Grey Tidings: Chapter 1 (v4p2)

by Griffinkeeper

Published March 1, 2026

E - Everyone

In Grey Tidings

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Chapter 1

Lorelei Black was in the middle of enchanting a crystal, when the bells above the Black Family Magic Shop door chimed. She was a young woman in her twenties and wore a black apron over a simple orange dress. A matching orange headscarf kept her black hair from obstructing her vision. By her feet, in a box with a blanket, lay her familiar, a white goose named Honkers, that was presently sleeping.

“Good morning Danny,” Lorelei said without turning from the crystal. Danny had been their postman for five years and was always there punctually at 8:30 am. “Give me a moment to finish working on this crystal. We have some parcels going out today.”

“I have some mail for you as well, including one from out of town,” Danny said. He was in this late thirties, with an athletic build, and he always wore his postal uniform. He was good-natured, with a weakness for gambling. “If you can guess where it is from in five guesses, I’ll give you a copper piece.”

“That’s generous, but I probably only need— OW! HONKERS! Don’t be a nuisance!” Lorelei said. Her goose familiar had apparently awoken and poked her ankles. Honkers rewarded her with a mischievous honk and waddled away. Lorelei turned back to the crystal, only to find the magical filaments in tatters. She would have to try again. She dismissed them and there was a faint smell of ozone, instead, she turned to face Danny.

“Did he get your foot again?” Danny asked, amused.

“Yep,” Lorelei answered, pulling a copper piece from her coin purse and putting it on the counter. “Five guesses to name where the letter is from? I will probably get it in three,” Lorelei smiled slyly. Danny matched her smile and put his own copper piece on the counter next to hers. He then pulled the letter from his mail pouch.

“Here it is,” Danny said, holding up the letter, being careful to cover up the address and the name of the sender. There were other clues Lorelei available to Lorelei.

“Two silver pieces for postage?” Lorelei gave a low whistle. “That rules out Lake Junction and the Quiet Sound area. Is it from the Crownshold?”

“Nope! Four more guesses.”

“Too bad, I was hoping the King would send us some work. Errol’s Pass? They have some mining operations down that way.”

“Try again!”

“Crescent Beach? I heard there was a ship from there in port with some wealthy merchants,” Lorelei asked.

“Not this time! Two left, better make them count,” Danny said. Lorelei paused and thought carefully. She had passed the three guesses she had thought it would take and Danny seemed a great deal too confident. She closed her eyes and tried to remember.

“There was another ship that came from the south. From one of the feuding clans,” Lorelei said slowly. “Haleford?” Lorelei asked.

“No! Last chance!” Danny looked triumphant, then froze as he looked behind Lorelei.

“Good morning Mrs. Black,” he said. Lorelei turned to see her mother coming. Lorelei had inherited many of her mothers attributes, including the same black hair and physical traits. However, she wore an elegant dark blue dress instead. Her eyes carried great wisdom and she was no one to be trifled with. In her hand, she carried a bag she used to perform house calls.

“Good morning Danny. I hope you aren’t gambling with my daughter when there is work to do,” she said sharply, putting her hands on her hips.

“Oh, please Mrs. Black? I have her down to her last guess out of five,” Danny pleaded.

“Five guesses?” Lorelei’s mother looked intrigued. Lorelei saw her mother scan the room and found no customers in the shop so far. “Very well, but do hurry up Lorelei.”

“If it isn’t Haleford, then I’ll guess it’s their rivals in Briarsgate,” Lorelei said.

“Nope!” Danny said triumphantly, before handing the letter over to Lorelei’s mother. She snatched it immediately from his hand and read the envelope.

“Haven,” Mrs. Black said, looking at the letter thoughtfully. “I don’t think we’ve ever gotten a letter from there. I didn’t hear of a ship from there coming into port either.”

“That’s because the ship from Haleford stopped by Haven on their way up the West Coast. Better luck next time,” Danny winked at Lorelei as he collected the two copper coins from the counter.

“Don’t spend it all in one place,” Lorelei said with mock indignation. Danny laughed at that.

“Lorelei, get the parcels for Danny,” her mother said. Lorelei retreated to the backroom and brought them back out. Danny was still smirking. Lorelei handed him the packages and he carried the packages towards the door. Lorelei didn’t bother to watch him leave, turning to her mother instead.

“Who’s it from?” Lorelei asked her mother as the door chimes signaled Danny’s departure.

“Lord Marlon Grey apparently,” Mrs. Black said, opening the envelope. “He must be new, I’ve never heard of House Grey before. His handwriting is a bit difficult to read though, can you make anything of it Lorelei?” Lorelei took the letter and began reading it.

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Black, I have had the pleasure of purchasing a number of fine enchanted items from your shop in the past and I hope you can help supply with something a great deal rarer. I would like your assistance in locating a mage that would be willing to live and work in Haven, as I expect demand will be picking up for magical services in Haven for the foreseeable future. I hope that you will assist me not just in locating applicants, but also in screening them, as House Grey has no means of assessing their magical capability…”

“Definitely new nobility,” Mrs. Black said. “All the established houses can afford to learn magic themselves, rather than relying on a mage.”

“…I am prepared to offer ten gold pieces to cover your expenses on this endeavor, and will pay an additional ten gold pieces to you as a finder’s fee once you have found a suitable candidate. Please write me back if these terms are acceptable to you, and I will send the first installment directly. Sincerely, Marlon Grey, Lord of Haven.” Lorelei folded the letter and handed it back to her mother. “Twenty gold pieces is a pretty lucrative fee.” Lorelei did well to earn three gold pieces a week.

“It would have to be,” Mrs. Black agreed. “Haven is about as far away as one can get from the Capitol. I don’t know a single mage that would be okay with being that isolated for a short-term contract, much less to move there permanently. We might only end up spending ten gold pieces looking for someone that doesn’t exist and then lose out on the finders fee”

“So, do we tell him no?” Lorelei asked.

“Not just yet, let me talk with your father first. Maybe he’ll know someone that’s desperate enough,” Mrs. Black said. Lorelei frowned suddenly.

“What’s wrong?” Mrs. Black asked Lorelei.

“Do you see Honkers?” Lorelei replied.

“Isn’t he in his nest by your feet?”

“No, he wandered off while I was talking with Danny.”

“Go check your room. I’ll search down here,” Mrs. Black said. Lorelei nodded, before going down the hallway and up the stairs to the living quarters above the shop. She returned a few minutes later.

“He’s not up there,” Lorelei reported.

“He’s not down here either,” Mrs. Black replied.

“He must have slipped out behind Danny,” Lorelei groaned, grabbing her green cloak. “That’s the third time this week. I bet he went for Mrs. Pickings garden again. She was so upset last time.”

“Go quickly then, I’ll cover the shop,” Mrs. Black said. “Hurry back quickly, I have a house call with the Stevenson’s in thirty minutes.”

“I’ll be back before then,” Lorelei promised as she went out the door. The streets were busy as Lorelei looked around, soon there would be more customers heading to the shop. She turned to the left to head towards Mrs. Pickings home, when a white goose feather blew in from behind her. Lorelei turned around and saw Honkers pacing on top of a far-away wall that was ten feet high.

“Honkers!” Lorelei called out as she rushed past people to get there. Honkers hopped over the wall and disappeared from view. Lorelei arrived at where Honkers had disappeared and her heart sank. This was Lady Bluchard’s estate, the highest ranking noble in Stonybrook. She was the cities social matron and had a garden that was as famous as it was exclusive. Lorelei had once been invited to attend one of these parties as part of a chamber of commerce function, but she had gotten sick the day of the party and there hadn’t been an opportunity to attend one since. She worried now about meeting Lady Bluchard under the present circumstances.

“Honkers! Get back here!” Lorelei called out nervously. There was no reply.

“If you aren’t back here in thirty seconds, you’re going to be in big trouble!” Lorelei yelled.

“Good morning Lorelei. Has your goose escaped again?” a woman’s asked, startling Lorelei.

“Good morning Mrs. Carrington,” Lorelei replied. Mrs. Carrington was old enough to be her grandmother and her mother often visited her for on house calls that doubled as tea. She wore a shawl and used a cane to walk.

“He slipped out the door while I was distracted with a delivery. And if he doesn’t hurry back over the wall he will be in BIG TROUBLE,” Lorelei explained, emphasizing the last two words for Honkers benefit. She felt the eyes of others on the streets looking at her, but she paid them no attention. Instead of a response from Honkers, there was the sound of shattered glass and the sound of people shouting.

“Oh my, it would seem like he’s already in big trouble,” Mrs. Carrington observed. Lorelei went pale.

“I’ve got to go!” Lorelei said, her fear overcoming her embarrassment, leaving Mrs. Carrington behind as she ran up the street to where the gate was. The gate was shut and next to it was a gatehouse. Lorelei spotted a rope attached to a bell, and rang it loudly. A man emerged from the gatehouse. He was tall, with brown hair and a lanky build, Lorelei recognized him as Jensen, one of her old schoolmates before she had been sent off to study magic at the Royal Academy.

“Lorelei? What are you doing here?” Jensen asked.

“Jensen! Hurry up and open this gate up! My goose is loose in the garden and I need to get him before he runs amok!!” Lorelei said.

“I can’t just open the gate up for anyone,” Jensen said. There was another crash of glass and more swearing.

“Just open the—“ Lorelei wheezed mid-sentence as an invisible force kicked her in the gut, knocking the air out of her. She collapsed to the ground under the blow.

“Lorelei!” Jensen said. Lorelei heard the sound of the gate unlocking and Jensen was there. “Are you okay?”

“Honkers and I are magically bonded,” Lorelei gasped. “Someone just kicked Honkers hard enough that it traveled through the bond. I take the hit, so he doesn’t have to. Help me up.” Jensen helped her to her feet.

“I think that sound came from the greenhouse,” Jensen said.

“Where is it?” Lorelei asked.

“It’s at the center of the hedge maze,” Jensen said, pointing to an opening beyond the gate.

“You need to take me there, it’s a matter of life and death,” Lorelei said.

“I can’t leave the gate unlocked,” Jensen responded. “Go on ahead and I’ll try and catch up with you.” Lorelei stumbled through the gate as Jensen worked to lock up the gate, then she entered the hedge maze. The shock of the blow was starting to wear off and Lorelei felt herself gain speed. She took a few wrong turns before Jensen caught up to her.

“Lorelei! This way!” he said. He moved ahead rapidly and in under a minute they were at the greenhouse. Jensen opened the door and Lorelei stepped through.

The scene that greeted her was utter pandemonium. Honkers was cornered by two bloodied men in overalls, Lady Bluchard’s gardeners. Trellises were broken, plants hung limply from snapped shoots, and the smell of foul chemicals came from where clay pots had smashed into the ground and mixed with the shattered glass panes.

“We got him cornered! On three we’ll grab him. One. Two…” the head gardener said.

“STOP!” Lorelei bellowed at a volume that surprised everyone, including herself. “THAT IS MY FAMILIAR.” The gardeners hesitated. Lady Bluchard had taught them enough to respect a mage’s familiar. Lorelei used that hesitation to stride forward towards them. Honkers hissed at the men.

“Step aside please,” Lorelei said to the lead gardener. He stepped aside and Lorelei moved past him. She bent over and scooped Honkers up off the ground and held him fast as he continued to hiss at the gardeners. Lorelei checked Honkers for injuries. No bones were broken, but there was a nasty cut. Lorelei took off her headscarf and used it to apply pressure to the wound. She looked up at the gardeners, they had wounds on their hands and forearms where Honkers had bitten them.

“I apologize for Honker’s behavior,” Lorelei said. “Which one of you kicked him?”

“I did, but he didn’t seem the worse for it,” the lead gardener said. “I thought I had missed.”

“You didn’t miss,” Lorelei said, wincing at the memory of the blow. “I took it instead. I’m just glad you didn’t slit his throat.” Lorelei said. The gardener’s eyes widened.

“Would that have killed you?” he asked.

“No, but it would have killed him,” Lorelei said. “Only damage that is lethal to him and non-lethal to me gets sent through the bond.” Honkers continued hissing at the men.

“What have you done?” Lorelei whispered as she tried to soothe Honkers by rocking him back and forth amid fallen orchid petals and broken glass. She looked up just in time to see Jensen, the guard captain, and Lady Bluchard enter the greenhouse.

Lady Bluchard let out a wail and spoke with the guard captain. Lorelei waited, this wouldn’t be good. Finally, the Guard Captain came to Lorelei.

“Please come with me,” he said softly.

Ten hours later, Lorelei was alone in a jail cell with Honkers. The floor was covered in straw. There was a wooden bucket for use as a privy and a bench to sit on. She wasn’t crying any more. Now she was just terrified of what would happen next. The door to the cell opened and her parents came in. Her mother was still wearing her dark blue dress, while her father wore a black coat, white shirt, and black knee-length breeches. Both wore serious expressions.

She expected them to yell at her, so she was surprised when they embraced her with a big hug. Lorelei started crying again from the surge of emotions. It took a few moments for her to regain her composure.

“How bad is it?” Lorelei asked tearfully.

“Bad,” her father said. “Lady Bluchard was upset, but we were able to come to an arrangement. She has offered not to press charges against you, on two conditions. First, we must pay for all the damages caused by Honkers, including the injuries to the gardeners, as well as a fine.”

“How much?”

“Three thousand gold pieces total,” her father said grimly. Lorelei’s heart dropped.

“Three thousand gold pieces? That’s more than the shop makes in two years.”

“Closer to three years revenue. The glass was imported from Crownhold. The orchids that were destroyed were rare varieties worth one hundred gold pieces each. All that needs to be made whole,” her father said. Lorelei was horrified.

“What’s the other condition?” Lorelei whispered.

“Lady Bluchard does not want Honkers in Stonybrook any more. He has a history of breaking into peoples gardens and she says that the people have had enough. She has nothing against you personally, but she believes that Honkers is a menace. He has to leave or die, but because of your bond with him, she will give you the choice,” her father said.

“I’m not going to see Honkers killed,” Lorelei declared. “I raised him from an egg and he is my best friend.”

“Then you will have to leave Stonybrook,” her mother said. “There is a ship leaving tonight.”

“Where will I go?”

“Haven. Remember the letter we got?”

“Haven? That’s a backwater for—“

“For people that want to lay low and get a fresh start. Which is exactly the circumstances you and Honkers find yourself in,” her father said. “The ship that brought the letter from Haven is still docked in port, but it leaves for Haleford later this evening. If you sign the deal, we can put you on that ship and have them drop you off in Haven on the way. But we need to act now.”

“Give me the paperwork,” Lorelei said. Her father gave it to her and she read it, before hesitating.

“If I sign this, I won’t be able to see you or my friends in Stonybrook again,” Lorelei whispered.

“We can visit you once you are settled,” her mother said. Lorelei nodded then signed it. Her father took the paperwork and called for a guard.

“We’ll be back in an hour with your things. Be ready,” her father said. Lorelei nodded. Her parents gave her a parting hug, and then they left, leaving her alone with Honkers once more.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review Review · Mar 16

So, it’s been a while but the dice list does not forget 😊 Here I am!

I already approve of goose familiars :3

Hm I find the phrasing: “as always there punctually at 8:30 am“ pretty awkward. My brain kept correcting it into: “always perfectly punctual” lol

Also, here’s how the crystal is mentioned: 1st Lorelei is “enchanting it” then she is “turning from it” and then she is “working on it” but I feel we never really get to see what this means and so it feels repetitive. I wish she would have been a bit more specific to her postman bc he might have seen her work with crystals before and therefore might get a more detailed explanation. Idk like “finish layering X magic for Y family” or something. Just… not another generic crystal line XD

See later, she talks about magical filaments, that is specific and interesting and gives at least some hint on what she is doing with this thing! (I am only this nitpicky bc you asked me to XD)

Also, I feel like the way you describe… anything is very uhh standard. I also don’t know why we need to know that mr postman is a gambling addict (pardon, gambling-weak) atm and why we are told that fact in such a hand-wavy way?
Then, we have a bit of action with Honkers getting feisty but it all feels so… slow and subdued. I think I need to get into the right headspace for this. It’ll take me a while but I will get there :3

Hm what is this “instead” doing here?

instead, she turned to face Danny.


(I adore that you are doing dialogue formatting correctly. THANK YOU)
*reads on*
NEVERMIND I AM BETRAYED.
I will probably get it in three,” Lorelei smiled slyly.
To smile is not a speech tag, so no comma between dialogue and narration! Show me how you smile a sentence! [I will collect my dialogue grievances in this paragraph.] Or how to “wink a sentence.”

Hmm I feel like you could have read over this a few more times. Especially when I change font or when I upload stories to YWS, I find myself catching the weirdest errors in my own works. Like this one here with the multiplying Lorelei XD “There were other clues Lorelei available to Lorelei.”

I like this little land excursion you do with Lorelei guessing where the letter comes from. An excellent opportunity to show some easy world building :3

“However, she wore an elegant dark blue dress instead.” I don’t know if however and instead fit here since you talked about inherited attributes in the previous sentence.

Ohhhhh a weakness for gambling!! That’s why he asked her to guess!!! AHhhhh I get it now! Still think you didn’t need to write his weakness into narration. Could have had Mother Black here make an off-hand comment and him being rather sheepish to that?

This is an excellent sentence to supplement the dialogue! “Lorelei did well to earn three gold pieces a week.” Very well done!

This would be a good moment to mention the time of day? “The streets were busy as Lorelei looked around, soon there would be more customers heading to the shop.”

Shouldn’t it be “the City’s” here? “the cities social matron“
I am also not sure about the double preposition here: “for on house calls that doubled as tea” Shouldn’t it be just “for”?
Mind, I am not a native speaker and I am ready to learn more :3

In this paragraph you have a lot of sentences following the same structure which can get tedious to read: “The gate was shut and next to it was a gatehouse”

Love how this sounds: the goose is loose =D

Hmmm I wonder if the loose goose will make Lorelei a social pariah so she has to be the mage that spends some time in Haven exile with this newly rich Lord Marlon………..

How do the guards know that the goose is a guy? Shouldn’t they refer to it as… it?

Ok I was pretty close with my guess. Social Pariah and in financial debt!

Ah remember to use the apostrophe here: “people’s gardens”

I feel the ending is rather rushed. I wish we spent more time with Lorelei in jail or just the proceedings to get there. You characterized the postman so much but then skipped out on the crucial scene of how Lorelei gets arrested? And then, how quickly her parents get rid of her (it appears like that to me), is just very convenient. Coupled with the fact that you have a lot of sentences, mostly in a row that go with “Pronoun action object”, I get the feeling you might do some more edits to this eventually =D

*reads some other comments* I kinda got a “the Apothecary’s Diary” vibe from this btw. I didn’t read the manga or watch the anime, just heard ppl talk abt it but I imagine it might be like this =D

Also Snoink has a good point about Lorelei’s inability to control her own familiar. I actually also got the feeling like with how much of a menace that goose has been, it’s kinda surprising that it took until NOW that he made into the garden of Lady Bucharest.

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Snoink
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Snoink wrote a review Review · Mar 5

OH HELLO.

So, some thoughts!

This first chapter is completely different from your first two reiterations of the chapter! It's honestly incredible how different the versions are. The first one had YA fantasy vibes, the second one was an adult romantasy and this one... actually feels more Studio Ghibli to me? Like, Kiki Delivery's Service ("I have to go out into the world!") smashed into Howl's Moving Castle ("I'm in a bad situation and just trying to do my best!") smashed into total goose chaos, though with a setting more akin with a Pathfinders setting.

Anyway... what if you leaned into this more? Like, instead of writing a romantasy, what if you wrote this story to be more of a Ghibli-esque sort of story, complete with a girl who is starting to explore the world. I am not sure how attached you are with the romance idea, but... like. I honestly think that this might be a cool fit. Though like... it would probably make more sense to age down Lorelei if that happened. Though, honestly? She seems younger anyway so this probably would actually work better for you anyway...

Hmmm... because I know you would ask, "How does she feel younger?" Here are my reasons...

1) She reeeeeally doesn't know how to control Honkers. Like, wouldn't an adult who raised this goose from an egg know how to control her familiar better? This reminds me more of some of my disastrous "I was a young teenager trying to train Penelope and SOMETIMES it didn't end well" sort of thing. Like, a little bit of goose mayhem is understandable. But, losing control of your goose to the extent where you're imprisoned for ten hours and then you calmly accept banishment from the only home you ever had because you deserved it? That's just... the ridiculous situation you might expect from a young person.

2) She accepts blindly what the adults in her life tell her. Like, she gets imprisoned? Okay. Then she just accepts banishment from her parents to a place of ill repute to a lord that she's never met... because? This feels really young to me. When you're a young teenager in a lot of trouble, you might submit to the adults. But in your twenties? Heck no. We weren't even that rebellious as young adults, but we still fought back on things we felt were important... like where we wanted to apply to college and which major we wanted to apply to and so on. This is Lorelei's age! Given that her parents are essentially sending her off to some unknown lord's manor for a finder's fee to some backwater place, I think there would be a LOT more protestations and just... simmering resentment. And she would definitely fight more, beyond just a couple of tears. SO. If you DON'T want to go this route... make her younger. It'll be better!

3) She doesn't... really look at the men with any curiosity or judgment? Danny has an athletic build. Does this mean she's... attracted to him? Or is he off limits for another reason? Lorelei is in her twenties and he is in his thirties, which isn't really too weird of an age gap. So the fact that she just kind of looks at him blandly is weird. And the captain! A man with uniform... even if she was distrustful of authorities, men with uniforms? That's a weakness, as you already know from Pride and Prejudice. So like, a twenty-something woman might be like, "Whelp. I'm imprisoned and this kind of sucks, BUT AT LEAST HE'S HOT." Or, if he wasn't hot, then she might think, "Oh darn... I'm going to be imprisoned and the guard isn't even hot." Whereas a young teenage girl? She would be like, "Oh, snap, my parents are going to KILL ME." Which is what Lorelei does!

So YEAH. Lorelei feels really young to me! If this is the story you're interested in telling, I would age her down and go for it! Then just really embrace the Studio Ghibli feeling of this because it TOTALLY feels like that.

(I would probably age down Marlon too, if you want a little romance, so that any romance that occurs with them would be an innocent thing... and that would also make it make more sense because maybe Marlon is just doing his best and try to establish himself as a lord BUT ALSO he's young and a sitting target and he knows it. So like... it would make everything make sense. And because they're younger, the romance can be sweet instead of steamy... THIS COULD WORK!!!)

My other recommendation... right now, Honkers feels more like a pet and less of a familiar. Remember how awesome it was how Lyra had her Daemon and Kiki had her cat and they could communicate with them? That might be kind of fun... especially since Honkers is kind of a fun character. (Though you know me and talking waterfowl creatures, lol... they're my weakness.)

I *do* agree with @silk on a bunch of things... the arrest thing sounds like one of the more interesting things that happens, so I would totally expand on that because yes, goose chaos is fun, but Lorelei is more of in a reactive position for that. BUT BEING ARRESTED??? Suddenly she's an active character! So I would totally go for that! Also, more interiority would be so fun... Lorelei is nice, but I want to see her thoughts and how she like sizes up Danny for the bet and whatnot and getting access to interior thoughts would be amazing.

Anyway, you know where you can talk with me! Best of luck! :)

Griffinkeeper replied · Mar 6

Hey Snoink! Thanks for the review!

The problem with making Lorelei younger is that I need her to be able to handle professional activities. Learning magic takes years of training, the real world analog would be getting a college degree. She is still a bit naive in certain respects, but she can't be a teenager like Kiki, Sophie would be a closer fit in terms of age.

I didn't specify an age for Lorelei in this chapter, I will revise it so that she is 25 years old. I will also modify the exchanges between Lorelei and her mother to reflect a less overbearing nature.

It isn't crazy to think that Danny would be attractive to Lorelei, so I think I will develop that line of inquiry briefly. There isn't any time for something to happen between them in this story, but when you look back at life there are often moments where you had a chance to make a different choice. Having Danny there when Lorelei looks back might be a good way of referencing those moments.

The idea of Honkers talking is an interesting suggestion, but if I implement that, it will probably be in later chapters as Lorelei grows more powerful. One thing I will do is include more dialogue between Lorelei and Honkers. Once Lorelei ensures that Honkers is alive, she will probably start scolding him, which should give her more of that maternal energy Lorelei is missing.

One of the things that I will spend time on in the next draft is the importance of family in this society. It is feudal in nature, with powerful noble families running large areas. One of the reasons Lorelei doesn't fight her arrest is because doing so is futile: the crime isn't just that damage was done, but who it was done to. House Bluchard has to come down harshly in order to underscore that you don't mess with the hierarchy. Lorelei could argue until she was blue in the face (what I don't know, she's clearly guilty of some form of negligence) and then Lady Bluchard would say "Arrest her" and he would take her away.

That said, I don't have too much room to expand: my budget for the chapter is 3000 words and I've used 2943 of them in this revision. Should I be aiming for a higher word count budget per chapter, or stick with the 3000 word limit?

Snoink replied · Mar 6

I'm not sure what you mean by word count budget honestly? My (heavily revised/polished) chapters are generally about 4k long, but I've stretched it longer if I feel like I need it. (One of the chapters I have posted on YWS is about 5.5k long... though it's an important one and I'd argue it earns its weight, lol.) For Soul Watchers, which is A LOT rougher, the one chapter you read was about 6k. With first drafts, I think my goal is to just write things down and make sure something interesting happens and that the character makes an active choice to do something interesting. I try not to worry about words count too much. ^^

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silk
Review
silk wrote a review Review · Mar 4

Fittingly, the thing I enjoyed most about this was Lorelei herself. She comes across as competent & slightly mischievous, which makes her engaging to follow. The many small details help characterize her without heavy exposition.

That said, her internal perspective could be deepened. The story currently prioritizes external action & dialogue, but I think fellow readers would benefit from more insight into her thought processes & emotional reactions, especially when it goes beyond silly geese & light-hearted fantasy. For instance, when she realizes Honkers has entered Lady Bluchard’s estate, that moment could be expanded to emphasize dread and the social hierarchy she’s about to collide with.

Lorelei had once been invited to attend one of these parties as part of a chamber of commerce function, but she had gotten sick the day of the party and there hadn’t been an opportunity to attend one since. She worried now about meeting Lady Bluchard under the present circumstances.


Like, I felt this idea could be developed to shape more of both Lorelai's & Lady Bluchard's internal characters. Wouldn't such a posh, affluent woman that demands respect think negatively of canceling plans so suddenly? Thinking in terms of those 'elite' folks, it seems unlikely Bluchard would simply see her again randomly with no issues or grudge. I suppose the fiasco with Honkers could be an issue, though I wish we got more of a look into who Bluchard is during these scenes too. You may want to strengthen her antagonistic presence early.

This brings me into: a major structural point I saw was the plausibility of the punishment & the speed of the consequences. The greenhouse destruction scene is chaotic & entertaining, but the resulting penalty of three thousand gold pieces & effective exile arrives extremely quickly. I felt the magnitude of the punishment was disproportionate to the event, specifically since the incident seems accidental. Perhaps Lady Bluchard has long despised the goose, perhaps the orchids are culturally priceless, or perhaps mages are held to unusually strict standards? Without additional justification, the punishment feels narratively convenient because it pushes Lorelei toward Haven, which aligns with everything else perfectly.

I dig Honkers though! Particularly in this scene:

“What have you done?” Lorelei whispered as she tried to soothe Honkers by rocking him back and forth amid fallen orchid petals and broken glass.


A goose familiar is a standout creative choice! Using a goose instead of a more conventional fantasy familiar (cat, raven, owl, etc.) immediately sets the story apart & adds a lot of humor into the narrative. I thought that Honkers’ mischievous behavior was perfect to set up more personality for the world & to establish Lorelei’s life as somewhat chaotic.

Overall, this was a blast to read! I really enjoyed the how the early scenes lean comedic, while the later consequences are extremely severe for our duo. I can't wait to hopefully follow their story some more! :D

~ Charley

Griffinkeeper replied · Mar 4

Hey Silk! Thanks for the review, it yielded some really good feedback.

Like, I felt this idea could be developed to shape more of both Lorelai's & Lady Bluchard's internal characters. Wouldn't such a posh, affluent woman that demands respect think negatively of canceling plans so suddenly? Thinking in terms of those 'elite' folks, it seems unlikely Bluchard would simply see her again randomly with no issues or grudge. I suppose the fiasco with Honkers could be an issue, though I wish we got more of a look into who Bluchard is during these scenes too. You may want to strengthen her antagonistic presence early.


I will update the story to give additional context behind the party. In the update, I will emphasize that Lorelei wasn't invited to a private dinner party, but as part of a larger social gathering that included all the merchants of Stonybrook and their families. With a couple hundred invited guests, Lorelei's absence from the party would be unlikely to be noticed. Lorelei's family are prominent merchants, but are not on intimate terms with her ladyship.

That said, her internal perspective could be deepened. The story currently prioritizes external action & dialogue, but I think fellow readers would benefit from more insight into her thought processes & emotional reactions, especially when it goes beyond silly geese & light-hearted fantasy. For instance, when she realizes Honkers has entered Lady Bluchard%u2019s estate, that moment could be expanded to emphasize dread and the social hierarchy she%u2019s about to collide with.


I do intend to give Lorelei deeper moments of introspection, but purposely avoided it during the pursuit of Honkers. It wouldn't make sense for Lorelei to be reflecting deeply during the pursuit and if she did, it would distract from the pursuit, which was not desirable.

This brings me into: a major structural point I saw was the plausibility of the punishment & the speed of the consequences. The greenhouse destruction scene is chaotic & entertaining, but the resulting penalty of three thousand gold pieces & effective exile arrives extremely quickly. I felt the magnitude of the punishment was disproportionate to the event, specifically since the incident seems accidental. Perhaps Lady Bluchard has long despised the goose, perhaps the orchids are culturally priceless, or perhaps mages are held to unusually strict standards? Without additional justification, the punishment feels narratively convenient because it pushes Lorelei toward Haven, which aligns with everything else perfectly.


I will update the description to increase the scale of the damages so that 3000 GP seems proportional. Bear in mind that Honkers is a serial offender, so he doesn't enjoy the benefit of the doubt. The varieties of orchids in Lady Bluchard's greenhouse are rarer varieties, which I priced at 100 GP per plant. In the next pass, I will have pot after pot of overturned orchids that were broken by a goose running down an aisle with his wings out in an attack posture.

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ToastK
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ToastK wrote a review Review · Mar 3

Hi Griffin! What an interesting start to a new story that you've posted. In a long while at that!
As promised, here is my review.

For the Story
Okay, this is very fantasy, but in a good way. It reads quick, and while there were some spots where it was hard to understand (like, I had to read "Black Family Magic Shop" three times before getting it right and realizing what it was) the gist of it right away, I think that's more of an early draft thing, and the bones of this story are quite sturdy.

Being completely honest, I love your style of narrative, and you did a good job mixing dialogue with text to make the scenes flow by nicely without too much rambling on, or info dump.

Overall, not much to say so here are some of my reactions I guess:

“Do you see Honkers?” Lorelei replied.

Uh oh, this is very untitled goose coded and I am here for it.

Instead of a response from Honkers, there was the sound of shattered glass and the sound of people shouting.

Okay, no joke, this is the first I've actually laughed out loud at a piece of writing (that isn't jackbox or any writing game) in a while, and I think a first in YWS. So... congrats I guess? Idk, I am very weak to unexpected humor (what are they called?? like... y'know, the juxtaposition of these two things themselves are funny enough to make me laugh)

“Please come with me,” he said softly.

Ten hours later, Lorelei was alone in a jail cell with Honkers.

Again, the juxtaposition. my thoughts were wait, no way they're letting her go that easi- ohp, nevermind

“For people that want to lay low and get a fresh start. Which is exactly the circumstances you and Honkers find yourself in,”

I knew that there was gonna be a plot device used to make her go to Havens as soon as she read that letter about needing a mage, and I would like to say that--while predictable, you did a good job illustrating this whole start in an entertaining manner. Sometimes, simple is better. Cliches exist for a reason.

Itty Bitty Nitty Pickies
Okay, while I don't normally go over grammar too heavily, I can see a tendency in you to overuse commas, even in situations where they'd be grammatically wrong.

By her feet, in a box with a blanket, lay her familiar, -> By her feet, in a box with a blanket, lied her familiar,
The rest of the sentence is past tense + lay as a verb only works if the noun (goose) is plural (geese).

He was in this late thirties, ->He was in his late thirties,

Simple typo, really anyone can make it, so not much to add.

, including the same black hair and physical traits.

Oh, this sentence I felt like was a bit incomplete. Is it because there's anything grammatically wrong? Not really. it's more that I wish that this was expanded upon, as that would add a lot more depth and rhythm to the story. Rhythm is something that people forget about, but it applies to novels as equally as it does to poems.

Lorelei looked around, soon there would be more customers heading to the shop -> Lorelei looked around. Soon, there would be more customers heading to the shop

Run on sentence. Don't be afraid to use periods. Short sentences are not bad, and in certain ways, they make it easier to read. Plus; rhythm!

She was the cities social matron -> She was the city's social matron


The scene that greeted her was utter pandemonium. Honkers was cornered by two bloodied men in overalls, Lady Bluchard’s gardeners. Trellises were broken, plants hung limply from snapped shoots, and the smell of foul chemicals came from where clay pots had smashed into the ground and mixed with the shattered glass panes.

Okay, I had this scene quoted because while it is good, and I loved the way you described it, I just wished there was a little more. Utter pandemonium is such a strong descriptor, and while you did the bare minimum for it to become so, it was the bare minimum. Instead of "two bloodied men", "two men drenched in blood, draped over with overalls". Instead of "clay pots had smashed into the ground", "pots of clay dismantled into pieces messily scattered over the ground."
Are these better? No, I wouldn't say so, since at the end of the day, the person writing has the story clearest in their mind. However, as a reader, I think that adding more emphasis and color into scenes like these (which are supposed to be messy and chaotic and "utter pandemonium") can draw me in further and make for a more fluent reading.

Lorelei waited, this wouldn’t be good. -> Lorelei waited. This wouldn’t be good.
Again, run on sentence. Don't be afraid to use periods.

Overall, while it looks like a lot, most of these are grammar errors and I feel that just a quick run through with any spell check will help with that.

All in All
Like I said previously, this story has strong bones! While not a lot has happened yet, you were able to draw the reader in with a cliche yet well told story with a fun twist!

Happy Writing!

Griffinkeeper replied · Mar 3

Thank you for your feedback! My plan is to incorporate your feedback into pass three, along with other feedback.

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Docksidexd Comment
Docksidexd commented Comment · Mar 2

Hm, I may have only read the first few parts but so far i kind of like it, ngl. The writing makes sense, idk what the plot is yet the story still interests me, and I absolutely love Honkers xd I’ll give it a solid 6/10; i probably just should have been patient and kept reading, so that review isn’t the most accurate. Anyways, I still really encourage you to keep writing, it was pretty good nonetheless!- Docksidexd

Griffinkeeper replied · Mar 2

Thank you! I hope you will finish reading it and leave a review. It would help me a lot!



It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr