z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Song of Exile - Prologue: Sun and Stars pt. I

by intrastellars


The longer she stared at the jar of eyes, the more certain she was that they were staring back. Cyra made a face and pushed the jar behind a crystal ball, far out of sight. She continued her task of stacking the store’s shelves and polishing the windows. Cloves of garlic and rosemary hung from the ceiling, leaving a pungent smell in the air.

Esfir’s potion shop was a quaint place, stashed away on a lonely corner of Pebbler Alley. The windows revealed an almost deserted cobblestone street. Occasionally, a lone elderly couple would pass by, tipping their hats to Cyra. Business was never busy these days; many of Eden’s witches had gone off to the countryside to avoid the growing scorn for all things magical. Cyra suspected that the shop’s prime income source were the errands that Esfir would go on, disappearing for sometimes weeks at a time. She would always come back with a gift for Cyra; a pretty doll or a new book of spells.

Cyra had learned not to ask what Esfir did on her errands, though her curiosity bade her to do otherwise. The witch would return looking exhausted and a sort of weariness in her eyes that made her apprentice worry. Cyra would ask if she was alright, and if there was anything at all that she could do. Esfir would smile sadly and ruffle her hair. “You could fetch me a nice cup of tea, my love.” Then Esfir would give her a gift, and Cyra’s worries would dissipate. Her mentor was a capable woman, after all. She always came back in one piece, and that was enough for Cyra.

Not for the first time, Cyra wondered if Esfir could indeed be her mother. They were almost a mirror reflection of each other, Esfir being the older, more elegant one. Cyra’s unruly halo of curls were the same shade of black as Esfir’s, and her sun-kissed brown skin was only a few shades lighter than her mentor’s.

Once, when she had gained enough courage, Cyra had asked Esfir if she was indeed her mother. Her mentor looked up from the potion she was making (a charm for good luck) and had a sad sort of smile on her face. “No,” she had said, ruffling Cyra’s curls. “Not in the way that you think.”

And that was that. Cyra never mentioned her mother again. After all, why should she dwell on someone who didn’t want her?

Still, Cyra was curious. She would often dream up scenarios where her mother would just walk into the shop one day. She’d have the same wide, curious eyes as her daughter, as if she couldn’t take in all the wonders around her. Cyra would be stacking the shelves when her mother would tap her shoulder and smile shyly, asking if they sold any forgiveness. Then Cyra would burst into tears, hugging her mother with a grip she didn’t know she had. Or she would throw rotten mushrooms at her. It really depended on what Cyra would be feeling that day.

“Cyra!” The apprentice startled, almost dropping a handful of felicity potions. “Would you be a dear and go to the apothecary? I quite forgot that my shipment arrived, and you do know how impatient that man is.” She said this last bit with a huff. Cyra couldn’t see her mentor, but she imagined her muttering profanity about the man.

“I’ll be straight away!” Cyra yelled back, setting down the potions and grabbing her apprentice’s cloak. It was a beautiful navy blue, shimmering with gold accents. An image of the sun and stars were emblazoned on the sleeves and back. Cyra felt pride swell in her chest, making her walk straighter and with purpose. She was an apprentice to one of the finest of Eden’s witches, she thought with a burst of joy. If only her mother could see her now. She would’ve regretted ever leaving Cyra.

___

The steady clip-clop of hooves reverberated down the street. Cyra wound her way into alleys and side passages, leaving behind Pebbler Alley for the main road. She took in all the sights and smells of the busy street, smiling at a scraggly dog gnawing on a bone. She could smell the brine of the sea, mingled with spices and horse manure. The palace shone in the distance, its magnificent towers gleaming white in the heat of the sun. She slipped stealthily through the throng of the crowds. People were jostling and shouting their wares, waving food and talismans in the air. Cyra’s mouth watered at the sight of chicken thighs, the skin burnt to a light crisp.

Shaking her head, she forced herself towards a building with gold banners tacked onto the shop’s sign. The sounds of Eden muffled immediately as the door behind her closed shut. A balding, gruff man was jotting down something in a tome at the front counter. Cyra stopped before him, her wild tangle of hair barely visible over the countertop. “Good day, sir.” She piped up, her voice coming out as a squeak. The man gave a huff in response. “I’m here to collect Lady Esfir’s package.”

The man peered at Cyra over his spectacles. Abruptly, he disappeared into the back, and reappeared with a crate almost the same size as her. “Tell her that if she’s late again, I won’t be doing business with her any longer.” With that, the man returned back to scribbling in his tome.

Cyra took the package in her tiny arms, struggling against the weight. She stuck her tongue out at the old man and scurried away, half expecting him to chase after her.

Returning back to the potion shop took much longer than the journey there. People seemed to completely disregard her, bumping against the crate and cursing as they passed. Sweat was soon pooling down her face as she stumbled into an alley, hoping to avoid the bustling street.

She had only gone a few steps when a group of boys appeared at the other end of the alley. “Look what we have here,” one of them shouted, taking a threatening step towards her. Apprehension grew in Cyra as they stood before her with hungry looks in their eyes. They were twice her size, and older besides. They reminded Cyra of a pack of vultures. “An apprentice hag. Let’s see if she can use a magic trick to disappear.” The boy, the biggest one of the group, snatched her by the hair. Cyra smashed the crate against his feet, making him yelp in pain. The boy let go, and Cyra ran as fast as her tiny feet could take her.

Which turned out to be not very far. The boys soon caught up to her and pushed her against the cobblestones. Ribbons of blood appeared on her knees and palms. Cyra did not dare cry in front of these boys; she would not give them the satisfaction of seeing her in pain. The group trapped her in a tight circle, whooping with victory and snarling their hatred. They started kicking at her in a tangle of limbs. Cyra gasped for breath, her vision blurring from the tears. One of them was screaming in her ear. “This is for my ma, you monster! Your kind has been tolerated for too long!” Someone ripped away her cloak and tore it to shreds of blue. A terrifying rage shook her body. She lunged for the hand that had taken her cloak and bit into it. Blood spilled into her mouth. The boy’s scream echoed down the street.

“Hey, what’s going on over there?” A man shouted in the distance. The boys turned and scrambled, gone just as suddenly as they had appeared.

But before they disappeared around the corner, the leader of the boys turned around again. The hate in his eyes pierced through her; she could see the promise of more pain to come. “Don’t think we’re done with you. Guards are coming, and they’re going to split you and that crone of a woman in two!” He spat and ran, leaving Cyra’s broken body in the middle of the cobblestone streets.

Cyra crumpled onto the ground, her chest rising and falling very slowly, as if her lungs didn’t remember how to breathe. The last image she recalled was her mentor’s slender form rushing to her side and a pair of arms wrapping around her. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
378 Reviews


Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

Donate
Sun Jul 31, 2016 12:00 am
Omni wrote a review...



Yo, intrastellar! I didn't quite get to this before Review Day, so I guess I'm now reviewing this for Review Day. Go Team Instinct haha

So in some of my earlier reviews, I said that I didn't know if two prologues were needed. I quite enjoyed most of the first prologue, however, so let's see if this one follows that route. Let's get started.

Cyra made a face and pushed the jar behind a crystal ball, far out of sight.


Is it weird that I imagined her sticking her tongue out at the eyes? Great beginning!

She would always come back with a gift for Cyra; a pretty doll or a new book of spells.


I believe you used the semi-colon wrong here, as the second sentence is a fragment.

Cyra had learned not to ask what Esfir did on her errands, though her curiosity bade her to do otherwise.


The latter part of this sentence contradicts the former. She said that she had learned not to ask what Esfir did on her errands, but then she says she does anyway. Obviously she hasn't learned yet! xD

Maybe a better way of putting this sentence would be something along these lines "Crya had learned not to ask what Esfir did on her errands, but every time the old lady returned worried her, so while she did not ask what Esfir did when she was gone, she did worry over her." This would connect well with the later parts of the paragraph, while also not contradicting the thought so much.

The steady clip-clop of hooves reverberated down the street. Cyra wound her way into alleys and side passages, leaving behind Pebbler Alley for the main road.


She wouldn't be winding her way into alleys and side passages if she was aiming for the main road.

She stuck her tongue out at the old man and scurried away, half expecting him to chase after her.


Ah there's the sticking-tongue-out thing! Haha she has it in her yet to be silly.

The last image she recalled was her mentor’s slender form rushing to her side and a pair of arms wrapping around her.


I think this would have been a better (and more mysterious?) ending if we didn't know who picked her up at the end. It would have been a cool way to end the part, even if it was revealed right after as her mentor.


So, this was actually really good! I think the initial sight of four different prologue parts would make most people apprehensive to this story (myself included) but your storytelling is nice. I just want to get into the actual story now, and see how these characters are important to it. I think this was a very strong piece, and most of my critiques were just small parts that were a little weak, and could be fixed quite easily. I cannot wait to read and review the next part. Until then!




User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 120
Reviews: 21

Donate
Wed Jul 27, 2016 2:08 pm
View Likes
Catalyst wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to escort this great fantasy piece out of the Green Room. Seeing as Fantasy is where almost all of my writing is aimed, I'm going to pick through the setting, characters ect rather than pointing out any grammar errors (Not that I noticed any). Without further ado, let's get started!

So, from the very first paragraph we're introduced to a world of magic and witchery. Jars of eyes and crystal balls are all things that we generally associate with Witches, and you do a great job of setting the scene of a humble witches shop.

From what I gather, there's a general hatred of magic brewing in the populace. Either some event or some cultural taboo that's at last surfaced into hatred has driven the witches into exodus. Business is slow in the witches shop, (Whatever purpose witches serve in this world).

I didn't get much in the way of personality from Esfir, for all that she was talked about. She clearly took in Cyra, an orphan, and returns with gifts from her excursions away. Still, I'm sure we'll see more of her in the future!

The next few paragraphs serve as some really compact world-building. Or rather, character-building. They tell us the general appearance of both Cyra and Esfir, and provide an interesting dynamic between both Cyra, her Mother, and Esfir. Seeing as Cyra seems not to remember her Mother (As evidenced by her not knowing whether Esfir is her Mother), it's strange that she has such a longing to meet her. Even stranger that she thinks she'd break into tears and embrace the woman, who she thinks doesn't want her and... well, perhaps she's always dreamed of having a real mother, and her dreams are going wild. It does seem like Cyra's feelings about her Mother are conflicting a bit, which you might want to cut down on. Having a character in a dilemma like this is fine, even great if handled well, but when you're this early in a story, I find you want to make clear characters with clear motivations. Better to have them lean one way or the other.

Then we find out that Cyra is a true apprentice (I wonder if she can use magic, and, if so, why didn't she at the end of the Chapter? Lot's of questions!). We also find out that she has a cool and incredibly valuable (I'm assuming) cloak! Sure hope it doesn't get ripped to shreds by the end of the---- oh.

Anyway, the following scenes give us the image of a bustling city, with a big shining palace. Not much to speak of here, but the scene grounds us nicely in the setting.

The fight scene that ensues after Cyra takes a misstep down a dark alley (Where's your fantasy city street-sense Cyra?!) is pretty well done. I think it could have been refined a little to make the actions of the boys a little more clear. Either way, they tell us that the resent for witches in the city might be justified-- "This is for my ma, you monster!"

We get some final character building as this ends. Cyra is clearly a strong character, not willing to give these thugs any satisfaction. At any rate, whether she can or can't use magic, she doesn't fight back, and is left a crumpled half-corpse. It is sort of questionable how a man saying "Whats going on over there?" can get a bunch of teenage thugs to scamper off like they've been caught stealing sweets, but maybe this is a more civilised society than the fantasy cultures I'm used to. I also wonder where Esfir came from and how she knew where Cyra was (Magic,magic,magic).

Overall, this was a really strong start to a fantasy series! Good characters, plenty of questions left unsolved, and some of the best compact world-building I've seen on this site.

I hope this was helpful, if only to push this story out of the Green Room. Let me know when the next installment is out, I'd love to read it!




Catalyst says...


Sidenote!

Turns out I totally missed your previous instalments! I know where to turn if I need something to review.





Wow, thanks so much for your review! It's so helpful to see the perspective of someone who is a fan of the fantasy genre. I hope that I can answer some of your questions in the next update, as I do address certain questions like why Cyra didn't use magic to fend off the attackers, and I will try to develop Esfir's character a little more. I did however try to put in extra work in world-building, especially since fantasy relies so heavily on this aspect, and I'm really glad that you liked it! I'm actually trying to update at least once a day, so the next chapter should be out later today. Thanks again for reading and I hope I see you in future chapters :)



Catalyst says...


Absolutely!



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 12
Reviews: 58

Donate
Wed Jul 27, 2016 10:34 am
View Likes
JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



Good day, Cups her to serve a delicious interview!

The opening line captures our attention, because you wonder: "Well why on earth does she have a jar of eyes?" Then you describe the scene very well. We can tell that it's a beautiful, homey sort of place.

Then you sneak in the name of the shop, and the reason that there are hardly any witches around there, which saves us any confusion. Very well done! Not to mention the fact that the beating later on elaborates that struggle. You introduce Esfir to be a loving guardian, which is a refreshing change. Most orphan's guardians are terrible people in these types of stories.

You then have this paragraph about how she misses her mother, and wants to be with her desperately, but you also portray the anger she has towards her mother. You did a really good job with that!

You describe the marketplace well, too. I can see it perfectly! But then, when you have her chased and beaten, you can see that Cyra is strong in a way that she wouldn't let these people know she's in pain. You also let us know by that quote the boy had,

'“This is for my ma, you monster! Your kind has been tolerated for too long!"'

that witches aren't entirely blameless either, so you see that Cyra is kind of caught in the middle of a prejudice that she's not even at fault for.

A fantabulous chapter!
-Cups






Aweh thanks so much for the review Cups! I'm glad that I was able to communicate Cyra's struggle with her birth mother, to be honest I was a bit apprehensive in portraying that relationship. Hopefully I'll see you for future chapters as well. Things are about to get crazy really soon ;)





Oh, I hope to see it. :D




One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia