Published September 20, 2009
This is a homework assignment. We had to write a descriptive writing piece without a plot about a postcard that we were given. Here's mine, it is due tomorrow. Thanks.
Sorry it's so short.
***
Resounding Beauty
The trees bow and dance, shedding their summer coat. One leaf, blood red, slowly drifts over to an old mill house where a girl rests lazily on the steps.
She looks up, and swiftly plucks the leaf from the air. Rubbing it in her fingertips, she relishes in the bitter sweet smell. Sighing, she stands, placing her hand on the damp and moldy railing.
The old floorboards creak under her slight weight as she hops off of the porch. Her eyes flicker around; taking in the scene around her. The breeze sings to her from above, and she laughs, her voice ringing in harmony with the song. The creek, the heart of the mill, adds its rumbling hum to the tune.
Still laughing, she darts along the rocky ground to the small stream. She breathes in deeply letting the bitter autumn air fill her lungs. . She exhales, as the wind whips her hair around her face.
Her feet move in an enchanting rhythm as she follows the stream to where it empties its self into a small lake, where the water gently laps at an old dead stump. Rotting, it feeds the smaller ones in this world in a never ending cycle. A corpse of a thing, this stump is a small taste of the beauty that once was.
And still is.
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141,610 Literary Works • 675,143 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh this is a lovely start here. Certainly creates a nice little picture right away so for a bit of writing meant only to be some description, this is a really neat little start. Its not quite that vivid at the moment, but I think what you have here does establish a solid sense of the general atmosphere and feel of this place which is great.
I love that you are very much tapping into all of the sense here as we go about this. It lets this whole thing come to life a lot more powerfully than it otherwise would. That sort of immersive experience coupled with this person in the midst of it all giving it more of a flow than just a still scene really makes for a beautiful description here.
That's quite an intriguing location to chose as an end point there. There's a very interesting sense of power in how you it seems to end with a seemingly dead thing compared to a far more lively surrounding before you then bring it all back with showcasing how even that still has life and beauty to it. All in all, it makes for quite the read I think. As far as descriptions go, this is pretty great.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, I'll give you nitpicks, since if this is due tomorrow you probably aren't going to have time to rewrite major parts of it. Quick review, then.
This would work better as "she relishes its bittersweet smell". And yes, "bittersweet" is one word.
You should scratch the "of".
That's an awkward phrase. How about this? Her eyes flit around. It's better, since "flicker around" isn't grammatically correct, but you can choose another synonym if you like.
There should be a comma after "deeply", IMO, and you've already used "bitter". In a piece as short as this, you can't afford to repeat words.
Either cut the comma, or replace the "as" with an "and".
But the stream doesn't really empty itself in there, because otherwise it'd be dry. Just use "flows". If you don't do that, at least change "its self" to "itself", which is the correct spelling.
Okay, that's it for nitpicks.
As a description, this isn't bad, but it's a bit boring. Even in description, some conflict can be introduced. You hint at it in the description of a "blood red" leaf, which I like, but there can be more phrases like that. Description can suggest a storyline, and beauty is a great topic to expand on.
It's not bad, and you've created the atmosphere you were going for really well, but I don't think you made the most of it. However, it might help to see the postcard you were describing. Unless, of course, your teacher won't see that, in which case it would be better to leave it.
Anyway, hope this helped.
- Jet.
Poem, This is good. I can imagine the fall scenery but I don't know what the girl looks like or the mill house, not really. It would make it longer if you described them also, instead of just the scenery. Also: ". . She exhales, as the wind whips her hair around her face." There are two periods before she, there should be only one.
~peanut~