Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
TWO:
Hatter’s Poison
Alyson looked into Phoenix’s eyes. He let go of her hand and tilted his head, “Do you remember now?” Alyson blinked pulling away.
“I know that I know you. But I do not remember us...I am sorry am I supposed to?” Phoenix swelled with anger, “Yes!” he screamed, kicking the stool at his feet. It went flying through the air. He yelled, pulling at his dark hair. Alyson slowly backed away, she began to shake. Phoenix stopped for a moment looking at Alyson. He stepped towards her lifting his hand again. Then he quickly pulled it away stepping back.
“You were supposed to remember, me.” He said his voice a soft whisper. Phoenix fell back sitting on the mushroom chair. He looked down to the floor, overwhelmed that he couldn’t fix Alyson. He tried to get her to remember him, to remember herself. But she couldn’t.
A single tear fell down his cheek, steaming as it went. His skin started to flake showing the inside, dark purple ooze showed through the cracks. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t cry.
A hand was placed onto his shoulder, a gentle soft hand. He let out a fake chuckle. The hand made it to his chin lifting it up. Phoenix met Alyson’s pale blue eyes.
“I am sorry.” she said her voice softer than light.
“This isn’t your fault my love.” He said slowly standing, “It is my fault that you do not remember us. That you don’t remember yourself.”
“I want to remember us, I want to remember you.” She said, tears fell down her cheeks. The words struck his heart, a thousand swords piercing it. He would do anything for Alyson, and he was going to get her memory back.
Phoenix embraced her his large arms wrapped around her pulling her closer to him. He hugged her as if it was the last time her would ever see her. The woman he swore not to love, the woman that helped him when he was injured. Alyson hummed, the same song from the memory he gave her. Phoenix pulled away, she looked up to him and pulling his head down she placed a feather light kiss upon his lips.
"I want to remember you." Alyson said her voice so gentle that if she were to raise it it would shatter like glass. He was close to melting. He kissed her back with everything he felt about her. He loved this woman. This woman was his, and no King of hearts could take her away from him.
Alyson was his.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey Cate!
Hope you’re having a good day today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you ae on. Anyways, I’m here to give you a review, as you may have already guessed by the ‘Liberty500 wrote a review…’ thing.
Well, anyways, this was a very good one. Was she his wife or something??? Why did Alyson come now? Did she go away a long time ago, and now she came back??? Omigod, so many questions buzzing around! You’ll have to answer these in the next few chapters or else my mind will explode! Okay, so, there were a few things that I’d like to point out real quick. XD
It would be better if you separated this sentence into two parts. You know where the comma (,) is? I’d suggest stopping at that and start a new sentence. Or, if you don’t wanna do that you could replace the comma with a semi-colon (;). Alrighty, next one!
Beep beep! Comma alert! Comma alert. Lol. You just need a comma in between the two bold words. Moving on…
More comma alert! In two places. I feel like you may have guessed where. But I’ll still mention it. In between the first two bold words. And, in between the second two bold words. Fact: Comma’s can change an entire sentence. Those teeny little rascals can do a lot. Anyhoo, I’m going to skedaddle and read the next chapter. Wait, before I do… You have to promise me that from now on, you will tag me when you post a new chapter.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
Thank you liberty!
No problem.
Great chapter!
Okie, so, I was actually surprised when I saw this, because for some reason, I thought it ended with the first chapter. Not that I'm complaining, this was great.
The first, and most glaring issue for me, is Alyson appears not to remember him, but she still kisses him? Does she have a gut feeling about him? Or am I missing something?
Really, that's the only huge problem I have, there is the occasional grammar error, usually involving comas. But I think someone else already covered that.
Overall, great chapter. I like how your setting this up, and I like the writing style. I can't wait to see the next chapter in this series!
Awe thanks!
Great chapter!
Okie, so, I was actually surprised when I saw this, because for some reason, I thought it ended with the first chapter. Not that I'm complaining, this was great.
The first, and most glaring issue for me, is Alyson appears not to remember him, but she still kisses him? Does she have a gut feeling about him? Or am I missing something?
Really, that's the only huge problem I have, there is the occasional grammar error, usually involving comas. But I think someone else already covered that.
Overall, great chapter. I like how your setting this up, and I like the writing style. I can't wait to see the next chapter in this series!
Thank you! This helps a lot to boost my confidence to keep writing! Thank yah!
~CATE~
Hello,
I reviewed the first chapter... and I'm very excited to review this second one! I haven't really reviewed any other chapters, so these are the first ones and I'll definitely stick to reading through this novel!
This is a really good continuation from the first chapter. I think the lines flow really smoothly together, and now another part of this mysterious Hatred is solved -that being that the two were apparently lovers! Even Alyson's character is a mystery with the Batter saying "You dont remember yourself." I only saw a couple errors.. .
"He yelled pulling at his dark hair"
In this quotation, you can add in a comma so the sentence would be like this: "He yelled, pulling at his dark hair."
"He couldn't cry he wouldn't cry."
Same goes for this line... Add in a comma for the line to be like this: "He couldn't cry, he wouldn't cry." Maybe you can italicize "wouldnt" as well to add in that emphasis when reading the sentence.
These are the only minor errors I saw. One thing I would probably look back to in the first chapter is where you mentions that this Hatter is known by all children, and he's a little mad too. I would love to see these ideas expanded on... and also, a little snippet of Alysons past as well and how the two were destined to meet in the first place.
Overall, really well done. I'm excited to read what will happen in the next chapter... This is getting more and more interesting.
Keep Writing
Thank you so much! I will go back and fix those errors. I love all your positive feedback. Thank you!
~CATE~
Why do I keep doing that.
.......
I am so excited, I didn't even know I was going to start this wonderful book. I have always been a huge fan of wonderland!
Please give me your feedback, tell me what you think, Be real and honest!
Love you guys!!
~CATE~