Published June 30, 2015
I woke up dazed and confused on a tabletop that had it’s legs snapped in half. Vincent had woken up from his trance too. There was broken furniture, lots of electricity wires snapped, and dead corpes of people lying scattered all over the ground.
“They must have died on impact.” I said, “Dad are you okay?”
“I think I might have bruised leg.” Dad replied.
Other people were scrambling through what was left of the inteior of the plane yelling, “What do we do? What do we do?”
Tella was the in the most trouble.
“My foot. It’s twisted.” Tella said. I looked down at her it and saw the damage. I picked up a first aid kit that had fallen out of one of the storage compartments when the plane crashed and put bandages on her foot .
“Here” I said, “Its not a cast, but at least you will be able to walk a little bit.”
“Thanks” She said.
“Dead Pilots!” The flight attendant yelled. There were only 150 of us still alive out of the 400. I rummaged through the debris and eventually found the door to our room. I pryed it open with a loose board on the ground, relvived to find that Bowser was okay, though petrified.
“Bowser, you’ll be safe in my pocket.” I told him as I lifted him out of his cage. “Is everyone alright?” I shouted peeking out of the room door.
“Okay?!” Someone shouted. “The crew is dead, most of us are dead, and we are on the tail of a sinking plane! I’m kind of stressed out right now!”
Everyone started yelling things to each other.
“EVERYBODY STOP!” Vincent yelled. “Listen to Max and I! If you don’t stop panicking and do something were all going to drown!
Water started rising through the plane making puddles.
“Okay everyone, we have to find a way out of here before this plane explodes and sinks to the bottom of the pacific!" I said.
“Hey son, I see a map of the Flying City!” Dad said. There was a ragged map on the floor of the plane. We all gathered around to take a look at it.
“The emergency exit is located on the 4th floor of the airplane.” Tella said, “ We're on the first floor right now at cockpit number one. On the fourth floor there is an emergency equipment room. They have inflatable rafts that we can drop from the roof of the plane. They also have cannons, so we can launch flares into the sky for help.”
"How do you know the safety features?” I asked her.
“I’m looking at the map. Duh.” She replied. “Okay gang let’s move! To the kitchen!”
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Canary word: Present
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hello
I haven’t read the part preceding this chapter, so I’m sorry if anything I say can be easily explained then. That being said, I hope this review can still be useful for you.
I’d first like to address the length of this chapter: it’s really short! As the other user suggested, take the time to really delve into description. Of course, nobody likes overkill, but expanding on the characters’ emotions and the scenery at hand is usually not a bad idea. Let’s have an example, shall we?
Currently, the situation seems very nonchalant and everyday, when there should be at least a little more panic. Why not add adjectives and descriptions that really bring it to life? For example:
"My foot, it’s twisted,” Tella hissed. I looked down and saw the damage: her ankle was already beginning to swell.
“I’ll be right back.” She nodded, teeth gritted, and I ran down the isle. First-aid kits, where do they keep the first-aid kits? After jumping over several strewn luggage bags and a knocked-over food trolley, I finally found a kit lying on a seat, likely thrown out of a storage compartment during the crash. Snatching it up, I rushed back to Tella’s side, where I immediately wrapped her foot in bandages.
See how three sentences becomes a whole scene that really emphasizes their surroundings? And please, let’s keep going and address this:
First off, there should be a comma before the ending quotation mark. But for the love of God, can Tella reply with any less emotion?! Wouldn’t she display some sort of emotion in response? Anyways, that’s just my two cents, but basically try to expand on your descriptions. It’ll make readers more invested into the story.
A big grammatical issue with the piece is your improper use of quotation marks rules. Please review them! You are often forgetting commas before ending quotation marks and switching the position of commas & periods for certain clauses. For example:
That should be a comma inside the quotation mark, not a period! As you can tell, I’m really bad at explaining this sort of thing, but a quick Google search will provide you with numerous websites to steer you in the right direction.
You also might want to proofread your work for tiny mistakes. For example:
You need to use the possessive form of “its”, without an apostrophe. And so on.
Overall, I’m sorry if I sound harsh. There are many positives: you have a nicely varied language (it flows well) and the contents of the story itself are quite interesting! After potentially address the length (add more detail!) and fixing grammar issues, I’d say you’re good to go. Keep up the awesome writing!
Maverick
Looking pretty good.
In order to build up a sense of urgency and panic, more details/descriptions are required. Give us Max’s thoughts/feelings/emotions. I can’t feel the danger your characters are facing. To tackle this issue, keep in mind the golden rule: show, don’t tell. Describe the rush, their fear, so the scene feels more realistic. Perhaps, people are crying, hugging their loved ones, etc. Right now, it appears as if everyone’s calm and not really stressed out. Pacing yourself in storytelling can be effective and, in your case, can prolong the suspense.
Is Tella an expert in reading maps? Unless it’s her hobby or a profession, and she has overcome such a situation before, her dialogue doesn’t fit the atmosphere you’re trying to create. It’ll make sense if she stuttered or struggled to work out the map.
Overall, the plot developing here and it’s hooked me because I’m a fan of action stories. I can see your efforts and the potential in your story. Well done, and keep writing!
I haven’t read the previous chapter, so I apologise if I’m missing the point here.
P.S: Let me know when you post the next chapter. I’d love to review it.