Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter one
And then I died.
Or so I think. I mean, I’m a Ghost now, so it’s kind of obvious. Look, I can’t recall the exact moment of my soul’s departure, but from what I’ve been told and assumed, I had left the land of the living. And then, I woke up around three days later, because that’s you know, normal, thinking that I had just fallen asleep.
Being a Ghost might seem fun or rather appealing. Yeah, sure, it is fun, I can agree! You can do lots of things and guess what? You don’t have to use the toilet because, surprise, you’re dead! And the little floating thing humans think Ghosts can do? Sure, it’s a hundred percent real and it’s probably the most fun thing to do as a spirit!
Being a cursed Ghost isn’t as amazing. I mean sure, you can still float but…it’s not the same, mainly because you can’t interact with alive and breathing human beings. They just can’t see you and you, poor Ghost(!), can’t use your … special Ghost ability on them. A phantom that isn’t cursed can do that with no problem.
Me and the others though, we are the cursed ones.
They had no clue where this curse came from or who cursed us and from what I’ve been told at that time, the others didn’t do anything bad, so it just remained a big mystery no one really cared about when we actually did find the answer.
And I truly believe I made a good impression with this introduction. Hope you don’t fall asleep or something, because, well, buckle up, it’s going to be one hell of a long story.
To begin with the so called storytime, the first person I saw when I woke up was a girl with a creepy grin and bright neon green eyes. She was staring directly into my soul and I started to feel nervous and a tad bit uneasy. I had a feeling I wouldn’t really get along with her, mainly because she gave stalker-ish vibes.
Next to her was another girl, clearly older, who was also staring, but she wasn’t smiling like the other one, no, no, she was very serious. That made me feel even worse.
“Hello there, good morning, nice to meet you, I’m Midari and you?” the first girl blurted out. I almost didn’t understand what she said, since she was talking really fast.
“Uhm hi?” I said not knowing how to react “I’m…” I thought for a moment and then it hit me. Looking back I feel stupid for not knowing my own name.
“I’m Luna, nice to meet you too I guess? Where am I?” I then added.
“WELCOME to the family” Midari cheered “this here is Mily” she added and pointed at the other girl, while standing up, looking confident.
Mily, although angry, was very pretty, very elegant. She wore a long, black dress, probably gothic, with a beautiful corset. Her hair wasn’t short, but it wasn’t long either, so shoulder length (I have no idea why I didn’t just say so from the start).I honestly couldn’t quite distinguish if it was black or just a really dark brown. One of her eyes was covered with her hair, making her look like an emo teenager. She did have a braided side tail with a little blue bow in it, which really matched her eye color!
“Don’t be scared of her, she’s just trying to look edgy and stuff” Midari dismissed her with a hand wave. I wanted to say that I was more afraid of Midari than Mily but I decided to shut up. I didn’t want to anger the kid.
“Alright, hi” I tried to seem polite “now, my question! Where am I?”
“Promise you won’t freak out? Midari said with a serious tone. Not going to lie I couldn’t take her seriously at that time. Midari looked like a 10 year old and she had this weird neon green ombre hair (like the eyes) that almost every child wanted at some point in their life. Compared to me she was really short and from what I could guess, she was also shorter than Mily.
“Soooo…if I were to tell you that you died and that you’re a Ghost now and that you can do crazy magic stuff, that unless you like science more, because if you do you’re more than welcome to join ME, we can blow stuff up together you know? But we’re moving away from the subject unless you DO like that. Oh, oh, oh and if I told you that you have cool powers and you get this free weapon, oh look there is yours, right there on the floor! Nice katana, look I have a gun and if you want I can teach you how to shoot someone, or if you don’t want to I can teach you how to make bombs and-“
“The point is” Mily said and covered Midari’s mouth with her hand, so that she would shut up “that you died. I don’t know how, but you did. And it would seem like you became a ghost. Any questions?”
If I can be honest I did have a lot of questions. But instead of asking them I just said:
“Nope, I’m good, I understand.”
“Great!” Mily said “Thank the librarians you don’t have any questions. You seem to be a fast learner, I’m sure you’ll soon adapt to this new…ghostly form”.
“Yeah greaaaat. I’m sure it’s going to be juuuuuust fine” I lied of course. I was having a panic attack on the inside.
“I sure do hope so” Mily added and then quietly left the room, without saying anything else. Oh no, I thought. She just left me here with this little green thing!
“Now that Mily’s gone… I can finally talk to you properly!” Midari smiled and got awfully close to me “How did you die?” she wanted to know.
Well that was straightforward…
“I don’t know. I thought I was asleep” I then confessed. It was true though. At that time I didn’t have any memories of how I died. I just hoped it wasn’t painful or dramatic. But then I realized that, in media, Ghosts were always portrayed as someone who had died tragically and had traumatic backstories, so mine was probably the same.
“Hmmm, interesting! Do you want to know how I died? Of course you do! I got shot, right in the heart. It was sooooo tragic!” Midari then pretended to shed a tear. I should have probably guessed that she had a tragic death, since she herself seemed like an eccentric and a somewhat crazy genius.
But how she died wasn’t the question I had about her, so…
“Uhm I actually have another question!”
“Feel free to ask, I’ll answer anything! Is it about you ghost abilities? Or about your weapon? Or about lunch?”
“I’m sorry for asking, and I don’t mean to be rude, but, how old are you?” The question seemed to amuse her. What was so funny about that?
“Lol, sorry, everyone asks me that. Based on my calculations I should be 18 years old!” Midari claimed. If I had a drink in my mouth, I would have spit it. Eighteen years old?! This little girl?! This 5’1 kid?!
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked in hope I misheard.
“I said that I’M 18 YEARS OLD.”
“Are you sure? You’re kinda…small” I said.
“Sure I’m sure. Listen, it’s really complicated and I don’t really want to talk about it, ok?”
A moment ago she had been soooo eager to talk about her “tragic” past and now she had a sudden change of heart?
“Ok…”
“Alright enough with the small talk, let me give you a tour of the school.” Midari decided.
“A tour of the what now?” I repeated.
“The school. The place we haunt. Or more exactly, the place we are trapped in.” Midari lowered her voice in a creepy way “So technically, home! Come on, let’s go. I shall introduce you to the FAMILY.”
I slowly stood up and before I knew it, I fell down. It was almost like I’ve forgotten how to walk. Midari gasped but before she could reach me, someone else lifted me back up on the bed. Turns out, falling down after waking up as a spirit is common and it happens for a reason.
“Hey there, sorry I didn’t catch you. I didn’t expect you to fall, sorryyyyyyyy “ a tall man said.
I hate to admit that he looked really good. Especially with that suit he wore.
“Excuse you?” Midari said “OH,OH,OH I know who you are now!”
“Really?” the man looked amused. He arranged his tie and then his suit.
“Not technically, but I know what you are. Luna this is your companion…” Midari looked at him, waiting for him to introduce himself.
“Edgar, my name is Edgar. Nice to meet you, Luna. We technically already met in the void where every Ghost meets their companion before waking up, but that doesn’t matter” the Edgar guy said and reach out his hand. I shook his hand and for some reason he felt oddly familiar.
“Allow me to explain what this kid said” Edgar pointed at Midari who was clearly unhappy with being called a kid “I’m your companion, a friend of some sort, a helper, or how others see companions as: servants. Oh and I also give you more power, thus “upgrading” your power level aaand I can help you with lots of things! Oh and I’m not good at cooking so if you need food cook it yourself.” He then grinned.
“You don’t really need to eat, but just so you know, you can. We’re not in some sort of fantasy novel. The food simply disappears. It’s basically just a thing that gives your soul energy. It’s not the strongest energy fuel though.” Midari added “Well I’m sure that you do have questions and I will answer them because that’s my job.”
God, this girl is changing her personality every 5 minutes, gotta be careful!
“Then what’s the strongest energy fuel?”
“Oh silly” Midari laughed “It’s souls obviously!”
“What…?” was all I managed to say before she interrupted me.
“Anyway, let’s go on a walk shall we?” Midari said and peacefully opened the door.
“Come on, it’s going to be fun” Edgar said and followed her.
I managed to stand up this time. Outside the room where I was in I saw a corridor with lots of doors. On each door I noticed a name and I figured it must be the name of the room owner. Midari was in the front explaining something. I didn’t pay much attention, as I was too busy reading the names on each door.
Mily, Saki, Midari, Erika…
Then realization hit me. I was dead. I was a Ghost. And ghosts were supposed to be just stories. I looked at my hands. Maybe I was just dreaming this whole thing? That would have been a good explanation for not remembering the last few days. This can’t be real, I thought. I’m not dead and not a ghost, I just need to wake up, everything is going to be just fine, I’m not dead…
“HELLO” Midari shouted “ARE YOU THERE OR AM I JUST TALKING TO THE WALLS? Or to Edgar, at least he’s listening…”
Edgar batted his eyes innocently.
“Nope, I’m here!” I was obviously lying. Who knows what this kid could do. Even though she was small, Midari looked dangerous. Plus she said something about Ghost weapons and abilities. I wondered what her ability was.
“Then repeat what I just said” she crossed her arms.
“Uh…hehe…you see…”
“If you’re feeling weird you can always talk to me, you know” she said. Damn her eyes are pretty.
“No, no I’m fine! I don’t feel weird” I assured her.
“Look” Midari crossed her arms “I know this feeling you have. And I’m a hundred percent sure that you’re questioning everything as we speak. You don’t have to. This isn’t a dream Luna. You are dead and you need to face the reality. It’s your only option, unless you want to go insane. And I bet you don’t want that.” She shook her head as she said the last sentence.
And that’s her, changing from a very happy person to the most serious human (ghost?) I’ve ever seen.
“Alright, alright. So, uhm, what were you saying? I wasn’t really paying attention, sorry.”
That seemed to annoy her. I can’t blame her, if I explained something I would also want the person I’m explaining the thing to listen to me.
Actually never mind I take that back, because the sentence makes me look bad and I don’t want to look bad in people’s eyes.
“Again” I continued “I’m sorry.”
“Hm, okay, I forgive you, but please, try to pay attention. It’s important for your life as a ghost. Or should I say death?” Midari added and laughed.
“Anyway, what were you talking about?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“I was just giving you a tour and explaining a little about how the rooms work and about the others. Oh here we are.”
Midari opened a door and we entered a room that looked like a kitchen. There was Mily, who was reading a book at the table. On the other side of the room I saw a tall woman who seemed to be in her early twenties, washing a plate The first thing I noticed about her was her dress, because it had a pastel pink color, which seemed odd for a woman that looked like she was 20 years old. At the same table as Mily was a boy with glasses and black, short hair. He was playing with a pen, staring at it. I guessed that he was thinking about something.
“Oh great, you’re here” Mily said “Saki, scoot over, let the girl sit down.” The boy with glasses frowned and stood up.
“I’ll be in the library if you need anything.” Mily nodded and this…Saki left.
“You can sit down, would you like something to eat? Or something to drink? Maybe your companion here would want something” Mily offered.
“Nope, I’m not hungry, but you can eat if you want Luna” Edgar smiled. You know those weird dating games? Yeah, if he were in one of those he would have been the “nice caring guy” love interest.
“Uhm sure” I said, even though I wasn’t hungry “what’s on the menu?”
“Anything you want” Mily answered “you just have to make sure you eat everything, that’s the only rule.”
“There will be consequences if you don’t eat everything!” Midari warned me.
“Uh, then how about a sandwich?”
“Sure, I already made some of those. You can go to the fridge over there and pick whatever you like.”
The moment I opened the fridge I heard the woman who was washing the dishes say that she was done and then left. I then learned that her name was Erika and that washing the dishes was one of her favorite things to do(it apparently calmed her down, Midari was annoying).
“So Luna, tell us more about yourself” Mily said while closing that book of hers. The only thing I could think about at that moment was why the title of the book was “Spells against your enemies:offer them a PAINFUL death (torture methods)”. I brushed the thought though because it was creeping me out.
“So, uhmmm, as you already know my name is Luna, I’m 12 years old and I like…doing nothing I guess?”
“Go on” Mily insisted.
“I don’t remember how I died…”
“That’s not really normal. Like not at all” Mily interrupted me “are you sure you don’t remember?”
“Sure I’m sure. Don’t you believe me?”I asked. Mily simply made this weird look with the eye that wasn’t covered and changed the subject.
“Tell us” she looked at Midari here “more about your life before you died. Your parents, any siblings?”
“I don’t have much to say about my parents. They’re just your average human beings. As for siblings? I don’t think so.”
“Interesting, continue. What do you remember?”
“I just remember that I fell asleep not that I died or something.” Mily gave Edgar the same look she gave me. He seemed harmless to me.
“And you” Mily started speaking to him “you don’t know anything about this?”
“Nope, not a single thing” he said “I intend to find out though” he then added quietly. Ha, this man thought I couldn’t hear him?
“Do tell me more about yourself Edgar. How old are you? Why did you become this…companion thing?” I asked him, curious to find out more about my new friend.
“I don’t know how I became your companion but I’m sure I’m too old for you. I could be your dad, that’s how old I am.”
That was unexpected. Then how did this old man (that still looked great!) become my companion? Well to be fair I still didn’t really understand what companions are so…Then I decided to change the subject.
“So now that I’m, you know, dead, what can I do?”
“Pretty much nothing, it’s really boring” Midari said.
“And you’re sure there isn’t any way to become…not dead? Like come back to life?” I wondered.
“Sure there is, I’m currently researching it.” Midari clapped her hands, an action she would be doing a lot in the future.
“Only you’ve been doing that since forever and you still don’t have a result” Mily said. I assumed that this was their normal morning conversation.
“But what’s the progress?” Edgar asked.
“Hmmm… it’s like 68 percent done.” Midari looked proud of herself.
“And only that much in eight years. Maybe you should just give up.”
Wow, drama time!
“NEVER! If I do manage to bring you all back to life, not only you will be grateful to me for the rest of your lives but I can also become rich and famous. Being a person that can control when someone dies…that sounds rather god-like!”
“And that’s where you’re wrong. You won’t be able to do that. It’s against all the magic rules!” Mily was getting angrier by the minute.
“I don’t even like magic! It’s not scientifically accurate and it’s hard to control.”
“Just because you can’t control it that doesn’t mean that others can’t. Wake up Midari, the world is being ruled by magic, the librarians-“
“-are really boring. They can’t decide what I’m going to do. I can control my destiny! Plus they don’t even exist!”
“You have to set your expectations lower. Nothing that you have ever dreamed of is going to become reality.”
“Oh yeah, like you saving that woman that was your teacher? That is your dream isn’t it? Spoiler alert: she isn’t coming back to life unless I discover that method to actually bring her back!”
“And they’re at it again” Erika appeared out of nowhere “they always have the same fight every morning. That’s why I wash the dishes and run away as quickly as possible.”
“Then why did you return?”
“I came back to save you two of course, still want to see the rest of the school?” She offered. Edgar and I looked at each other and silently agreed that going with Erika was the best option.
“And they’re doing this every single morning? Doesn’t that give you headaches?” I asked Erika.
“Nah, because being dead… you can’t really feel pain. Their fight is still annoying and boring” Erika said “allow me to explain the curse.”
“Curse? What curse? Since when?” Edgar asked.
“The curse works like this: The spirits who end up in this…school won’t be able to communicate with humans. For example if you, Luna, would want to talk to a person you won’t be able to. Same goes for haunting them. Oh and you can’t leave the school.”
“Who placed the curse?” Edgar asked. This man sure knows more then he shows.
“No one knows. And it’s really annoying. Like I would really like not being trapped in this school, do you even know how loud kids can be?”
“Sorry can’t relate” Edgar said.
“Good for you! And you Luna? Where did you study?” The question took me by surprise and I realized that I didn’t remember. Or do I?
“I might have studied here, in this school” I said and looked out the nearest window. I did remember the school yard. Still everything was so blurry…
“Are you sure? All sort of spirits end up here even though they didn’t go to school here. Me, for example. I’m from Salem.”
“No, I’m sure. I do remember studying her at some point. WAIT! Did you say you were from Salem?!” I exclaimed.
“Yes I am” Erika said and then proceeded not to tell me more about that town “ I never saw you here. And I know all the students. There’s no kid named Luna here.”
“Did you take your medicine Erika? If the girl says that she studied here, then stop pestering her with all these questions. You tend to forget a lot” Edgar said, clearly annoyed. I didn’t question him at that time and I’m so glad I didn’t.
“Alright Edgar, as you wish.” Just a moment, how did she know his name? We never mentioned it in her presence…oh well, maybe she did hear it at some point?
“Good. Let’s go back to your room Luna, we’re done here” Edgar said and started walking down the hallway that led to the rooms. I followed him of course. Somehow I trusted him even though we only met like half an hour ago.
We arrived in my room in no time. Edgar took a seat on a chair next to a table (where the sandwich I had just started eating was, hmm I wonder how it got there) and frowned.
“Are you ok? You seem angry. If Erika said something you don’t like I can go talk to her…” I offered.
“There’s no need to do that. She’s just annoying that’s all. She thinks she knows everything just because she’s old.”
“Old in what way?”
“Didn’t you hear her? She’s from that miserable town called Salem. Of course she’s old.”
“Oh I didn’t think of it like that” I said. I felt bad for the man and I didn’t know why.
“Anyway, how do you like your room? It’s pretty blue, do you like the color?”
“It’s really pretty. Blue is my favorite color so…also, it matches your eyes!“ He giggeled.
“Thanks! Say, you really don’t remember anything? How you died and such?”
“Nope, but I’m sure I will at some point!” Ha, as if. My wishes don’t come true. Still this memory loss bothered me. My whole life was blurry and I couldn’t even remember the faces of my own parents, let alone other details. I didn’t quite remember the school and nothing from what I learned there.
“Hey, snap back to reality!” Edgar said. I didn’t realize I zoned out.
“Midari came to see you.”
“HELLO!! I was wondering if you’d like to blow some stuff up together with me? After that we can go eat lunch and then we can play something if you want. I’m not that good at games like truth or dare but I’m really good at board games so if you want to do that…” she said.
“Uhm what was the first part? You kinda lost me there.”
“I said, THAT IF YOU WANT WE CAN BLOW STUFF UP TOGETHER. I hope that was loud enough. Maybe then we can discover your ghost abilities and then I can help you control them and-“
“-and that won’t be happening, it’s far too dangerous”
“Oh come on Edgar, you oldie. It’s not like she can die a second time.”
“No, but I know that she can disappear from this world!”
“Won’t be happening. Go do something else while I teach Luna my ways.” She proudly declared.
“But I wanted to explore my room…can’t we do that later?” I suggested.
“Oh come on, it’s really not that interesting. It’s just a room.”
But it’s got video games, I thought.
“But…BUT!”
“No but allowed. Don’t you want to find out your ghost abilities?’ Midari asked. Oh God, she’s really close. The little girl doesn’t have a personal space concept.
“I mean I do, who wouldn’t. But still…the room is really interesting.”
“Oh forget the room. I don’t have anyone to do experiments with. One of my grestest wishes is to have some kind of assistant! And it’s getting kind of lonely…so…PLEASE COME WITH ME I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE” Midari said and started crying. Little did I know at that time that this was just a form of manipulation.
“Alright, alright just stop crying.” I gave into her desieres.
“OK, let’s go! Today we’ll be conducting experiments in the school yard!” she said, grabbed my hand and dragged me to the yard. You should have seen Edgar’s face, poor man.
Edgar disappeared while I was gone with Midari. Of course, because I’m the last person to find out about everything, the reason why he left remained unknown for me.
The time I spend with Midari was great and I could tell that I found a friend. I didn’t discover my ghost ability on that day, but a week later, when I accidentally set the kitchen on fire.
“OH NO, MILY, LUNA’S BURNING DOWN YOUR KITCHEN!!” Midari shouted while trying to get some water to put out the fire.
“What did you say, OH NO!”
I was trying to process everything that happened and unfortunately it looked like I didn’t care, so Mily started scolding me.
“IT’S BEEN ONE WEEK, JUST ONE WEEK AND YOU’RE ALREADY DESTROYING THINGS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH ENEGRY WILL COST ME TO REPAIR THIS?!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! I’ll clean the kitchen once we put out the fire, I promise!”
“YOU BETTER CLEAN IT! AND DON’T YOU FORGET THAT YOU PROMISED!”
I felt really bad. It wasn’t my fault…well actually it was, but I didn’t know how to control this power yet…
Saki started reciting some incantations in another language and the fire went out, but the kitchen was severely damaged. I did clean up everything and with the help of a few spells from Saki the kitchen was clean in no time. I was really proud of myself (and Saki).
A new week then started and the kids that were learning at that school were in for another traumatizing week. Edgar reappeared a few days after Monday (I can’t remember exactly which one), didn’t say a thing about where he had left or about how he managed to get out of the school. He seemed really sad and I tried cheering him up but that didn’t work.
Mily was still a little angry at me, but her anger soon disappeared when Midari blew up a whole classroom.
The next few months I spent away from the students (they can be really noisy, just like Erika said) and then it was time for summer vacation, which meant peace and quiet for me and the others.
I trained daily (to my own suffering) with Edgar, because he insisted I needed to know how to properly defend myself (and how to use a sword). Turns out I’m good with a sword but really bad without it, so since that moment I always made sure I had my katana with me.
As for the powers part, the fire I can generate isn’t your typical fire. It’s actually a neon blue fire, which at first scared me. Mily assumed it was like that because my favorite color is blue, but I’m not so sure about her explanation. She was in charge of my ability training and, I don’t know why, she couldn’t really stand me. Her main reason was about me chatting a lot and asking a lot of questions, but I didn’t think that that was it. She could handle Midari who was talking even more than me but couldn’t stand me talking? That was really suspicious.
Then summer vacation also passed. The most notable event of the whole summer was meeting this 10 year old who was apparently the others’ boss. He didn’t seem important so I ignored him.
Then autumn, then winter(I can’t really remember what I was doing, probably just sitting around, doing nothing all day and chatting with Midari) and then it was spring again!
And then my life turned upside down.
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140,070 Literary Works • 672,989 Reviews
Hello imsosleepy! Welcome to YWS!
I feel conflicted. On the one hand, you wrote a pretty neat introduction and introduced some interesting ideas. The character, Luna, comes across as a very endearing figure. There is a neat mystery in her inability to recollect the circumstances of her death.
However... this introduction has a major weakness in that it doesn't actually move the story forward. We don't really learn anything about Luna's character, we don't know where the story is taking place, we don't really have a compelling conflict either. So it pains me that, after reading something this well written, my reaction was "Where is this going?"
Sadly, I think what needs to happen here is to delete this introduction and start the story with Luna waking up as a ghost. Instead of having Luna talk with us about what she learned, walk us through it one step at a time. That way, the story can gain some momentum over time. Right now the introduction comes across as an endearing info dump.
One thing that I recommend doing whenever you introduce a new character is to really take the time to describe them. The more they feature in your story, the longer you should take. You give us some details here, the eyes and the grin, but then you transition to how the character feels about them, at which point you aren't describing the character any more, you're describing the protagonist.
I think you should finish describing these people. What are they wearing? Are they dressed in the same attire as they died in? Are there any hints of their spectral nature?
I think if I woke up in Luna's position, my first question would be "Who are you and why are you in my room?" Or maybe I would just scream. If they are ghosts, do they know how I died? And if they don't, then where are we and what are we doing here?
When I was speaking earlier about taking the time to introduce a character properly, this is what I was talking about. Sort of. One thing you did here was insert some parenthetical commentary from Luna...
Sometimes, for no reason at all, Luna will hijack a paragraph that is about another character in order to make it about herself. When we were introduced to Midari, halfway through she turned it into how Midari made her feel (which made it about Luna.) Now, she is trying to hijack the paragraph about Mily to draw attention to how clumsy she can be at describing people, which is making it about her instead of Mily.
On the one hand, Luna is the POV that is telling the story. However, as the author, it is sometimes beneficial to tell your main character to shut up and wait for you to finish your introductory description, before they go back to talking about themselves and their feelings about the character you've introduced. Once again: describing a character is not the same as telling us how another character feels about them.
I think if you went back to the paragraph where Midari was first introduced and incorporated the new details about her hair and her age, you wouldn't have to describe her again like you did here and we could have all those details in mind as they talk.
I feel like this is another info-dump, like a tutorial in an anime about what companions are got activated by accident somehow. Even the term "power level" is giving me Dragonball Z vibes.
As I've been reading through their conversations, I am finding myself getting bored with them. Yes, they are getting to know one another and yes, they are dropping all this information. But what I don't see is any driving conflict. It is like I'm reading a transcription of teenage girls chatting during a five hour road trip.
They are talking a lot, but are they advancing the plot? Are we encountering problems that need to be overcome? Are we discovering interesting situations to witness? Or are they talking just to fill space?
You've done well on the writing part, what needs refining is the storytelling part. Luna wakes up, examines her surroundings, meets some new people... now what? What does she want to do and how does she get to that next step?
I hope this commentary is helpful in helping you understand my experience reading this and helps you improve the story still further.
Hey, thought I should explain everything.
First of all, this is a draft. Obviously I'm not happy with a lot of things about it myself (how some of them talk, act, a couple of other plot holes and so on), but still, there are some misunderstandings I feel the need to clear up. I usually put up a message before posting anything, but I kind of forgot here, so let's get into it.
The story itself is DIALOGUE focused, therefore the narration and most importantly, descriptions, are kind of an afterthought.
This story is meant to be fun-a story that can be read out loud while including important lore. Treat it as a movie you can play out with friends, just for funsies.
I will now address everything you've mentioned.
I would like to first make a few notes on Luna and why everything she says or does is thought out, even if it may not seem like it.
Luna is telling this story to someone else- they're currently having a conversation. This doesn't get revealed until much later though,but there are a lot of hints at it.
That's why she's not talking like she's narrating a book, but her own life. By the time she's story-telling, she is 16. She won't have the vocabulary of a 20 year old, much less tell a story like one.
This is Luna's way of talking, and a way to separate the character from the author. I can assure you, this is 100% intentional. While this isn't everyone's cup of tea, it's a fun way to break the "perfect" character pattern.
So, in a way, you're not really criticizing the author, but the character. She does not take into account that the person she's talking to isn't familiar with the characters, their individual personalities and looks. Luna is the type of person who assumes that everyone knows what she knows, so why should she care?
This brings me to another point- she is extremely selfish. I understand the frustration of the reader (this is the same issue the person she's talking to has with her!) and the need to know more about the others, but that is simply not Luna's personality.
She just assumes that everyone knows what a Ghost is, so why should she have to explain it? She's very impatient, curious and EXTREMELY self centered. That's why, just like how you pointed out (!), she keeps talking about herself, just as she's about to tell the reader something about the others.
She also narrates events that happend while she was 12. In order to understand her narration style, you need to take a step back and ask yourself: "Is this bad writing? Or was it done intentional?" , "Will her personality remain this way throughout the book, or is this just the author trying to play a prank?"
And once again, this story needs to be treated as if I, the author, is a TOTAL separate entity from Luna; as if Luna HERSELF was writing this down.
The Dragonball Z reference made me laugh. This isn't at all what Edgar said, but a distorted piece of dialogue. Luna is explaining what she and her 12 yo brain understood at that time. Obviously a 12 yo is going to interpret things in a fun cartoon-ish using an easy writing style. She's no literary master, but a girl who needs to polish the way she speaks.
Onto my final point, I'm guessing this just isn't your type of story! Luna is an observer, even as the main character. She tells us what she sees, but doesn't have a real goal. How someone once pointed out: "Everyone is more main character material than Luna."
She does stupid things, gets in trouble, doesn't care, does more stupid things and that's it. The total story is more like a collection of short stories, placed in an order that makes sense to her. Luna herself forgets important events and details until much later on, that's just how she is.
She is making up useless dialogue in an attempt to make the person she's talking to like her and find her funny and relatable, but as you can see, she's not really succeeding.
One more thing to add on Luna is that she's a detached person. She has 0 morals which will be revealed later. She puts others down to make herself seem better, even if she isn't.
But again, it might not be your cup of tea and that's totally fine! What I need is that people try to understand HER and stop focusing so much on plot in a character driven story (by character I mean Luna. The rest are, as she would describe them "just there", even if they get more interesting later on).
She skips over A LOT of important things because she's scatter brained. She's a perfect example of a character who, after commiting atrocious crimes, tries to justify them by making themselves seem like the hero.
Hope this helped
(I do write other stuff if you're interested, just tell me and we can talk on discord and such)
I think that a story without a plot is like a human without a skeleton. Without the plot, it can not stand on its own merits.
True, good dialogue can be appreciated for a time. But I think an argument can be made that the best dialogue are lines where characters tell interesting stories. If you're at a party, you don't want to listen to a bore, but people gather around someone that has lots of interesting stories to tell.
The problem with Luna as a narrator is that she wanders away from being interesting to being a bore. If you are going to write a first person narrator, they have to remain a compelling POV throughout, otherwise the reader will get bored. You may argue that this is part of her character, but you are still responsible as an author for telling an interesting story. Stories can have boring characters, but it is a sin for a story to be boring.
As an author, you have access to techniques to mitigate this. One would be to switch the point of view from first person to third person, so that you can cut away from them to something more interesting. Another might be to shift between POVs. Maybe you keep Luna's POV, but transition from a conversation that has run its course to a new conversation later in the day. You may want to experiment with writing scenes using these tactics to see if they work better.
On a different note, I noticed you had some questions on how I was making quotes happen. YWS uses bbCode in its post architecture. So BOLD Italics underlined look like this in my window:
[b]BOLD[/b] [i]Italics[/i] [u]underlined[/u]It looks like this:
[quote="Griffinkeeper"]And if I want to quote myself...[/quote][quote]Or no one in particular[/quote]
There are a bunch of other bbCode commands that you can familiarize yourself with, as well as a few other neat innovations are site admin has made. For example...
Ordinarily, when you post a link, there is this whole messy string of characters which isn't very attractive. However, if you post a link to a work on YWS, the site will automatically convert it to the name of the title. See what happens when I post the link to your work here:
Classroom Ghost
See? Pretty nifty! Before that we would have had to write out this bbCode:
[url=https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=161898#c772834]Classroom Ghost[/url]Which is... a lot.
I hope this helps. And if you would like to read something of mine, I recently posted a chapter from a new project that is also in need of feedback: Grey Tidings: Chapter 1 (v4p2)
"I think that a story without a plot is like a human without a skeleton. Without the plot, it can not stand on its own merits."
It's extremely subjective though. You misunderstood what I tried to say. Again, all the points you described are things that a bunch of other people ENJOY about Luna and the story itself, so this is really just your POV. I've also read like 3 lines of your story and it's so boring to me that I can%u2019t be bothered to continue it at all, but that's just my own PERSONAL taste! Your story might be the best piece of writing to tens of others!
While you've made good GENERAL points and I can certainly appreciate the fact that you know things a lot of people miss while writing, they simply don't apply to Luna and how I've structured THIS story in particular. You might enjoy some of my other works, especially the ones that contain everything you mentioned in your earlier comment. Again, it%u2019s what suits your personal taste.
Luna is the type to learn as the story goes on. So the first part might be boring, the second one gets better while the third is the best. Again, a personality slow-burn. YOU think it%u2019s boring, but others have told me that this is what they ESPECIALLY LOVE about her.
Just because YOU don't find her interesting it doesn't mean that 10 other people will share the same opinion. What I think you need to do is to take a moment and actually analyze if what you're saying is subjective or not. ,,This character is boring to ME" isn't an argument. I feel like you're also assuming that this is the only thing I've ever written and that because you think it's bad, that I don't know about every technique you mentioned. Fun fact, Luna was NOT the first narrator. She really is what worked best for the story. Third person will only make it uninteresting. I think it%u2019s fun that you have to connect the dots yourself and now having it handed out on a plate.
As an author, having to please the public is not your duty and this is certainly not that type of story. If you keep writing just to make a small group of people happy (let's be serious, not everyone is going to like what you write anyway), you take away all the joy it brings YOU. Be a little selfish. Maybe I wanted to express something through Luna, just like all other authors want to express something through their stories. Who cares if an author doesn't make the ,,everything must be written this way because I don't find it fun and interesting " group happy. Go have fun for God's sake, you're not getting published this instant. The publishing house and editor will tell you everything you did wrong anyway, so enjoy freedom while you can
The ,,everything needs to be PERFECT%u201D mentality has ruined, in my opinion, the publishing industry. As mentioned before, I have other stories I write with the goal of publishing in mind. They%u2019re exactly what you described: a character/ group of characters have a certain goal in mind which they work to achieve. This pattern is boring and repetitive to ME, since we%u2019re discussing subjectivity, but amazing for others! But in all honesty, having to write this way has not done any justice to what I%u2019m trying to write. Does it make it perfect for a simple minded public who can%u2019t think outside the box and doesn%u2019t appreciate interesting and new types of plot techniques and characters? Absolutely! Does it make me hate writing at the same time? Of course!
I wanted to share Luna and her story for funsies. Please interpret it however you like, but don%u2019t blame the author for your subjective view (although I am aware that the story does have it%u2019s FLAWS and there are things I plan on changing- but the POV and narration style will remain the same, hate to break it to you) on the plot, characters and their actions. I beg you to start asking yourself questions: %u201CWhy Luna? Why not Midari/Mily as the main character?%u201D, ,,Wait, is there something deeper going on here? Are there any psychological aspects I might%u2019ve missed?%u201D , ,,Am I not enjoying this because it%u2019s bad, or because I%u2019m not used to it?%u201D.
Not trying to justify certain parts of the first chapter that I dislike as well. However everything you pointed out has an explanation, a reason. You just have to dig deeper to find it. Just because the language I used is easy to understand and Luna herself is explaining it so that even the simplest minded person can understand it, does not mean that it%u2019s not metaphor heavy or not %u201Cas deep%u201D.
Stop assuming you know everything about a story by reading 1 chapter, again, there%u2019s 37 of them and unfortunately for you, you need to read everything in order to understand it better.
P.S. something went wrong and the reply looks awful. I'm sorry you'll have to squint so you can understand it. I'm really sorry
The first thing that caught my eye was the diary-style narration, which works well for the character of Luna. It makes her relatable & establishes her age (12) effectively. It is reasonable to assume that a young girl would have a personality in this manner, particularly after such an event like waking up as a ghost!
However, Luna is 12, but sometimes her observations feel a bit more mature (or perhaps just more genre-savvy). You should ensure her reactions to things, like the katana or the fire, reflect the awe or terror a 12 year old would actually feel. I can't think like a 12 year old girl because I am not one.
I agree that the asides take away from the plot development, & I want to also mention a general "rule of thumb" for character narratives as you've stated this is: you still need to have a realized plot & concept of how it will develop, even if this is concentrated to one (1) person's perspective. We can't know the things you have explained because it isn't stated, at least not yet; how can you show (!) the readers that Luna is selfish, or egocentric, or what else you imagine she is?
Other note, for the eyes: using parentheticals like these is a fun stylistic choice, but I'd suggest to use it sparingly. It’s effective for humor, but if it happens in every paragraph, it can make the writing feel unpolished rather than intentionally casual. There are more functional ways to write in a voice of a child, in an autobiographical or conversational tone, that maintain the general "gist" that you are writing a story; in fiction, we want to believe in Luna’s world. When you write something aside, you are reminding the reader that they are reading a document written by a person sitting at a keyboard, not even that of a 12 year old girl.
You mention a year passing in a single paragraph. This is a lot of off-screen development! If Luna is training with a katana & learning to control blue fire, the reader should reasonably want to see the struggle of that first successful spark or the first time she doesn't struggle as much. In the span of a few paragraphs, Luna wakes up, meets a cast of four or five people, learns she’s dead, gets a weapon, & skips through an entire year.
I agree with the other comments --> having these details is great if you want an immersive feel, but do they actually add substance?
Overall, this was an interesting first chapter! I've always been drawn to paranormal stories, so the general idea of waking up a ghost caught my attention. I'd suggest to explore different points of view & perspective though; it may be better to shape Luna based around her environment, not vice versa!
Keep writing!
~ Charley
Hello!
I'm still figuring out how quotations work on this website. Until then, I'll reply to each paragraph with a paragraph of my own
First of all, I wouldn't describe it as "diary style"- it's more of a "let's sit down and let me tell you what happened in my crazy life" style. But funny observation since the OG version was a diary entry.
Yes! Her observations feel mature because of the environment Luna grew up in, even if she's 12. While I can't give out spoilers, I can say that you, as a reader, need to interpret everything she's saying and doing. It's a story written in a simple style, so that everyone can understand, yet, at the same time, it's metaphor heavy. You need to make connections and decide on your own what you think of the characters, even Luna! As previously mentioned, Luna is narrating about her 12-yo self, so she doesn't really remember every detail. She's a person that gets bored easily and hates talking about things she's not interested in. This cannot be established by only reading one chapter, since this is more of a silly introduction to the story.
I also noticed you mentioning that you can't think like a 12 yo because you aren't one, and frankly, you're very real for that. But keep in mind this fun detail: Luna is based on 12 yo me. So every single one of her reactions would be mine, therefore making her a believable character, even if she doesn't fit the "dumb 12 yo" stereotype.
Everything gets revealed later on, be patient guys. The second chapter is where the actual story starts. There are a LOT of books with a "boring" first chapter who end up being amazing. I'm just saying this is the first chapter of a 37 chapter story...
Then, not every story needs a conflict. There are a lot of stories where the mc is just an observer who doesn't really do anything. Luna is just like that- you either hate her or you love her, there's no in-between.
Then, I don't want this story to be non conventional. It is not one I'm expecting to actually publish (I have a better one, that yes, has actual goals, plot, conflict whatever you guys want it to have), but it's still a fun one and a passion project of mine. I dislike books where it feels like the mc is some sort of author while they're telling us about their adventures, when they're not. In my opinion, a first person book should focus on the main character's perspective and personality- psychological aspects, which can be shown through scenes where a lot of interpretation is needed.
I want a story where readers have to THINK and get creative. Luna doesn't tell you what they look like, be free to try and guess! It's a small mystery incorporated in the narration. Luna doesn't tell you about their personalities, you have to deduce them using interpretation, logic (example: Luna is apathetic and not very scared when met with the possibility that she died-> she's probably used to seeing dramatic things like these happen and it's not shocking anymore) and your own creativity!
I personally am the type to indirectly characterize my characters through actions and dialogue/speech patterns (is Midari talking fast?=> She's the energetic and hyper one). This is just the first chapter, all other details about them will come in time! Think of it as a personality slowburn.
The parentheses represent something,not just Luna yapping. They get fewer and fewer as Luna talks more throughout the book, because she realizes that it's annoying to the person she talks to! It's really a matter of "just wait and see".
The year passing isn't relevant to Luna or the story, because she will explain everything the reader needs to know after that! Trust in her, she will tell you everything you need to know. Her storytelling just follows her personality, which is clearly more akin to a real life person than a book character, but have some fun! A story doesn't have rules that are set in stone.
The comments do add substance later on, it's just Luna who needs to make up her mind about what she wants to say and she improves as she speaks.
I would also like to mention that the story is one that's meant to be read out loud, using different voices, just like in a theater play and preferably with friends. It's a lot more fun that way and you need to INTERPRET everyone's voices and such.
Please, have fun with it. That's the entire point. If you want a classic story with characters who have set goals, motivations, more descriptions, more narration and less dialogue, I have those too and they are better in terms of writing and storytelling. But I think we need silly stories like this one from time to time, just to remember that writing is supposed to be fun.
If you guys want to talk more about the subject I'm available on discord and such, please just ask and I'll explain everything in detail.
This story might not be your cup of tea!!! I have other people who actually praise exactly the points you commented on, it's very subjective!
Also! I do agree with a lot of your points. This story just isn't the right one for that