Author's Note: if you'd like to read more of this, please leave a review! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with this story, so feedback/reviews/critique/etc would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Now onto the story!
Alice floated around, her eyes displaying obvious boredom. Her once bright body was dull and lifeless. Well, she was lifeless. She was a ghost. Dragged from her life by the King of Death himself. Well, that was his job. And he brought everyone to the Deathland.
The Deathland was the place everyone went after they died. There were hundreds- no, thousands of dead people in The Deathland. No one special. Everyone's just waiting to see if they make it into the Kingdom of Death. It's supposedly a party there all day every day, at least, that's what the rumor is. No one knows if this rumor is true- or who started it at that.
Alice's eyes drifted over the massive crowd of people. No one interesting- as per usual. But then her eyes caught on this guy, and oh boy. He was tall, muscular, and handsome. Just handsome. Alice's jaw dropped but she quickly shut her mouth, glancing away after catching his eyes. His eyes were soft green, like sunlight bouncing off of fresh grass. She blushed as much as a ghost could before summoning up the courage to go talk to him. But he was gone.
Her heart was beating so hard for him yet he was gone.
He was gone.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This seems like such a good start to an incredible story, I'd love to see their story together and how she finds him again, or maybe something else will happen. The description is amazing, it really brings your character to life(or should I say death) but you're already given us a little insight to her personality with her attitude in the opening. Have a great day xoxo
Hi!
I think the handsome fellow disappeared because he was granted entrance into Heaven?
At any rate, I kind of enjoyed reading what has been laid out. In a way, the beginning was comical, which is such a joy. I mean, I love it when authors tease about the Reaper and its role.
“She was a ghost. Dragged from her life by the King of Death himself. Well, that was his job.” I grinned here. Very nice. Heh!
Hello! I’m gonna leave a brief review! I really love the use of short sentences and foreshadowing, it really leaves the reader wondering who this man is and wondering if Alice will make it to the kingdom. Some other structural methods could be used like a flashback in future texts, showing how she died. A shift of focus on the setting could also be used. Overall this is a great piece and I can’t wait to see more. Have a great day!
This is such an interesting concept, I would definitely be interested in reading more! Another reviewer has already said this, but I've never seen the afterlife represented in this way. I'm very curious about the rumored Kingdom of Death, and whether Alice eventually gets in. I love the figurative language that you use as well. "His eyes were soft green, like sunlight bouncing off of fresh grass" is such a pretty line
I think that a few details about the physical space of The Deathland could help readers visualize what is happening. Is the lighting dim or bright? Is it a large, open space, or is it a bit cramped? Something along those lines.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I saw you joined pretty recently so Welcome to YWS!! Hope you enjoy your time here!
First Impression: This is a pretty solid start you've got here. With that title, I think in this part you do a great job introducing the main parts of this story and making it pretty intriguing. I already find myself a little invested here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OOoh this is an interesting place for a story to start here. A very interesting take on the idea of the Underworld. I don't think I've seen something quite along these lines before. It seems to be just unique enough compared to most representations of the underworld to catch our attention here.
Oh another interesting bit of detail there. I think you're doing a pretty solid job of introducing this place through such moments. It works pretty well in terms of being both mysterious and at the same time letting us know just a little bit more about what's going on here.
Well that is quite the place to cut us off there and I love it. Given the title, I think it completes this section quite nicely by introducing what appears to be the two main elements here. This is also done pretty well I think. Its a bit more of the standard sort of getting a crush moment, but then there's only so many ways you can write a moment like that and them being dead here I think still makes it pretty unique.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a pretty solid piece this one. I think it seems to have set up quite an interesting world there and honestly I find myself wanting to know more especially about how this little bit of romance is going to play out.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate