I'll see you soon

It's really nice, I love the rhyming. It's not depressing, it's just sad.
I like it!

Hi there.

Hmm. Interesting. You have a nice meter, and the rhyme scheme didn't kill it. Not bad, there.

In the first stanza, you write in first person, but in the rest of the poem, you write in second person. I would make sure that your point of view is consistent throughout the whole piece. If the person you're writing this to is thinking this, make sure you make that clear. Either put the first two lines in quotation marks, or italicize them. It will make it clearer to the reader that the other person is thinking this.

I enjoy the bottle stanza. Now, the last "vain" is the proper one, but I looked at it for a while and realized that it could also be the other "vein." Since you're talking about consuming alcohol, and alcohol goes to your bloodstream, it is a very appropriate choice of words there. It's a play on words that works wonderfully (even if you didn't mean it to be a play on words).

I think it's a very interesting image of a lonely man that only wants to die. It is very reminiscent of the musical that inspired this (which is my favorite musical, by the way). I would, however, at least put the note about the inspiration at the bottom so my mind isn't polluted by the images of Les Miserables and tainting the images of your poem.

It was a pleasure to review this. Happy writing.

This was amazing, and very detailed , i exspecially liked the part where you said
Lift your head
tip the bottle
to see if it erases pain,
but all you see
are empty bottles
all in vain.
This made me picture how you were feeling and the pain that came with it. Very relateble and gave me great images. I want to read more
#SIMPLY AMAZING

Hi imyourdensity,

Sometimes sad poems can be the best! To me, it's not necessarily the emotion in a poem that makes it beautiful but how well the emotion is expressed. And emotions were expressed very well in this poem, as well as written I an original way.

Thank you for being so good with your grammar and spelling; sometimes it really gets me when a good poem is spoiled with simple mistakes. I do have a few comments on flow, etc...

"I'm okay.
I feel fine.
You chant inside of your mind,
but the thoughts
that will dwell
are anything but."

I think this first stanza could be rewritten to make more sense. The first two times I read it through I didn't understand it. One reason is because of the way the 'I'm okay, I feel fine' is the first thing you read, which is really confusing because the rest of the poem is in 2nd person, not 1st person and it's sad in tone. You could fix this by just adding quotes around these first two lines, or else by putting them elsewhere in the stanza, like after the third line instead.

Maybe it's just me, but I think it would help if the rhythm throughout would be a little more consistent, because in other ways each stanza is phrased the same way, but since the rhythm changes the flow get choppy in some parts. You can fix this by reading it out loud and seeing which parts are choppy.

Otherwise, awesome poem! hope to see more.
Blue

Hello Imyourdensity!

First off this is a very good poem! It was nicely written and flowed rather easily. It depicts the emotions and possibilities of such situations rather nicely! I believe that the slightly longer lines such as "the sweet sound you've missed the most." Seems to halt the flow a little bit in my mind. However, the yes seems to be rather thought out. I can't critic punctuation since I don't really do well with such things in poems. I say nice job and I will look forward to looking at some of your other poems! Good luck with writing a happier one and know I found this nicely written even if its a sad topic.

Sincerely,
Soulkana ^^