Young Writers Society

Hey Cate!

Hope you’re having a good day today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you ae on. Anyways, I’m here to give you a review, as you may have already guessed by the ‘Liberty500 wrote a review…’ thing.

Well, anyways, this was a very good one. Was she his wife or something??? Why did Alyson come now? Did she go away a long time ago, and now she came back??? Omigod, so many questions buzzing around! You’ll have to answer these in the next few chapters or else my mind will explode! Okay, so, there were a few things that I’d like to point out real quick. XD

Alyson slowly backed away, she began to shake.

Phoenix embraced her his large arms wrapped around her pulling her closer to him.

Alyson said her voice so gentle that if she were to raise it it would shatter like glass.

Great chapter!
Okie, so, I was actually surprised when I saw this, because for some reason, I thought it ended with the first chapter. Not that I'm complaining, this was great.
The first, and most glaring issue for me, is Alyson appears not to remember him, but she still kisses him? Does she have a gut feeling about him? Or am I missing something?
Really, that's the only huge problem I have, there is the occasional grammar error, usually involving comas. But I think someone else already covered that.
Overall, great chapter. I like how your setting this up, and I like the writing style. I can't wait to see the next chapter in this series!

Great chapter!
Okie, so, I was actually surprised when I saw this, because for some reason, I thought it ended with the first chapter. Not that I'm complaining, this was great.
The first, and most glaring issue for me, is Alyson appears not to remember him, but she still kisses him? Does she have a gut feeling about him? Or am I missing something?
Really, that's the only huge problem I have, there is the occasional grammar error, usually involving comas. But I think someone else already covered that.
Overall, great chapter. I like how your setting this up, and I like the writing style. I can't wait to see the next chapter in this series!

Hello,

I reviewed the first chapter... and I'm very excited to review this second one! I haven't really reviewed any other chapters, so these are the first ones and I'll definitely stick to reading through this novel!

This is a really good continuation from the first chapter. I think the lines flow really smoothly together, and now another part of this mysterious Hatred is solved -that being that the two were apparently lovers! Even Alyson's character is a mystery with the Batter saying "You dont remember yourself." I only saw a couple errors.. .

"He yelled pulling at his dark hair"

In this quotation, you can add in a comma so the sentence would be like this: "He yelled, pulling at his dark hair."

"He couldn't cry he wouldn't cry."

Same goes for this line... Add in a comma for the line to be like this: "He couldn't cry, he wouldn't cry." Maybe you can italicize "wouldnt" as well to add in that emphasis when reading the sentence.

These are the only minor errors I saw. One thing I would probably look back to in the first chapter is where you mentions that this Hatter is known by all children, and he's a little mad too. I would love to see these ideas expanded on... and also, a little snippet of Alysons past as well and how the two were destined to meet in the first place.

Overall, really well done. I'm excited to read what will happen in the next chapter... This is getting more and more interesting.

Keep Writing

Why do I keep doing that.

.......

I am so excited, I didn't even know I was going to start this wonderful book. I have always been a huge fan of wonderland!

Please give me your feedback, tell me what you think, Be real and honest!



Love you guys!!



~CATE~