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Hello again. Ah, I seem to be getting bad at keeping promises don't I? So this is a few hours late but here you go...

I quite like your story. I think you have some lovely imagery and Hera is a very interesting character but there's room for improvement. Some of your dialogue seems a little unrealistic and I think you should shorten the conversation between Hera and the guy. Also, don't use 'damn' and such so often. Words like that have a great impact when used scarcely but if you over include them, they lose any power they might hold.

The scene with the uncle and his niece is drawn out too. There's no need to mention the boyfriend, or at least not so much about him. You appear to have included that for the reader's benefit and it doesn't feel natural in the conversation.

Next, a few small suggestions -

The only time she’d stop frowning [s]is[/s] was [Watch your tenses!] when she’d take quarter-second intervals of aggressive puffs on her cigarette [s]butte[/s] butt.

“You can’t love anything outside of [s]you’re immediately[/s] your immediate family, can you? Do you not at least sympathize with the poor girl?”

She squeaked with glee, promising him that [s]she’ll[/s] she would cherish [s]these[/s] it forever.

The rays looked like thin ladders connecting the earth to the heavens, with glowing rungs that angels could climb [Maybe ascend?] and descend[s] on it[/s].

You’re gonna laugh [s]you’re[/s] your head off.”

I don’t mean to lecture, but I really want you to really concentrate on school. She’d really like it if you can get to college. [I'd really like you to stop using the word really. Hehe. In all seriousness though, way too many repeats.]

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Now to answer your questions -

1. Yes, if by that you mean was the ending expected. It was eluded to well throughout the story but I think it would have been better as more of a surprise. You could change that into the dramatic focus of the story.

2. I don't know.

Overall, I think you need to work on this, tidying up tenses throughout, cutting parts, modifying other and generally making little changes but it's a good start. Let me know if you have questions or anything,

Heather xx

Yes, the title does sound egotistical, but I meant it to be just a big ad to attract readers, for people to say, "Hey ! Let's see how good this guy is!" It's not a product of my ego (I'm Asian, I have nothing to brag about). I didn't mean for it to backfire on me or for it to offend all of you guys.

And by the way, I wrote that story for my dead mom. You see, when I was seven, I came home from school, I found her in her bed, "with her eyes half open and one of her contacts stuck on her cobalt cheek" and her face at "an unnatural blue and cold like a glazed china doll." It turns out that she had a seizure and died from a stroke. It was because of this event that I retreated to books and eventually choosing to be a writer.

I'm sorry for setting up a bad first impression, so please set aside your bias against my topic title and write a true review on my actual story? And in your review, be sure to answer these questions:

1. Did I do a good job foreshadowing the ending throughout the story?

2. Is there a more common alternative to Tryptanol that more people know about, is an antidepressant, and is easily overdosed?

Thx, Jason

Oh yes, I totally agree with what you said Phoebe. In fact, I felt a little nauseous when I read the title, and it vaguely reminded me of a certain young published author out there who recently decided to write a 'Cycle' instead of a Trilogy.

*odd cough* And I agree with everything else you said Phoebe. The language was pretty, sure, but it got heavy and dragged down the story. I mean, overall, underneath everything, it's a cliche story.

Actually, I'm suprised in some of the sections on how the uncle of this girl reacted. For being in love with this woman, he sure turns against her quickly, calling her a bitch and all. Just seemed rather abrupt.

I think, perhaps, your title put me off my stomach when it came to this story. The teeth-gritting use of capitals--the triple exclamation point (oh dear)--it was really too much to bear. That said, the story wasn't that bad. As Dreami mentioned (and forgive me, dear friend, if I elaborate) you could do with taking your ego down.

This story really isn't all that good. For instance, you drown your reader in a veritable mudslide of adjectives and metaphors. Clean and accessible is the best way to get a good reaction.

That and not having an ego the size of Russia. ^~

Nice. Going off of the first reviewer's comments, I think before you'd have a career in writing, your ego would have to come down a few notches, [see title] because you'll face a heck of a lot of rejections.

WOW! Very descriptive. You started off very well- painting a happy picture, then moving to the depressed (ro whatever she is) woman. Great character interaction, too!

Some grammar issues (though they aren't really issues)-

The man sighed and let himself into Ophelia’s dark room. He and Ophelia painted the walls blue two weeks ago while they talking and laughing. But now, the walls looked sickly gray.

The architect who built this apartment complex must’ve truly been mad for placing the window at such an irrational location.

The rays looked like thin ladders connecting the earth to the heavens, with glowing rungs where angels can climb or descend.

They didn’t say anything to each other for the longest time.

After an eternity, the man cleared his throat. I finally got that position I was hoping for. Looks like the big guy finally noticed my hard work.”

The man noticed that the roses he gave Ophelia [B]are[B] all dead, except for one that was practically just a stem...