Hi! I'm Max Evans, and I am on vacation with my family and my best friend Vincent. I'm so lucky! I'm on the world's largest airplane, The Flying City. It has four amazing floors a beautiful dining area, with great celebrations, fun activities, and cabins which are actually like hotel rooms. It is my dream come true to be on this airliner. My family, Vincent, and I were on our way to Australia for a safari adventure vacation.
We were relaxing in our cabins having a scary story contest. It was Vincent's turn and he was just finishing his story. "Then the ghost, ran off into the night, and was never seen again,” Vincent said in his best spooky voice. I do love a good story, though Vincent tends to go on tangents. Even my hamster Bowser was bored. First Vincent was talking about Zombies ending the world, then he was talking about gremlins under his bed, and finally he was talking about ghosts and the Ghostbusters showing up and scaring the ghost off into outer space. “Yeah I think the contest is over.” I said. “How about we play Chess instead?” Vincent frowned. “You’ve beat me three times on this flight. No thanks.” I don’t like to brag, but I have a pretty mean Bishop, and I knock out a lot of pieces with my pawn. “Come on guys, do something different, I’ve been watching you for the past three hours.” said my sister Tella from on the top bunk of our bed where she was relaxing. From the bathroom, my dad yelled," Listen to your sister Max!' I groaned. My dad is also with me on this vacation. My mom is at home because she won a week long outing at a spa.
We were just about to head down for dinner, when I heard something from outside. There was booming sound of thunder, and a flash of lightning. “Attention passengers, we have flown into a violent alantic storm. Please fasten your seatbelts for safety precautions." The flight attendant over the intercom said.
No one seemed afraid of the storm. Planes like this rarely get out of control, unless it gets struck by lightning. We headed to the dining room and fastened our seatbelts. “Good evening! What’s your order?” The waiter asked. “I’ll have chicken with balsamic and chips.” I replied. “I’ll have the supreme taco.” said my sister. But while we were taking our orders, I looked over to the cockpit. I saw the pilots trying to steer the plane through the storm. But just then, my life changed forever.
I overheard a warning from the pilot in the control tower. “You’re in the Bermuda Triangle! Where most planes gets struck down!” I started to worry. On no! I thought. The crew started panicking. “Hard to east! Turn the plane around! Engage evasive maneuvers!” The flight controller yelled at the pilots. “Engaging evasive action!” The pilot yelled. “Ride out with maximum power!” The control tower yelled. I knew something bad was about to happen. “Sounding Emergency Alarm!” The flight Attendant yelled. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! A loud siren sounded. The pilots yelled “Get into crash positions! This is not a drill! Prepare for emergency landing!” Everyone started screaming and fastened their seatbelts. But then, that’s when the evening of terror began.
ZAP! I saw a huge flash of lightning hit the top of the roof from the window. Most people were not buckled up yet. BOOM! There was an explosion! Everybody screamed. The lights flickered. I looked right and saw, the most terrible thing that could happen. The right engine had exploded. “Oh no!” I screamed again. Then the plane started slowly turning to the right. Both the engines coughed and wheezed. Then, they turned off. Everyone started screaming and falling forward!
I was horror stricken as the plane nose-dived from the clouds. “Grab on to something!” Dad yelled. “Tella, Vincent, Dad, I won’t let go of you guys!” I told them. “Were losing altitude!” The pilot screamed. Everyone went tumbling forward. The Grand Piano smashed into thousands of pieces making a horrible sound. Tables and chairs went tumbling forward. The plates fell off the counters and shattered into zillions of pieces. Water spilled out of the toilets and the sinks in the public bathrooms and flooded the halls. Fire from the engines spread. Once the clouds cleared, I saw, the Atlantic Ocean through the shattered window. I was heartsick, knowing there was nothing I can do to prevent a collision. I braced for impact as sounds of splintering wood, breaking china, and screaming people filled the plane. I saw the ocean within feet. A chandelier hit Vincent and knocked him out. I closed my eyes as the plane smashed into the water and exploded into a fireball. The glass shattered impact of water hitting me in the face knocked me flat. Then, I blacked out.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hi James!
First of all, I agree with what AdrianMoon and Chaser said. Three tiny things. One, in the sentence "Listen to your sister Max!" You had and extra space between listen and the quotation mark and the word, and you had the wrong type of quotation at the end of the sentence. Secondly, there needs to be a space between the fifth and sixth paragraph so it is even with the way you space out the other paragraphs. Finally, in the sentence, "The flight attendant yelled." You capitalized attendant, which you did not need to do. Anyways good start! Happy writing!
First piece? Sweet.
As a whole, this piece was an exciting read. The part where the plane crashed was especially well-done.
One thing I'm wondering about Max himself is his reaction to their being in the Bermuda Triangle. I gather that he's an intelligent young lad, and he was completely skeptical of Vince's story. So, if the Bermuda Triangle is, for the most part, a legend, then why was he so quick to fear? The same goes for the crew.
Details and various nitpicks:
Put a comma after "four amazing floors."
You mentioned Bowser once, but never did so again. It's fine if they leave him in the cabin, but you'll need more than one sentence to make things stick.
Replace the period after "contest is over" with a comma. The same goes for "three hours," "safety precautions," "chips," and "taco."
Atlantic storm.
"No one seemed afraid of the storm." Really? Nobody? Nobody there was scared of heights, thunder, or lightning? It's not inherently wrong, it just seems odd.
He only said Oh, no! once. The first time, he thought it, and he also thought it as "On no."
Boom! There was an explosion! Why don't you try describing at least one immediate effect? I would imagine that it'd rock the plane.
Horror-stricken, not horror stricken.
"We're losing altitude!" Apostrophe.
You might want to mention the grand piano sooner. The sentence just felt a bit arbitrary without the proper buildup.
So yeah, that's my two cents. This seems to be an excellent survival story, and I look forward to getting to know these characters in the future. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hey, James!
This has some promise. Plane crashes, Bermuda Triangle, a cliff hanger. It really started off with a bang, which is good for an action / adventure story. It introduced the important characters and a major event has already happened. It shapes the rest of the setting and mood for the novel. It seems like a great set up for the story.
Since this is only the first chapter, I won't comment that much on the characterization. Though, Max seems to be a very good thinker. To be good at chess means that one must be good at looking ahead. So, if they are going to be stranded somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle (like this chapter leads me to believe), Max is a good person to have on board.
However, there are some things that take away from the quality of the story. For example, the introduction of the protagonist's name. It's too blunt, too in your face. To quote a literary agent, "There are far better ways in Chapter One to establish an instant connection between narrator and reader.” That is said by Michelle Andelman somewhere in the 'Voices' section. Although, don't take this as gospel. There are certain times when introductions such as those may work, but in this instance it doesn't seem to fit that well.
Another thing I will comment on is the spacing of dialogue. Each time a new character speaks, there must be a line break. Otherwise it gets very confusing to read. Also, it helps space out the chapter so it doesn't look like clumps of dialogue, which is very taxing to the eye.
This is a more nitpick-y aspects of the review. This all depends on where your characters are from and I'm assuming U.K. or U.S.A. Anyway, when looking at a map, it doesn't make much sense to fly to Australia through the Bermuda Triangle. It's more costly. The Bermuda Triangle is located a liiittle off of Florida, and depending where you are in the U.S.A. But, it's cheaper to fly going to the left instead of flying all of the over Africa to get to Australia. Also, from the U.K., it makes just a liiittle more sense to fly over some of the land straight over to Australia instead of going around the entire world to get there.
Anyway, this was a pleasant read and I hope to see more soon. Keep on writing!
~Adrian
I'm glad you liked my story. I will work on the corrections you wanted in chapter 2. I am sorry about that sentence. I'll be sure to fix it.