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16+ Language Mature Content

Mad Never Crazy - Three

by itsCate


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

THREE:

Always with a Grin

Alyson followed the mysterious man through the woods.

Phoenix grinned, he knew he had gotten what he wanted. It was easier than he had thought. The girl, Alyson, was nothing less than just a Human being. Phoenix didn't even have to use his Magic to persuade her. His presence had enough to poison her. 

He had timed how long it would take for them to reach the Palace. About three days from the rabbit hole, and because the humans were slower than an Alevier. Which were what the people of Wonderland were called. Phoenix kept walking not even seeming to care that Alyson was falling behind.

"Can you slow down? I can't walk as fast as you can." She said trying to step over a log placed across the path. Phoenix stopped and turned around, dragging himself to her. His looked down at her and scoffed. Humans he thought as he lifted her up. Phoenix tilted her head to the side, the poison was seeping into her skin. Not that he had any feeling's or emotion towards this woman. 

Alyson's breath was ragged and she was hot. She started to sweat, her body was shaking. Phoenix laid her down setting her on a mushroom. Her eyes closed, Damn it. Phoenix took a few steps away, he couldn't be near her. He looked down knowing that the King would take his head if she were to die.

"You don't have to do this." She said, Phoenix jolted his head up looking at her. 

"What do you mean?" He asked curious as to what she meant. She had closed her eyes again, "You don't have to trade your heart for something better. Little stars, mice they run, through the door, under the rug." She stopped and didn't speak anymore. Phoenix knew she was speaking riddleish, but how did she know how. Phoenix sat down against a tree and waited. A still low hoo came through the wind. Phoenix didn't bother to open his eyes, "Cheshire why are you here?"

"Oh dear Hatter boy, the girl called my name." Cheshire appeared with a giant grin spread across his face. His purple fur coat was striped with black, his eyes a large dark blue. He floated through the air and landed on the branch beside Phoenix. Cheshire still with the grin on his face said.

"Hello, Phoenix Black."


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271 Reviews


Points: 15979
Reviews: 271

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Sat Apr 20, 2019 9:31 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...



Hello again, Cate!

Hope you’re having a good day today or tonight! Anyways, I’m here to give you a review! Let’s get right in to it, now, shall we? :smt003

Lemme just say: ‘whoa!’ this was totally not what I was expecting. You threw me way back there, girl! Is Hatter cheating on her, now? Lol! Anyhoo, there were somethings that I’d like to point out. Let’s start. XD

She started to sweat, her body was shaking.


You know where the comma (,) is? I’d suggest stopping at that and start a new sentence. Or, if you don’t wanna do that you could replace the comma with a semi-colon (;). Alrighty, next one! ;)

Phoenix took a few steps away, he couldn't be near her. He looked down knowing that the King would take his head if she were to die.


Look, at the first two bold words. I would suggest starting a new sentence or replacing the comma with a semi-colon (;) Moving on…

Cheshire still with the grin on his face said.

"Hello, Phoenix Black."


Over here, it’d be better if you kept these two sentences in one paragraph. Because in most stories, if you write a sentence about someone saying something, the description is given in the same paragraph. (Tell me if that makes sense or not.) Or, if you did that on purpose, I understand, because you wanted to add that mysterious feeling. Like, having it at the end end. Ya know what I mean? :D

And as always…

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

:elephant:




itsCate says...


Thank you!!!!!!!!!!



Liberty says...


No problem. :) Tag me for the next one!! This honestly sounds so interesting! <3



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7 Reviews


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Sat Apr 20, 2019 8:45 am
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varada6467 wrote a review...



This is a pretty deep and dramatic story Here! It's well-written, and I found that this storyline is relatable. Great job on the story. You're a fantastic writer - able to convey emotion and good imagery in your stories.
I like the way you wrote it, and the raw emotion conveyed from it. The lines were simplistic yet understandable. So, well done on that!

But what I don't get is, why is it saying that the story is a 16+ content, as I see it does not contain anything so indifferent.




itsCate says...


Hello. Thank you for the review! I love this, and the reason it's rated that is because it will end up becoming that rating. I am just preparing it up, lol.
Because as you can tell Phoenix and Alyson were/are lovers.

~CATE~



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114 Reviews


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Fri Apr 19, 2019 4:55 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I can see that you may keep switching from memories to reality in each chapter, and I like that! I also just finished reading a fantasy Wonderland type novel, and I really love it too! I think you leave the chapter at just the right moment to continue keeping readers hooked and waiting for more, so keep it up!

I only noticed a few, small errors...

"About three days from the rabbit hole, and because the humans were slower than an Alevier. Which were what the people of Wonderland were called. Phoenix kept walking not even seeming to care that Alyson was falling behind."

This quotation had a couple fragments, so Overall, it was confusing to read through. Maybe you can change this to: "They were about three days from the rabbit hole, and Phoenix kept walking, not even seeming to care that Alyson was falling behind. Humans were always slower than an Alevier, which was what the people of Wonderland were called."

Also, in this line: "Humans he thought as he lifted her up." Here, you can put "Humans" in quotations since it's a thought.

In this line: "Not that he had any feeling's or emotion towards this woman." You can cut the apostrophe in "feelings".

In this line: "Phoenix laid her down setting her on a mushroom." Add in a comma after the word "down".

In this line: "She said, Phoenix jolted his head up looking at her." Replace the comma with a period.

Lastly, in this line: "A still low hoo came through the wind." You can put "hoo" in quotations and place a comma after "still".

That's all the errors I have to point out! This story is still in its early stages, so there's not much I can comment about the storyline so far... but I can already see that it's very interesting. Excited to see you next chapter!

Keep Writing :)




FabihaNeera says...


Also, sorry if the way I word my quotes is confusing... I'll get better at this lol



itsCate says...


Thank you so much I will keep this in mine!



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19 Reviews


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Reviews: 19

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Fri Apr 19, 2019 2:56 pm
itsCate says...



Welcome back to Phoenix's memory.






Please give me your feedback!!


~CATE~





There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare