation very well. Make things in your article as clear as possible, otherwise the reader isn't going to want to read it because they don't understand. Also, you don't "turn into an ice", you "turn into ice".

"...people! let's..." The 'l' in "let's" should be capital.

"If we need smth ,let's just ask.
If we are wrong, let's just say sorry.
Miss someone ?then call.
Love someone? it's not a shame ,shout about it.
I can endlessly continue ..."

Ok, let's go the quote above:
First line: don't use abbreviations or slang unless it's very necessary. Remember, more than one specific group will read this and might not understand. Also, the space comes after the comma, not before it.

Third line: Again, spacing and one capital letter missing.

Fourth line: Capital letter and very little logic. Why would you want to shout about loving someone? You probably will get a lot of looks from the people around you and you'll start building up a reputation for yourself. I understand what you're trying to say, but the whole world doesn't need to know and/or doesn't care whether you love someone or not.

Fifth line: Word order. Should be: "I can continue endlessly".

"This is a key of joy and happiness." Firstly, by saying "A key of joy", you're saying there's more than one. What are the others? Where are they? Also, WHAT is the "key of joy and happiness"?! Don't just say "this", or people will just not know what you're talking about, mainly because of the line before, which suggests that you're suggesting that "Time flies and you can't catch it" is the key of joy and happiness. Clarity, my friend, you'll need it.

Overall, I'd say this article is alright, but there are a few mistakes you need to correct and use some clarity in your writing.
I understand this review is very harsh, but I'm simply trying to help you improve.

Hello, hello! Whatcha here for her first review of the evening!

Okay, first off, there are, as soulsareclouds says, a fair amount of grammar/punctuation mistakes.

Mostly, it's the commas and spaces. For example, ''DON'T WAIT SOMEONE TO TAKE A STEP ,DO IT YOURSELF!" do you see "STEP ,DO"? it should instead be "STEP, DO".
You repeat that error many times - nothing big, but enough to annoy me Anyway, you repeat that spacing mistake with question marks, etc.

There are also some missing words - going right back to "DON'T WAIT SOMEONE TO TAKE A STEP ..." should be "DON'T WAIT for SOMEONE TO TAKE A STEP".
Oh, and, ''if we need something, let's just ask'' ... you spelled 'something' 'smth'. It might help to fix that, along with some other typos

I'm sure if you carefully read it over (aloud can help) you will notice all the little nitpicks - one of my rules is always read it over before you publish it

As for actual content, I'll move onto that.

''let's take a minute and think'' feels a little cliché, or maybe to informal. Instead, you could say something along the lines of, ''how often do you think, "Are there people who are precious for us or not?" ''
And here I have another question. What do you mean exactly? People we love? People who love us? It may be me, but I find 'are there people who are precious for us' a bit confusing.

Next -
You also say ' 'cause', which is very informal. It will probably sound better as 'because'.
And also, 'ok' should be, technically, 'OK'.

Question - what is the row of asterisks for? By that I mean the,
********

Again, you say 'communicating' instead of 'communication'.

Not much else to say except this made me think, which is good.

Good luck writing!

~whatcha
(from team Summer)

I don't know if this is to be read or spoken but either way, it's powerful and motivating. You've made a few simple grammatical/spelling errors and if you pm me I'll give you my email and I'm happy to correct them. (it's kind of difficult to do in a comment) No worries if you don't want to. To be honest, you affected me and I might go tell someone I love them. Keep writing