Published October 2, 2005
Shark
He's part of a world of smoke,
of black linoleum
of green felt table tops.
He's all at once the
hiss and click of balls
colliding and the smooth
soot of blue chalk.
Perhaps it's the fluorescent lights
that cast a pale glow
about his soft face
and dark, warm eyes.
Or perhaps he is
so fair as smoke and
recycled light make him out to be.
One thing is certain:
He hasn't made a good shot
in three turns and pretends
not to be just the slightest
bit upset.
He leans against the cool
black brick, a cigarette
between the tips of his fingers,
smoke curling up languidly
in his thoughtful brown eyes
and over knit brow.
He, with his open face,
and honest eyes, is in
every way a mystery.
With his black beatnik hat,
long and lean distressed
black jeans and dark French grey
turtleneck sweater.
He steps up to take a shot,
leans over the table, hooking
one toe on the smooth floor
as he slides the cue
between the bones
of his splayed fingers.
One slow practice shot,
and another. This might
be his best tonight.
Eight ball, left corner pocket
and that familiar click.
Eyes follow the ball, in every
way hopeful and a slow
smile breaks across his lips
as the ball drops into the pocket
with a comforting thud.
The cue ball rolls after and joins
the black ball at the bottom
of the pocket and the smile falls
from his face in utter disbelief.
He slumps back on his heels,
looking toward the stucco ceiling
eyes pleading with the pool hall
gods to grant him any break at all.
"I know, I know. ’Rack 'em up, bitch!' right?"
he says resignedly, though the
wicked glint in his eyes doesn't
match his tone as he switches
solids and stripes in the plastic triangle.
He takes another drag on his cigarette,
and exhales slowly as he hooks the
triangle below the table and the thoughtfulness
returns to his eyes as the smoke
drifts and dissipates, tangling
in his dark hair and darker eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Alright, this poem was extremely unexpected based on the title I was anticipating a poem about an ocean shark - interesting descriptions throughout, though I do think some of the middle part could be condensed, you paint a good clear narrative, but it got a bit lengthy in there towards the middle. I even think the 2nd to last stanza could have been the concluding one as it was quite dramatic.
Despite the generally good action descriptions, your visual descriptions were sometimes lacking, you could elevate the language from casual/usual adjectives like "good" to something a bit more interesting, the color descriptors were sometimes also a bit boring. I did however really like how you described the image of the shark himself, like his "dark hair and darker eyes" seemed really ominous.
I believe the poem could also be improved quite a bit from simply making the stanzas and lines a bit more even, this will capitalize on the natural flow of the lines more and make the poem look more polished on the page.
Keep up the writing!
-alliyah
I basically agree with the other two: powerful descriptions. The whole thing was neatly split up, too.
I agree about the descriptions. My favorite stanza is the last. You have a spare [/b] at the end of the page though.
Great description, I liked it a lot. I haven't really got anything bad to say about it. Good job, you seem to have a knack for description.