Little Bird

Hi Jame! This was a very sweet poem. It was cute and to the point, and It also reminded me of the movie 'Fly Away Home'. I almost cried, and this is possibly one of the best poems I have read since I've ever been on YWS. I have two things, though. Two minor things. Other then that, it was pure perfection.

First, "instore" should be "in store". They are two seperate words.

Secondly, I think you forgot a period after 'song' at the second line of the last stanza.

PM me if you need anything or post anything new, alright? I'd be honored to review another one of your poems.

-Elinor

Jame, hey, there.
I love this poem, actually, a whole lot. So, yeah. Nice work. Probably one of the best works I've reviewed so far today...
Cliche, but pulled off nicely. Once again, I'm surprised in a good way. Tata, and good luck.
Keep posting.
-Mizz

I really enjoyed this! I thought it was really cute and sweet! My favorite line definitely had to be the last one. Everyone always tells the little bird to sing, but I don't think I've ever heard a poem/song where the narrator will hum along. Great job!

Hey!
1st off welcome to YWS.

2nd, I absolutely loved this! It was short and sweet. The little bird concept was very relatable, which is always great in poetry.

I don't really know what else to say, other than I loved it.

I liked how this was simple but still meant a lot. It was good!

Jame
well everyone has basically said what I wanted to say, but just to repeat
its an amazing poem, simple on one level but flowing deeper and
becoming more meaningful.

Only problems...which have been mentioned, are that you could make it
have a rythm if you adapted some of the pauses, and the "in store" thing.
But I still found it beautiful and essentially a happy, uplifting
poem which touched me.
Keep writing!
xoxo
T

I really liked this! I agree with Ms. Bellamy that every line was important, and you didn't drag on about this and that- you let it speak for itself. For some reason it kind of made me sad towards the end, and I want to know more about this person so that I can know why! So great work, and keep it up.

Apart from changing "instore" to "in store", I can't find anything wrong with this. It's adorable! It flows well, the rhyming is good and it ends beautifully. Every line is important, there's no filler, and I also like the repetition. It's really nice to see a simple, light-hearted poem, and you've written it so nicely. Excellent job. I wish I had written it!

Hey there.

I like the sweetness in the message and effect of simplicity conveyed. It was inticing. What I will say though, is a little like Lydia's mentioned, you need some revision on the punctuation. Besides the quote Lydia's mentioned I think the poem is lacking it's potential rhythm. Perhaps play with the commas and full stops a little. Put a semi colon where a sentence hasn't quite ended nor has one quite started. it needs that extra drive.
otherwise it was a good read. perhaps a little extension is in order, but hey, its good ground work.

Keep it up,
Ben

Hello!

I really liked this, it was short and sweet. I can see what others mean about the need to expand a little on the relationship between the narrator and the bird. I think you could expand this poem if you wanted, but I do like it as it is.

A couple of nit-picks,

whatever is instore?

and I will smile back at you

Hiya Jame! Welcome to YWS!

First off, I'd like to say I enjoyed this so much! It's light and bittersweet in a very pleasing way. Your rhyme didn't seem forced, and your rhythm is good. Kudos!

I'd have to agree that there should be just a bit more explanation on the relationship between the bird and the narrator. Right now it's left so open.

Someone already pointed out that "instore" should be "in store." That was, I believe, my only nitpick.

Well I wish I could be more constructive, but I don't really see anything else that should be changed! So, thanks for posting such a good read, and I hope to see more from you!

Take care!
~Freyja

Hey Jame!

Nice poem! At first I thought it would be twisted, a la "Man of La Mancha" but it wasn't! It was oddly sweet. There's just one thing that seems to be missing in this poem... there is no real personal relationship between the narrator and the bird, which is a little odd because we don't even know what this narrator is supposed to represent. So, if you wanted to revise this, definitely clarify their relationship more.

I like this poem to a point, Jame. It's sweet and it's simple, but I feel like if you wanted to, you could expand on this to inject some more emotion into it. Right now it also has some conflicting emotions being displayed, too, which is something you could fix up if you'd like to.

First of all, I'd like to point out that you should separate 'in' and 'store' in the first stanza.

Then we come to the second stanza. The first one was about 'hey, birdy, go away. I can't keep you here, you have to be free', but the second one reties the bird to the narrator. It says 'I'll catch you if you fall' which means that the narrator will still be there if the bird falters in its freedom. This shows a lasting relationship.

I believe, after looking at the poem once more, that you could start the poem with the second stanza, and move the first stanza to replace it. Then you'd have a much more logical string of events and emotion and we'd build up towards a sad release, asking for just a song in return.

Let me know if you have any questions. ^^

-Hannah-

Ooooh, I liked this! And welcome to YWS!

Short, sweet poems are my favorite, and the only thing I can find to correct in this is the loss of a comma in the second to last line:

and I will smile back at you,