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Young Writers Society


12+

A Song of Exile - Prologue: Dark Alleys pt. II

by intrastellars


Hey guys, quick note about the format. I decided that I'm going to be uploading my works in small parts, so a full chapter might mean two or three separate uploads. I'm going to upload another prologue soon and this time it's going to be from a new character's POV *wink wink*. So sorry for those who want to jump into the story, but there's a lot that I 'd like to set up first before the main plot. Anyways, thanks for reading! Much love. 

___

Alek ran until the buildings and streets turned into nothing but blurs. His scrawny chest heaved, his breath rattling in his ears. A cramp in his side warned him that he couldn’t keep this pace for long. Still, he couldn’t stop, not with the crone’s warning ringing through his head.

Finally he stopped and slumped against the walls of a tavern. He could hear the sounds of raucous laughter and scuffling boots, smelled the meat from tonight’s dinner emanating from the closed door. He waited a moment to catch his breath. Then another, and another. He didn’t know how long he sat outside of that tavern for, and he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was unbearably tired, the weariness of his departure from the palace finally overcoming him. He wanted to get the image of the bloody witch and his sister’s screams and his mother’s pale, dead face out of his head. He wanted to go home.

But he didn’t have one. Not anymore.

He contemplated curling into a ball and falling asleep in the snow covered street when a gruff voice startled him out of his thoughts. A man towered in the light of the doorway, looking greatly annoyed. “Get lost, urchin. I’ve had enough of you lot begging outside of my tavern.”

Alek scrambled to his feet and was ready to comply with the man’s demands when a hand gripped his shoulder. “This boy is no beggar. He’s with me.”

Alek looked up into the face of a man he didn’t recognize. He was at least a handful of years older than Alek, his jaw rough with stubble. He had his curly black locks pulled into a knot at the base of his neck. His dark skin and hazel eyes were common with natives from the Summer Isles, but he didn’t have the same lilting accent that many from the islands carried.

The gruff man in the doorway grunted in displeasure, clearly not convinced. Yet he stepped aside and let them through all the same. Alek didn’t know how to react as the stranger pulled him to a table in the corner and ordered two ales and a plate of venison.

Alek blinked as a pint was thrust in his face. The stranger pushed the plate overflowing with meat towards Alek. “Go on, then. It’s on me.”

Hunger gnawed in Alek’s stomach. Without a word, he gripped a fork and devoured the meat greedily. When Alek was done, he leaned back and patted his now full stomach lovingly. It was with a jolt and a flush of embarrassment when Alek realized that the stranger was still there, watching him with curious eyes.

“Would you like to know what I do?” The question caught Alek off-guard. He nodded slowly, wondering why this stranger was being so generous towards a boy that looked like a beggar. “My name is Zephyr, and I am captain of a witch hunter’s guild.” 

Alek stared in wide-eyed amazement. He had heard of witch hunters, but never really thought they were real. They were heroes, the stuff of legends.

The witch hunters were a relatively new guild, having been created only two decades ago. His Majesty King Lucien, grandfather of the current king, had spearheaded a program that would give special training to soldiers. This special training consisted of disabling spells, learning how to protect oneself against curses, and of course, lessons on how to kill a witch. Only the strongest, most capable of the king's soldiers became witch hunters. Or so Alek thought.  

Alek bristled, suspicion taking a hold of him. What did a witch hunter want with him? Did he think that Alek was sympathetic to the witches and wanted to interrogate him? The thought unnerved him. "What is it that you want with me?"

“I saw you and that witch.” Alek’s stomach clenched at the mention of the crone, threatening to spill his dinner all over the floor. Zephyr was watching him with a sharpness that made Alek uneasy. It was as if he could stare right into the boy’s soul and see all the dark, anger-filled parts of him. “You have a little magic in you, boy. I can feel it.”

Alek almost snorted. “Are you accusing me of being a witch?”

Zephyr laughed. “No. But something there, inside of you, makes me wonder if you’d be willing to join our cause. As an apprentice.”

“The last time I accepted a stranger’s offer, they ended up with bleeding eyes and a bad temper.”

“I’m counting on you to do that again. Except not on me.” Zephyr leaned forward, his eyes shining. “You don’t plan to hide in the shadows for the rest of your life, do you? You know there’s so much more that the world can offer you other than picking scraps off a table. I can give you that.”

Though doubt crept into the back of his head, begging him to reconsider, Alek already knew what his answer was the moment this man had said witch hunter. He could feel the certainty of it, a feeling he had felt only once before; the moment he walked out of the golden gates of the palace for the last time. “What do I have to do?”

Zephyr smiled and grasped the boy’s hand. “Nothing I wouldn’t do myself.”


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Sat Jul 30, 2016 3:26 am
Omni wrote a review...



Yo intra! I'm gonna continue with these prologues until I'm finished with them all and finally caught up. I'm quite excited, are you?

Anyway, let's get right into this!

Alek ran until the buildings and streets turned into nothing but blurs. His scrawny chest heaved, his breath rattling in his ears. A cramp in his side warned him that he couldn’t keep this pace for long. Still, he couldn’t stop, not with the crone’s warning ringing through his head.


What a wonderful way to start the prologue. I'm a stickler for introductions and this was definitely great.

When Alek was done, he leaned back and patted his now full stomach lovingly.


So personally I've never ever ever done this before. This is a strangely comedic and unnatural thing to do, and I've only ever seen my 5 year old niece do this because she was being a brat. This seems really out of character for Alek from what little I've seen of him so far. Like, yes, I get that his stomach is now full, but this is just making it exaggerated. It doesn't need to do so.

The witch hunters were a relatively new guild, having been created only two decades ago. His Majesty King Lucien, grandfather of the current king, had spearheaded a program that would give special training to soldiers. This special training consisted of disabling spells, learning how to protect oneself against curses, and of course, lessons on how to kill a witch. Only the strongest, most capable of the king's soldiers became witch hunters. Or so Alek thought.


I have a problem with the paragraph in general, because why would Alek know so much about this guild? It was said right before that they're the stuff of legends, so how would Alek know so much about them. It feels like you're just info-dumping here. It's extremely out of character and is information we don't need right now. Just slapping "Or so Alek thought" on the end doesn't make this better haha

“No. But something there, inside of you, makes me wonder if you’d be willing to join our cause. As an apprentice.”


Honestly, I understand where this is going, as a lot of stories (especially medieval or fantasy ones) have a scene like this, but this one feels rushed. I would have liked to see Alek on his own more after what just happened, and not have someone swoop in and save him so early on. It feels like plot convenience at this point.

Plot convenience is this: "It's where an author takes a plot device that has not been established and uses it to solve the characters' problems, often without a price or consequence. By force of the author, the plot bends to give the main characters the most optimal outcome to whatever situation they've landed in." This comes from a wonderful article here that you should really check out. It's a great read.

Basically, it means that the character is given an optimal outcome that doesn't seem realistic to the reader. That's what happened here in my opinion. We, as the reader, have only heard about what's been going on with Alek, how his life has been soooo terrible, but we see here that someone picks him off the street as soon as he becomes homeless and offers him an apprenticeship. Now, you can somewhat explain this off as Zephyr being in the right spot at the right time, but I don't believe that. It's just too much of a good scenario that's there just to push the plot, and it completely contradicts everything that the reader has heard of Alek's life from that point on.


Overall, I think the writing itself is nice. I do have a bit of a problem where this went story-wise, as I think it's a tad bit unrealistic. I know what you're thinking "This is a story about witches, there's nothing realistic about it!" but you see, even in the most avant-garde stories out there, there's some sort of rules or structure. That's why people read it. It's relatable on some level or another. A reader naturally picks up on what counts as realistic and what doesn't very early on in a story. As a writer, you can bend what's realistic, but you must do so right at the beginning. From the beginning here it seems as if this story is fairly similar to my life, so I'm basing my standards of realism on that. That last scene broke my suspension of disbelief. I hope you'll be able to bring me back!




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Tue Jul 26, 2016 6:23 pm
JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!

I actually really love this (section of a) chapter so far! It's super well-written, and you can really tell that you've had a lot of writing experience. I'm super happy that I was able to review this!

"Alek ran until the buildings and streets turned into nothing but blurs. His scrawny chest heaved, his breath rattling in his ears. A cramp in his side warned him that he couldn’t keep this pace for long. Still, he couldn’t stop, not with the crone’s warning ringing through his head."

I really liked this part because you got me excited. I wanted to read more! I had to know why he was running, and why he was going so quickly even though his body wanted him to stop. You could tell that he was running from someone.

"Finally he stopped and slumped against the walls of a tavern. He could hear the sounds of raucous laughter and scuffling boots, smelled the meat from tonight’s dinner emanating from the closed door. He waited a moment to catch his breath. Then another, and another..."

I could practically see this entire paragraph! It was absolutely interesting to read, and by that time you hooked me into the story, so I had no choice but to read on. Basically, I was exhilarated by every single paragraph. I could spot no punctuation or spelling mistakes. I especially liked how you ACTUALLY used the semicolon correctly. XD

Basically, I would love it if you could update me whenever you come out with the next part.

Just keep swimming,
-Cups






Hey Cups, thanks for the review! I'm grateful that you'd like to be updated on A Song of Exile! I'm trying to upload a part at least once a day, but knowing me I'll probably get lazy *fingers crossed*. Anyways, thanks for reading, and if you haven't already seen it I've actually uploaded A Song of Exile - Prologue: Dark Alleys pt. I a couple days earlier. Much love!





WHAT?! *Madly clicks prologue*




they got that magical iridescence that you don't expect to be on a sky rat y'know
— Ari11