You Let Me Fall

Oh....

This is an interesting poem..

I like how you describe that the person can hear themselves break, and their voice, it's very intriguing..

I like the whole thing, but the end is a little sad..

I like it all together, and I can't find anything wrong... Maybe add some commas?

Well,
Happy Review Day June 2013!

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Hi, Layal, I'm Juniparrr,

I'm a little tossed up about this poem. I want to sympathize with you because it sounds like you've been through something awful, hence why you're writing this, but I can't, because there's not enough information here to build an opinion on.

We used to talk about I and You messages in a support group I used to attend, and the proper way you use them; you use "You did this" only when you're speaking of something positive to reinforce a positive self-image of the person you're speaking to, and you use the I message to take responsibility, not to play the victim. This poem makes me feel like you're playing the victim, accusing the other person of all the wrongs and painting the image of you against the world.

From a strictly literal standpoint, this poem has very little poetic merit to it; it's a collection of feelings and emotions, mostly hurt and anger. It doesn't make us want to keep reading, and there is no circumstantial information available here to make us want to keep reading.

2 cents,

Juniper

Hello Layal!

I think your song is cool and beautiful. I enjoyed reading it and I think it has a very beautiful tune as well. Your writing style is awesome, too. I love the way you put a lot of emotions in every stanza of this song. Yes, every stanza has a gem on it. My favorite in particular is the fourth one:

And I want you back
But out love is a broken mirror
You can always put the broken pieces together
But you will always see the cracks

Wow. Just reading those lines makes me wish that I'm the one who wrote them. LOL. Anyway, good job with that!

I would love to read more of your future works. Keep up the awesomeness.

Yo yo, Sl4y4 coming at 'cha with a fresh review. This was really nice I liked the word play and how you set everything out. There was one spelling mistake that you might want to correct, where you wrote "Out" Instead of "Our", but apart from that everything was amazing it hit home and connected and filled my mind with visions and scenes as I rode through the sweet story that was your poem. keep up the good work, and I will be happy to review some more of it. I REALLY enjoyed this, and I wish to read some more of your stuff

Hey Layal, your poem is so nice and toughing

Hey there! Silver here with a review! Ooh, lyrics. I'm excited already. I think I'll pick a few "stanzas" (is that what you call it with songs?) and I'll review almost like I would a poem. We'll see how it goes.

Okay, this one first.

"I tried too hard
I gave my blood
my tears
and my time
To work this out
I have come to realize
That none of this was ever good enough."

I actually think this a pretty good start. It's raw and emotional and would start the song off strongly. It draws the listener in and leaves them thirsty for the rest. Not much else to say. (Is this going to be a rock song? I think it would work quite well for that. )

"And I want you back
But out love is a broken mirror
You can always put the broken pieces together
But you will always see the cracks."

This is probably one of my favorite stanzas. I like the sort of bitterness in it and it's true and creatively put; short and sweet, which is ideal for poems/ songs. It also pairs nicely with the dark mood and vibe you've already established in earlier verses. Well done. The only two things I might suggest is to take out the first line and maybe replace with something else, just because that line seems to be used a lot in songs, and take out one of the "always", because it's used twice. (That last part is totally optional though and is just me being nit-picky. )

"I was falling down a rough, rocky mountain
I hit all the rocks
My body was weak
I knew you would be there at the bottom
Ready to catch my broken soul
Ready to mend my broken parts."

I really like this stanza (verse, maybe?) as well. It has this really intense, dark imagery that just works perfectly with this song. I especially like the line "I knew you would be there at the bottom", because it's just so sad and I literally cringed when I read it, because I knew what was coming next. Also, the line "ready to mend my broken parts", and the usage of the word "parts" because when I read it, I just imagine this person lying, like in pieces at the bottom of this cliff and it just makes a really emotional impact for me. "Parts" is also really open; it could mean "feelings, "heart", anything, and the listener can really substitute in their own personal take. In addition, I like the short phrasing of the third line, as it adds a real punch. The only part I felt was unnecessary was the third line, because it really didn't add anything in my opinion. Also, you already said that you "hit all the rocks", so you really don't need to say that the mountain was rocky; it breaks up the flow a bit, too.

"I kept screaming
I heard my voice pleading for help
All the noises
All the shattered pieces
I heard my bones breaking
I felt my soul being ripped out of me
I kept screaming
I kept falling
I was doubting everything
but I knew one thing
that when I reach the bottom
you'll be there waiting to catch me."

This is a really good piece, as well, but I think it needs some touching up. I think all the parts where you say you "heard" or "felt" are unneeded and just are extra words that the listener can infer. So, for example, instead of "I heard my voice pleading for help", you could just say something like "I was pleading for help" or something. Either way, this feels really intense and almost like the "climax" of the song, if that makes any sense, like where the music would pick up. I like how you repeated the bit about the person waiting to catch you.

"I was so sure
but I crashed into the cruel ground
and you let me fall
You Let Me Fall."

This is really sad, but I'm kinda glad it didn't have a happy ending, because not all things do. I like how you kept this really short, but so raw and powerful. I can almost hear devastation, in just those four words: "I was so sure" and "You let me fall." Ending with that was a good, strong way to go.

Okay, to sum it up, I think you a very talented songwriter and I'm really excited to see what you do with this song. I think you have a lot of potential. Let me know if there are any updates on it. I'm curious on what kind of music would go with it! Anyway, thanks for sharing and reading through my probably incoherent ramblings! Don't make any changes if you don't want to.

Keep writing!

-Best of Luck,
Silver

Crazy here

This is great! It sounds like an awesome song, but unfortunately I wasn't born with the best lyrical gene in my musical family, so I can't give it a proper review. It would be awesome if this was made into an actual song with @My21Heartbeat's piano accompaniment. If you ever do put it all together, give me the link .

Wow! This is gorgeous! I would actually love to hear this on the radio. It sounds smooth as can be and features a ton of emotion. Its truly easy to understand what you are saying in the words. I actually sing in choir and would love to sing this and possibly create a piano accompaniment for it. I was little bit confused of what part was the chorus and if it repeats in your song. Then again, I do love songs that don't technically have a chorus. Either way, this is amazing!