This is my first posted work. It's on the longer side, but it's sweet. Please tell me that this makes you laugh. (Or not.)
* * *
"A Journey to the Library"
On a chilly November day, a group
Of AP science students were on route
To the library, to research a subject
They chose to work on for their science project.
The gusty air bit at all exposed skin,
Like bees fighting bears who want to win.
Cars rush by like boats on a black river
Between concrete banks, just a sliver
In a world ruled by physics, the science
That these four students study with patience.
Among them was a slacker, who doesn’t take
Notes in Schilling’s class, nor tries to stay awake.
He just rests his head, saving energy
For an after school speech and debate orgy.
He finds it inconvenient to shave,
Or to fight his crazy Cheetos crave,
Which is evident by the cheesy spots
On a bizarre handkerchief that he brought.
He may be a lazy bum, but he dreams
Of getting some job that vomits money in streams.
He rolls his eyes at the cheerful girl, who
Loves life and sun, and has nothing to do
But to enjoy every waking moment,
Such as the blustery chill’s hateful movement.
No one knew that this obsession started
After her mother’s death and after she darted
From shadows of depression to a light
Of smiling at frozen flowers, that she might
Warm the world with optimism renewed,
In a world of violence and global feud.
Then there’s that Asian sophomore genius
Who thinks that he’s so smart and devious
For fooling everyone to believe that.
He’s not a hard worker, just a lying bat.
He gets his econ. homework done
By another Asian fellow at MUN;
He never does his work but watches TV,
Since late night comedies are fun, you see.
But sometimes he really reads textbooks, lest
There might be a surprise calculus test.
The last member was a hipster fool
Who’s so eccentric, thinking he’s cool
With his Darkstar t-shirt, but he’s at the tip
Of suffering under the wind’s sharp whip.
War with conformity defines his life,
As laughter from judgers stab him like a knife.
People snicker at his absurd fashion,
Or at his geeky Star Trek passion.
But he and his crew want to feel cool with the way
They finished their project early at the library that day.
* * *
What literary features and author's craft do you see? Can you guess who's style I'm mimicking? (This guy's more influential to English literature than Shakespeare ever was.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Feels more like a very short story than a poem. Try fiction.
Yeah, I noticed the Iambic beat and it was a good attempt but some of the lines were out by a syllable.
I can explain how the stresses work actually Or try to at least. An Iambic pentameter is a line with five 'feet' in which the first syllable is unstressed (weak) and the second is stressed (strong). It's easier to think of like this -
baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM.
There are other variations too but that's the basic one. To be highly unoriginal, I shall use a line of Shakespeare as an example -
Shall I / com PARE/ thee TO / a SUM / mer’s DAY?
Say it out loud. Go on and see where the natural stresses on the words lay. You should fine that the syllables in capitals are stressed.
I hope that helps,
Heather xx
Sorry for my frustration. Save the newbie. And remember, if you're going to critique this work, please keep in mind that this is (my attempted) in iambic pentameter. I don't fully understand the stressed syllable, unstressed syllable part to it. Can someone please enlighten me?
First, a quick note - Welcome to the site! Try not to be too impatient, okay? Sometimes it can take a few days to get critiques but bumping your own posts isn't encouraged on YWS. A good way to get a few reviews is to critique others work and then they are more obliged to return the favour (hence the reason I am here
) and sometimes getting to know people can help so maybe create an introductory thread in the welcome forum? Then there's always the bonus of adding a rating to your pieces which means it gets shown on the home page for a limited time. Anyway, on to the critique...
My general thoughts are that this is interesting but there's room for improvement. At the moment, it's a little like a list and it doesn't make the reader think of anything in particular. And the effect your poem has on the reader is extremely important. I think if you worked on it a bit, you could maybe relate it to stereotypes more? Also, I'm not so sure about the rhyming. The rhythm is out in places and the rhyming is very irregular so quite a bit of it sounds forced. I can understand if you want to reflect another poet's style but don't do so at the loss of your own. Don't be afraid to be unique!
Here's a few more specific comments, I always seem to work better with poetry when I take it a line at a time -
"A Journey to the Library" [This is okay for a starting title but I think it could be more intriguing. Especially seen as the poem seems to be more about the group of students than the library.]
On a chilly November day, a group
Of AP science students were on route
To the library, to research a subject
They chose to work on for their science project. [Hmmm. This is quite a long introduction to say that the library does not actually feature greatly later and it feels more narrative than poetic. I think you could cut it a little. Make it shorter, more dramatic. Maybe something like -
'The deadline loomed at four O'clock
So the students headed round the block.'
The gusty air bit [s]at all[/s] exposed skin, [I don't think you need those two words and it runs smoother without.]
Like bees fighting bears who want to win. [This line seems very random and quite out of place. Don't twist your words to fit a rhyme or at the least try to avoid doing so. Maybe use 'chin' or 'din' or something? Like you could have -
'The gusty air bit exposed skin -
the library held shelter within.'
Cars rush by like boats on a black river
Between concrete banks, just a sliver
In a world ruled by physics, the science
That these four students study with patience. [I don't like the idea of rhyming science with patience. It really doesn't work so maybe re-think this part?]
Okay so you get the general idea so my suggestion is for you to take another look at the poem and try to tighten the structure. Try to keep rhyme and rhythm reasonably regular. Either that or try it in free verse. Experiment. And maybe cut put a few lines because parts of it seem to just be lists of how one person is and then a list of what the next is like. You need to evoke more emotion in your reader. Do you want to make them feel sad? To make them think? Although from your poll and intro I get the feeling you want to amuse and entertain your reader. In which case, a really fast paced rhythm would be good and maybe add more of a narration to it? Have something happen like perhaps they don't get the project finished because they all assume the others will work really hard but they're actually all very lazy people etc. Have a think about it and feel free to ask questions. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
NO REPLIES!?! You guys are ruining my self-esteem!