The End Of The World

I like the idea but there were some nitpicks.
My main trouble was keeping up. I think your structure was faulted for that. You see, your structure kept changing and that caused your rhythm to also change. In effect, the beauty of what you were saying was lost in trying to get a steady flow :/
You may simply review how you expressed your ideas, especially in the first stanza. It was especially long when compared to the other lines.

I don't if it was just me but for each stanza the persona seemed a bit incredulous at the end. I think you might want to watch your use of the exclamation mark there. I've been taught here that punctuation is very important. In giving the same advise I was once given, simply read aloud what you've written. That way, you don't just hear what your mind has concocted but you hear what someone ELSE reading it for the first time, not knowing what your inspiration was or where background knowledge came from, would hear.


Also, the topic can be greatly expounded on I MUST say. You can go over the moon and back- excuse the pun. It's the end of the world we're talking about! The most childish fantasies of what could happen or a somber person's musings of what it means/ brings.

"As long as we have each other,
Our bodies, souls and minds are what we need,"
This. That right there allows so much leverage. You could muse on us needing each other. Why would we? How would we?

That brings me to the nitpick of the last line
"And of course the help of our earth mother!"
I don't know..but something sounds off- besides that screaming exclamation mark. Did you maybe mean "mother earth"?

Again, an awesome work. Keep writing and I hope you see the suggestions here and look into them

Hi there, iremainanonymous. :]

I am GeeLyria, and I am here to review your piece.

I must say, your poem is pretty simple, but it was fairly enjoyable. I love the fact that you created stanzas because when it comes to appearance, your poem is attractive to the readers' eye. And it may sound silly, but that's actually very important, because when an author writes a piece that isn't physically organized and looks like a block of words, the reader might just get lazy and leave, without knowing what they've missed. And we obviously don't want that.

Although, I have some suggestions and nitpicks.

You need to help your punctuation a bit. I did notice that your stanzas are all one huge sentence linked with unnecessary commas. What I mean by that is that you could use more periods. Why? Because it could be confusing, and you don't want someone to read your poem all over again because they're confused! No. If that happens, you want it to be because they enjoyed it too much.

Also, there's this little thing that slapped me right in the face when I read your last stanza.

Our bodies, souls and minds are what we need,
And of course the help of our earth mother!

Okay, so this has potential, but it needs some cleaning up.

You have a good concept of "What would we do with our lives if we knew they were all in vain?" in the first stanza that I quite liked, but the rhythm is off quite a bit. I would phrase it:

"I often dream [[of]] end of the world,
[[and wonder how it would be]],
Chained by the fact that [[we]] would die,
And live [[omit "your life"]] knowing you will never be free! [[also, might not put the exclamation point there; it has enough of an impact without it]]"

I don't like the 2nd stanza much at all; it seems maudlin and just unnecessary.

The problem with the 3rd stanza is primarily a rhythmic one. The idea isn't bad, but it needs a lot of tweaking if it's going to sound great.


This really does have a lot of promise, but remember to keep things articulate and flowing. It's a nice concept, so keep toying with it.

Keep writing, and best wishes! xx

I feel that the last line of the first stanza reads too long, making the rhyme scheme clumsy, but if you change that line the first stanza will be very nice and well-rounded.

Hmm. After reading the poem as a whole it feels more like three separate beginnings stitched together, different themes, vastly different rhythm - and I am all about rhythm when a poem rhymes. I think you probably need to look at them [the stanzas] all individually and see whether you want to alter them to fit better together or separate them to be three different poems.

I think you have the basis for some good work, this is just a collection of diamonds in the rough right now.

short but really beautiful nice work