“Cool Istanbul”
I see her twinkling lights across the dark wine sea;
Istanbul, you’re so cool.
The salty sea is your hair, long and lustrous.
A black abyss of the night sky
With invisible stars that ensnare me
With a net of endless light.
The Bosporus spills over my shoulders,
Flowing and pushing me with the furious current
Of your laughter, swaying with the witty wind
And singing sonnets for salty stones.
I see young girls dancing under your city lights;
Istanbul, I‘m such a fool.
All of Istanbul twirls in silky robes
Painted pewter platinum and vibrant violet.
The beat of your sighs drive my heart
Among rhythms of tumbling rain.
Your slender marble arms wave in the city air,
White as the luminous moon,
Reaching for the dying sun.
Don’t fly away, don’t leave me here.
I see your Byzantine skyline glimmer like gems;
Istanbul, you‘re so cruel.
You shine like tiger eyes that contain
Specks of amber and emeralds.
They mesmerize me, suffocating me with obsession,
Imprisoning me with doubt and paranoia of your motives.
Mosques are lips that men need to kiss,
But your lips don’t need kisses.
You are evil Istanbul!
I need to be yours but you don’t need me.
Rome’s aqueducts cannot satisfy my passion,
Nor can the flooding Nile drown my obsession.
Istanbul, wash away the love that plagues me with your affection,
And allow me to relax at a calm cascade on a soothing stream.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Overall, I really liked this, but there were a few spots you could improve. The rhythm was off in a couple stanzas, but Ringo pointed those out, so I won't bother repeating him. Another line that bugged me was:
Something is off about glimmer, possibly an agreement issue, but I'm not positive. I think "glimmering" would fit better.
Actually, I rather liked the "You're so cool/fool/cruel" thing. It's rhyming that works.
Except a few small critiques, I loved this. Great job and keep writing!
Okay um, If you want to make Istanbul sound cool i don't think you want to use cool. It's a word you don't use when you're describing a wonderful country like Istanbul. I think you should've put the sound of the adhan the smell and more of the beauty of the Masjids,(lets people know why you want to kiss them.) but i think your Idea was marvelous to write about the city of dreams!
I cannot let any poem be left without a critique!
Now about the poem:
"You're so cool", isn't a very poetic term. I would really consider editing this, make it more imaginative, make it more fun and throw your readers for a loop. "You're so cool", just makes me feel empty. Look at your last line, personifying a country and using the phrase "dark wine sea" is great, do more of that.
This is excellent, the personification and imagery is great, but your lack of punctuation bothers me, just punctuate it and this stanza is great.
Like the last stanza, imagery is great, just punctuate it.
I know why you chose to use "You're so cool" now! But again, you can make it rhyme and still make it poetic and imaginative.
I like the rhythm of the second line, and the imagery is great too.
I like the moon and sun thing.
Same critique on the previous lines like this.
I question the rhythm of the last two lines..
I don't really like the repetition of kiss.
Once again, I think you're falling off rhythm.
Overall: Imagery and description is great, but there are some technical aspects you're lacking in.