some days make me feel like there is a conspiracy against me in the world
everything topples down one by one
just when I think it better ended something disastrous unfolds
“courage”
I take in a deep sigh and whisper to myself, have courage young girl.
there are going to be days even worse in life
there are going to be days you'll have to choose between burning paths
and walk ahead without any loved one by your side
sometimes the fire will engulf your most precious people
and sometimes those people will themselves choose the other path.
some people will enter uninvited into your life and become a part of it
they will question your beliefs, your past, your insecurities
they'll think they can rescue you, take you out of this labyrinth
out beyond to the field Rumi wrote about
and indeed they will
they will hold your hand and guide you out of the blazing fire
but just when you're about to step inside the gate of bliss they'll vanish
vanish like a puff of smoke out of the fire they just extinguished
and there you'll be standing
one step forward from here will make you the girl you always dreamed to be,
the girl your mom will be proud of and the world will cherish
but the sad part is, you won't be able to move from here
your palm is still wet with the imprints of their fingers that were just held between yours
your mind still shelters their image and their promises
these thoughts running in your mind will again paralyze your strength
now your feet are heavier than a sack of milestones
you should have stopped
you'll curse yourself
though you knew all this while that you'll never have the courage to go alone from here
why did you hold their hand in the first place
you should have crossed the fire alone
but you wanted friendship and companionship
you wanted love
well girl, there's always a prize you have to pay for love
it's the most romanticized and longed emotion in the world so what made you think you'll get it so easily
now stand here
stand here and watch others go
learn from them
there's no fire here but you'll still burn with envy and lust
meanwhile, be brave
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey! Kazey here for a review.
So, this poem is pretty evident in the fact that your talking to yourself, right? I really like that. Even that simple touch adds an extra layer of depth to the poem.I also liked your choice of centring the text. It, to me, exemplified the way that our minds are both linear and diverse at the same time.
I feel you had some good imagery here, but it could be improved upon. Use a little more evocative vocabulary. If you need to, use a thesaurus, just make sure your wording isn't forced. Also, engage the senses of your reader. I find similes and metaphor is good for this, because it's both abstract and relatable at the same time, adding such depth to a piece like this.
I also think this poem missed a good opportunity for a refrain of the word courage. When you have it by itself in that one line, it feels to me that it would be a refrain throughout the poem and then... it's not. I think the refrain would've been a nice touch.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this, and please continue!
~Kazey
This is Kaos here for a review.
So the reader already knows the theme of the poem just by reading the title and personally, I like themes that can make you think. That's not to say that doing simple themes like "courage" or "never give up" or "love" are necessarily bad, but it does make it harder to add something new to the theme or give it more layers, which is a problem I think you had with this poem. I don't necessarily think this was /your/ problem that you had, but I thought that you could have added some new thought to the theme.
You use what seems to be the universal "you" or I don't know who you're talking to in the poem and they don't seem to really have any significant meaning if they are someone real. I also thought that this could be you talking to yourself but it wasn't really apparent so I suggest sort of adding some clarity to this part of the poem.
Your imagery here could be improved, but that doesn't really mean that it's bad. Think about it through the five senses, for example, you have the image of fire. What does the fire sound like, does it crackle? What does it smell like, what does the ash smell like? What does the ash falling to the ground feel like when it bristles against your skin? What does the fire feel like? What does the ash /taste/ like, even? All of this makes for good imagery, describing the five senses but you don't necessarily need to use all of them at once and you can mix and match them to your liking.
I felt you needed to go in a bit more depth with some of the stuff here like "courage" or "bravery" or love" and instead of just saying those words you should kind of explain what they are to you through the writing because they only describe themselves on a basic level and don't get much farther than that without the help of imagery or something of that sort.
What I meant by having layers in the theme is adding different perspectives to it and more thought. Maybe you could add something about not being brave enough and having your heart be a bad driver or your heart is hijacked by anxiety and it drives away from where you want to go or maybe give something that being brave is harder than it sounds or isn't as good as it sounds all the time. Just some thought.
I hope I helped and have a great day!