PROLOUGE
It was blistering hot, in the room, I could feel my sweat running down my face and neck until it got to my shirt, which was trying ineffectively to soak up all the perspiration. It was like somebody had tipped a bucket of water over my head. Hot and sticky I opened my eyes; the open fire had made the whole room seem a rusty orange colour. The told us to keep the fire going, to burn out her fever. Which as I know is absurd, but I don’t have any medical training whatsoever. So my opinion matters little. Andrew was sitting hunched over in his chair holding his head in his hands. He caught sight of me; he was crying; we just stared at each other for what seemed like an age.
“Why did we have to go nosing around?” he said through his teeth in a frustrated whisper “why couldn’t we just have left shit alone, why didn’t we just”
He was cut off mid sentence; we both looked over at the bed. She was speaking in French again. The volume of her voice was either that of a quite whisper to that of a desperate scream. Her mother was French, that’s how she learnt it I suppose, and I’d always admired Quincy’s passion for languages. She was very articulate when she spoke English, but when she spoke French it sounded like bells chiming, with a silver flute leading a chorus of violins. Nobody has heard such beauty. Which why it broke my heart to see her this way: her black hair which was usually baby soft, was now dry and damaged looking, draped over a white pillow. Anybody could tell she was quite ill, her lips melted into her pale skin, which was covered in a light sweat. She looked so small in that big bed, she had lost a lot of weight due to the fever, and she was very thin and fragile which frightened me more. I am afraid to touch her because I think she will break as easily as fine china.
“The nurse says she’s delirious, she doesn’t even know where she is! she just keeps babbling on and on in frog” said again through his teeth, as he looked at my reaction, I couldn’t speak, my mouth was all dry, and I was feeling dizzy from the heat. The humidity in the room was astounding; I could almost taste the sweat from everybody present.
“They say she’s not getting better, she’s dying Spook, she’s dying” he let out a wail of defeat and began sobbing loudly. These words hit me like a slap in the face, except one that caused my entire body to shake.
“Hush now!” said the nurse sharply, hovering around the bed, “if you two do not be silent, You will have to leave” I nodded, hesitantly; Quincy couldn’t die, she’s my best friend, I wont let her. A hot tear ran down my cheek as I contemplated life without Quincy. Unbearable.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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That would be better if you put a comma after the word 'sticky'. You seem to have a slight problem with punctuation.
Little typo there. It should be 'they'.
I think you could do without the word 'as'.
You should have capitalized the first 'why' and perhaps put a dash after the word 'just'. That would make sure people know he was cut off.
It should be quiet whisper.
That part sounds a little bit awkward. You could take away 'looking' and it would be just fine.
You put that in present tense. The rest of your prolgue is in past tense, so I suppose that you should change the tense.
Capitalize the 'she', and put a punctuation mark, perhaps a comma, before the ending quotation mark. And also, I think you left out the name of the speaker. The last part seems a bit too much like a run-on sentence. However, if you wanted to add a 'frantic' atmosphere, I think that would be fine.
Again, punctuation mark before the ending quotation mark. Also, you should capitalize 'he'.
Capitalize the 'if', the 'you' should be in lower case, and there needs to be a period before the ending quotation mark. You could do without the comma after 'nodded'.
You have a very interesting story, and I'd like to see more. However, you need to iron out a few technicalities first. Once done, I think this will be a great story. If you wish, PM me when another part is up! But please, remember the 2:1 rule. Have a great stay on the forums!
Hey jammydogder, welcome to YWS!
On this site we like to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to submissions. So once you've made at least two reviews to anything in the literary forums send me a PM and I'll be happy to look at this for you!
I'll be happy to review this for you if you do one small thing in return...make at least two reviews.
-Carly