Eden, Royal Capital of Pella
“I have seen your heart, boy, and I weep for what it has lost.”
The child stopped and looked at the crone with his wide doe eyes. His lashes were tinged with snowflakes, making his skin look even fairer. His pale blue eyes and almost sickly pallor screamed fragile, as if the slightest breeze would whisk him away into the skies. Wisps of breath whirled out of his mouth as he spoke. “Come again?”
The old woman was stooped over a small fire closed in by the brick walls of an alley. He would have barely noticed her had she not called out to him. A hood covered her eyes and most of her face. Eerily, she pointed a finger towards the boy and gestured for him to come closer. “Come, boy, and let me give you your fortune.”
Alek had learned many valuable things in his ten years of life. He learned that adults had a penchant for lying, that death was inevitable, and to not play with stray animals for fear of disease. He rather delighted in the fact that he was a smart, sensible boy. Althea, his mother, had always told him as much, before she had taught him that lesson about death. And a smart, sensible boy would not go near a strange lady in a dark alleyway.
But Althea was gone, and that fire looked mighty welcoming. Besides, he had nowhere else to go, nobody to go running to for safety. Death is coming, he thought, stepping closer to the old woman, it doesn’t matter if I go to meet Althea now or later, really.
The hag smiled, revealing a set of decaying yellow teeth. Alek didn’t flinch. He stuck his frozen hands towards the fire and didn’t dare let his eyes wander away from the woman. That’s all it took, after all: a second of weakness, and the grim reaper comes early.
“You’ve suffered much, haven’t you? Too much for a child so young.” Her eyes were glazed and unfocused. The hairs on the back of Alek’ neck rose when he saw the murky white of her blind pupils.
“You said that you’ve seen my heart. What exactly did you see?” Alek knew that he was strange. He didn’t ask the questions other boys his age would ask, like what happened to your eyes? Or how did you know that my mother died? He always knew he was different, and he always knew that other children didn’t fare so well when it came to differences. Besides, there weren’t many opportunities to make friends when your mother was dying.
“I’m not here to talk about your past, boy. I’m here to talk about your future.” The hag rolled her head in circles with a sharp crack. She lifted her skeletal hands towards his face, beckoning for him to come closer. The boy hesitated. The sensible side of him told him that this was a very, very bad idea. The other part of him didn’t really care if the old woman snapped his neck and left him to die in this alley. A smaller, darker part of him wanted her to.
Alek’s curiosity gave in as he leaned into her touch. It was silent for a moment. The snowflakes melted instantly when they landed on his skin. “Well, what do you see?” In response, the witch clutched his face harder between her twig-like fingers.
The last thing that Alek remembered about his mother was the scent of decaying roses and her blue eyes flickering out like a snuffed candle. Her once lovely face turned cold and twisted. He remembered his little sister wailing, as if she too could feel death’s cold grip. Althea was supposed to be indestructible; a goddess among mortals. Alek believed that if anyone could outrun death, it was her. That was why Althea’s sudden passing felt like the end of the world to Alek.
It was her face that Alek saw as he stood in the frozen streets of Eden, having his fortune told by a beggar witch. And it was Althea’s last moments that the witch saw, and something much worse.
The old woman’s eyes snapped open. She screamed bloody murder.
The bone-shattering sound tore through the alley. Alek ripped himself out of the crone’s grasp, terror settling in his bones like a fever. Blood was dripping from her nails and eyes, making the snow beneath her feet crimson. He turned to see if anyone heard and was about to run off when the hag grabbed his wrist. Her grip was steel. “You,” she hissed, making Alek yelp in pain. “One of my kin will be the cause of your downfall, and the blood spilled today will be nothing compared to the destruction she will wreak upon your soul.”
She let go of his hand. Alek did the one thing he knew how to do: he ran.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Yo, intrastellars! So, you have a total of four different prologue parts, which I have to say it quite a lot. I'll try my hardest to get through them. This one was posted first, so I assumed that this one went first. I want to start off with warning you about too much prologuing. Basically, prologues are something that are cool when done well, but can hinder the story when done either not well or too much. If you have two different prologues, each with two different parts, maybe you should've just started the story and included these prologues in the story itself?
I haven't read any of the other prologues yet, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Right now, I'm reviewing each of these as bodies of their own, and I'll give my thoughts about the prologues as a whole when I finish each prologue. At the end, I'll tell you my opinion on whether or not the story needed two different prologues. Anyway, let's get started!
Just a thought, but why is this Royal capital? What makes it royal? Is there a non-royal capital elsewhere?
So, this comes with a critique on my other review of your first chapter, but your imagery gets muddled with "making" and "look". On making's case, it's just a weak verb. One off the top of my head that could replace that is "painting". Also, a sidenote, you went from past tense to present tense there. Anyway, here's an example of the modified sentence.
"His lashes were tinged with snowflakes, painting his skin even fairer."
^See? With changing the former and omitting the latter, this sentence becomes much stronger. I see some of this type of descriptions all throughout your work, so I recommend you just comb through and see what you can change. It makes your imagery and description much stronger.
It was going well until this sentence slowed your storytelling down. We the readers already know that he had a lesson about death. We don't need a reminder so soon of it again. Save this for sometime later in the story (maybe even make it a flashback?) or just remove it.
So, your story was going really well, and it was captivating me until this point. This is an example of telling, not showing. The reader knows that Alek is special and that he's not asking the same questions as a normal child. You have already made it clear that Alek is not a normal person, there's no reason for you to tell the reader this. It muddles the whole thing and it makes me feel stupid that you're repeating information so much.
Also, the hag did not say anything about Alek's mother being dead. Plothole!
This was a really good sentence. I like it!
Again, this is information that we already gleaned from the earlier information. Telling it here makes it less dramatic.
So, I actually really enjoyed the ending! This part of the prologue in general is really good as well. There are some problems that I noted above, but this is overall a very strong work. It's something that's been done before, but mostly everything has been done before. Your writing is strong in most cases here, and I actually enjoyed this more than Chapter 1. I love it! I cannot wait to visit the rest of the prologues, especially if they're as good as this one.
Good Evening, intrastellars. AnarchyWolf here to review this prologue.
His pale blue eyes and almost sickly pallor screamed fragile
A small, darker part of him wanted her to.
This is a nice, short prologue that has a brilliant hook and the beginnings of conflict. The hook is the first thing a reader notices, obviously, and this one is a good one. It's conveys an archaic tone, in the fact that you haven't let the dialogue contract into a more modern I've seen your heart points out that this is a somewhat 'unusual' character, perhaps older, and gives off a magical feel.
The description in this story is just great. It's really good. Just things like
Spoiler
are casually slipped in and just blend into the narrative very well. The description, of course, also serves to convey the the setting, emotions, and actions of the scene with vivid imagery.
Your main character's view on the world is striking. His grim acceptance and maturity leads me to believe he's seen and been through some things no-one should have to. We later find out his mother died, and someone dear to him named Althea died, as well, which can't have been nice for him. It's impressive that you can get this across without too much telling.
Something that I don't believe to be intentional is, at the end of the second paragraph when Alek kind of whispers “Come again?” - it's kind of funny. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if others will find this, but I find all of this build up and then a simple come again kind of comedic. I worked out that it wasn't meant to be later on in the chapter, but there was such a tension in the first and second paragraphs that was kind of shattered by the come again? It reminded me of those jokes where you zoom in on a character's face during a serious moment, and they say something absolutely hilarious. But then again, later on in the scene it's obvious that this isn't a piece of comedy that you're reading, and it takes back its serious tone.
Another minor thing is when you write:
Spoiler
Smaller would be much more striking because you've mentioned the other part part of him already. In addition, smaller being used in conjunction with darker would emphasize the whole thing.
There is a little bit of confusion toward the end of the chapter. It could just be me being incredibly dense, but I feel as if Alek's mother dying, and then bringing in Althea dying too is a little confusing. It's like that because we have so little information about Althea, so my mind started to tie Althea and the mother together. Unless they're the same woman. But I don't think they are. Also, the cause of the old woman starting to bleed could be explained more clearly.
Overall this is a really strong piece - There were just minor things that I found wrong with it - and I can't wait for the first chapter.
-AnarchyWolf
Hi AnarchyWolf, thanks so much for your feedback! It was really helpful and I'm definitely going to keep your considerations in mind when I write future chapters! (Also so sorry for the confusion, but Alek's mother is actually Althea, so yeah they're the same person. I'll clear that up when I edit).
Wow, this is incredible. I've always loved this setting. Poor, dingy. It's always drawn my attention. And the way you describe it puts me into that time. I could feel the snow and the witch's hold on my wrist and the pain of loss. I could feel it all...It's incredible and i want to read more!!
Aweh thanks so much! This means a lot to me %uD83D%uDE0A