Favorite - Chapter one

by itsCate

Published April 2, 2019

16+ Language Mature Content

In Keira

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

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Chapter One:

Keira

Tap, tap, tap. My eyes slowly open and I looked at my clock that set on my dresser. It was 2:46 in the morning, who wanted me up? I groaned and sat up. When I pulled myself out of bed, I was careful not to step on Ace, he huffed on the floor. He was awake. I took a big step over him and made my way through the dark room and made it to the door. I opened it and Cameron stood in front of me, he looked scared like I would yell at him. I was still debating that in my head.

“What the heck are you doing up?” I whisper, of course; he uses his charming smile on me. But it doesn’t work very well since I am his sister.

“I couldn’t sleep, and I need someone to talk to.” He said leaning his head against the doorway. I looked at him, then I opened my door more so he could come in. As I went to turn, I flicked the lights on.

“What’s going on Cam?” I say plopping on my bed, “and if this is about video games I will fall asleep on you.” Cameron laughed and sat on my bean bag in the corner of my room. Ace stood and walked to him resting his furry head on top of Cameron's knee.

“I think I might call in sick for school tomorrow.”

“Why? Don’t you have a test?”

He nodded. “But, I made a huge fool out of myself in front of Boyce, and I don’t think she wants to be my partner anymore.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re not going to school because you were stupid?”

“I didn’t say I was stupid.” He whined, “I didn’t know that the science experiment would explode on her.” I laughed so hard I almost rolled off the bed. Then when I merely looked up Devon was in my room. She looked sternly at me and then to Cameron, “What is going on in here?”

I give her a grin, and Devon was not a huge fan of mine rolled her eyes. She didn't like me only because she knew I was good at the stuff, she wasn't at. She and I never got along, ever. We were always competing, but Cameron forcibly settled things down a little bit. “Cam is sad that Boyce might not like him because a shoddy science experiment went wrong. Which is the most boring thing I have ever heard of, at least it wasn’t…” I stopped myself and looked down thinking for a moment. Why did my brain go that way? Devon raised an eyebrow, “I think she still likes you, Cam, just apologize for what you did.”Then she looked to me, “Keira you have no room to speak, you can’t laugh at him. He is trying and you need to stop making fun of him.”

I scoff at her “What do you mean I didn’t even…”

Cameron stood up and sighed, “Goodnight guys.” When he left the room I glared at Devon.

"And he leaves," Devon said.

“Why do you do that? You are not our parents, stop acting like you own everything. Mom and Dad are going to be coming in here and it’s going to be your fault.” I yell at her. My hands started to shake, I think I was scared out parents would come in. Ace lifted his head, his huge body walked over and jumped on my bed. I looked back up at Devon, her dark eyes pierced through me. 

"Stop it!" I said sternly. "Stop butting in on my personal life. Just because yours is shit, doesn't mean that mine has to be."

“Then stop taking out what you and Kaceon went through on Cameron.” The harsh words hit me in the face so hard. I took a deep breath and stood. 

"You have no room to speak. You still can't get over Jai and that's not even a huge problem. You blame me about everything. I am the one at fault, why Devon?

She looked at me. "Because," her voice was low. "You have a chance with Kaceon and you're throwing it away. I didn't get a chance with Jai, he just left. Kaceon is still there for you and you don't even see that." She threw her arms up, I was surprised my parents weren't in here yet. "You either choose to get over him, or you talk to him and see what happened."

Devon had a point. She looked down on the floor; her black hair falling over her shoulders. I swallowed, and of course, opened my mouth. "I have Ace, he is an amazing dog." I looked at the Australian Shepherd lying next to me, his blue eyes looked at me. Why couldn't I be a dog? Devon took a deep breath. "Goodnight Keira, have a good sleep."

She turned and walked out. I ran my hands through my hair, walking to the door I turned off the lights. Slowly I walked back to my bed. I sighed, tomorrow I would be taking the day off.

****

When I woke up, I was still heated about what Devon said. Why did we always have to fight? I wish we could get along. Like when we were younger and would play in the back yard together, but that was history. I sighed and rubbed my sleepy eyes. When I changed and left my room, everyone was out. They had left me home, did I sleep in? Why did this always happen? I groaned and grabbed an apple, on my way out of the house I snatched my backpack and keys. I jingled the keys and made it to my car. When I got in there was a note on my steering wheel.

I am sorry for what I said. It was from Devon; I crumbled it up and threw it in the back. I started my car and drove to school. When I parked and got out of my car I was smothered in hugs by Dallas. He smiled at me and poked my temple, "What's up Ker?"

I looked at him, smiling. "Not a lot, mad at siblings but nothing new. How is your life?"

"Well I don't have siblings, but there is a movie I wanted to see with a friend. Should I ask her?"

"It depends on the movie." Dallas grinned then bit his lip, oh that lip. The piercing and all, blushing at what I said, I look away and down at my feet. 

He started again, "I know what you did last summer. Dad bought the movie, so I thought..."

"Yes I will come that's like my favorite!" I giggled louder than I liked.

"Um, who said it was you?" I laughed and chased him, of course; he was a lot faster than me. Dallas was a track runner. I smiled at him. He looked at his phone and sighed. "I got to go, my class starts earlier than yours. Meet at your car after school." 

He smiled and took off running before I could say anything. When I smiled to myself I noticed how much he made me feel happy. But that soon went away when I heard, "looks like you have moved on."

I turned around and clenched my jaw.

"Kaceon you moved on a long time ago. Do not prevent me from having a good life." But was it a good life? I did still miss him, a lot. Maybe that's why I needed Dallas all the time.

"Keira, I didn't mean to..." he paused and I finished for him. 

"You didn't mean to lie about your life and cheat at the same time?" I scoff, "you disgust me. I have a class to get to, bye Kaceon." His green eyes darkened, he looked sad. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of me forgiving him.

I started to turn and walk when he grabbed my arm. I tried pulling away, but he held me firm still.

Kaceon looked down at me. "Friday come to my house and I will tell everything. No lies I promise." I look into his green eyes that were speckled with brown flakes.

"You promised last time," I whispered. He let go of my arm and stepped back. I knew how much this meant to him, I looked up at him. "Fine Friday, no lies."

He smiled and nodded, "No lies."

So much for me not giving him satisfaction. I watched him go, he was going to his fancy school

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Lib
Review
Lib wrote a review Review · May 23, 2019

Hey Cate!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give this beauty a review! Alright, so I love this! I like how you explain everything so nicely. You did a great job when it came to the fighting with siblings, because to be honest, that's literally what happens with me and my sisters. Lol. But just not about guys. XD :smt023

Alright, so I saw a few things that seemed off. Let's start.

My hands started to shake, I think I was scared out parents would come in.


You probably know what it is, now. Instead of out, I'm pretty sure you meant to write our. :D On wards:

"looks like you have moved on."


Capitalization! The bold word needs to be. Last one:

I watched him go, he was going to his fancy school


Very teeny weeny thing, but I have to point it out. There is not punctuation mark at the end. So, probably a period would do good, eh? Alright, so that's it! Hope this helped. If you found anything rude, just ignore it, okay?

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

User avatar
Pomeroy
Review
Pomeroy wrote a review Review · Apr 3, 2019

Hey hey! Thanks for writing this and posting it, I hope anything I say can be helpful.
First off, I'd like to say I like the characters you have here, I think they have a lot of potential. And you've already got the story starting off with some nice conflict and such. Below are just some of my critiques, mostly with pacing or lack of flow!

The very first sentence is chunky, and it could be condensed to have better flow. Ex: "I didn't remember hearing the knock on my door."

And the entire bit after that seems to contradict the first sentence. She obviously seems to have heard the knock, because she's acknowledging it without something else cuing her in that someone had knocked, ex: the person knocking coming in, waking her and saying, "I've been knocking!" I would suggest either removing the first sentence and just replacing it with the fact she woke up to knocking, or making it less contradicting.

"When I turned I flicked the switch to the lights of the room." Another chunky sentence that could be condensed. Ex: "When I turned, I flicked the light on." Also, it'd be good to mention what kind of dog(?) Ace is! Just to give the reader a little more imagery.

The entire time Cameron is in Keira's room, up until Keira shoved Devon out, there's a lot of dialogue, but not a lot of emotion, no body language, nothing to show us more about the characters or how they're feeling other than that Devon and Keira don't seem to get along. In between dialogue, maybe give us a glimpse into Keira's deeper thoughts, her emotions!

Overall, there are a couple of grammatical errors that could be easily fixed with a quick proofread. And the pacing is a little fast throughout. Dialogue seems really rushed and it doesn't come through very naturally. Other than that, you've got an interesting start of a story here, and I'm excited to see where you go with it!

- Pom

itsCate replied · Apr 3, 2019

Thank you! I will be taking a lot of this into mind. Thank you for your review.
Thanks, Cate

User avatar
4revgreen
Review
4revgreen wrote a review Review · Apr 3, 2019

Hey!

I'll just note what I notice as I read through and conclude at the end :-)

First, You start a lot of sentences with the pronoun "I" which can make the story seem a little dull and repetitive, in my opinion. There are lots of better ways to start a sentence!
This line doesn't make sense:

“I didn’t know that when we were going to have the science experiment explode all over her.”

It should be something like "I didn't know that when we did the science experiment that it would explode all over her!"

I scoff at her “what do you mean I didn’t even…” The what should have a capital W

"When I got in there was a not on my steering wheel." I think you meant note

But that soon went away when I heard, "looks like you have moved on." Since this is a different person speaking, the speech should be on a new line, as a different and separate paragraph.

He smiled and nodded, "no lies." The no needs a capital N

Your speech did not sound that realistic. For example, it would make it much more realistic if you didn't say things like "i will" instead put "I'll" as that's how people tend to talk out loud most of the time. Same with do not --> don't and etc

I would have liked more description about what was happening. It was all very fast paced and sometimes that is good, but not when it leaves the reader a little confused. You introduced several characters very quick without a proper introduction.

However, I do think it was a good short story. It needs a little work but all the right elements are there for it to be great!

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)

itsCate replied · Apr 3, 2019

Thank you. Even though I had to wince a few times, it helped. This is my first ever story and I will try to work harder at making it be a better read. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thanks, Cate :)

For a first story, it was really good!



Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein