Twisted on a boat so grand,
Waterlilies by high command,
Their delicate petals coloured white,
Untouched by spoils and of blight.
Swaying gently on the keep,
Singing sweetly, you to sleep,
Blessed by thine heavens high,
By the carried winds they sigh.
Upturned petals, and rosy face,
Lovely is the sun's embrace,
Who wears the stars upon his brow,
Who warms the lilies on the bow.
Clasped upon a maidens breast,
Laid upon the fallen to rest,
Lovely blooms in spring they flower,
Grow in pale upon the bower.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really like your use of the AABB rhyme scheme, it gives a really interesting dichotomy between the first and second part of each verse. I like your use of the classic 'white represents purity' in a different context in lines three and four-- I'm used to it being used to represent a person more often (eg, wedding dress) but hearing it being used to describe the flowers on the bow of the ship (Therefore giving readers some insight to the ship itself) is really interesting, especially given it's contrast to the often typical assumptions about ships, many of which involve pirates, rough seas, etc, especially since this boat in particular is a large one, given the first line: "Boat so grand," . It sets the scene in a way which I really enjoy; you were able to create a very definite setting with only a few words.
I also like the reference of singing to sleep in the second verse, given that this is about a funeral ship (I think?) This along with many other choices in this poem (Eg, the use of words like "embrace", "rosy,", and the general focus on the flowers in general) give a very clear and peaceful representation of passing, which evokes powerful imagery as well.
If you were to edit this poem, I would consider reading it aloud to a metronome; that has always helped me tweak my works to have a really consistent rhythm, which I feel you may be going for.
Overall, I really enjoyed this, as well as the imagery you provoked. It would be very interesting to see the context of it, given that you said that that you wrote this for a novel.
Hey! Thank you so much for the review! I appreciate the feedback!
So descriptive and beautiful! It paints a setting, a scene into my mind. I love the rhyming and syllable pattern as well!!! The second last paragraph sets the scene so clearly. It reminds me of waterlilies on a body of water, swaying gently in the breeze. So original and creative
I love it so much. It might be one of my favorite poems I've read so far! Overall, I think it has lots of potiental, and I look forward to more of your works. Happy Writing!
Hello! Thank you so so much for the review! I really appreciate your feedback!
<3