Derek could feel himself getting stronger as his mouth filled with the delicious taste of blood from the weak teenage girl he had led to the alley behind a night club. He had won her over with a few sweet words and caring gestures. Her eyes had widened with surprise and pain when he had sunk his teeth into her neck. Derek could see the life being sucked out of her, but he couldn’t bring himself to retract his fangs.
Soon the girl’s body went limp and she breathed her last breath of pain. After covering the girl’s body, Derek made his way out of the alley as peaceful as ever. As he walked the streets of beautiful Paris he realized how much he would miss it, its gorgeous architectural structures and carefree people.
“You really shouldn’t be so messy.”Derek spun around; shocked he hadn’t heard someone approach him.
“And you really shouldn’t get in my business.” Derek replied teasingly
.
“Whoa, no need for the hostility my sloppy brother. You just finished sucking the life out of a poor girl, why so anger?” Jonah replied with a smirk on his face.
“What do you want Jonah?”
“Well first, wipe the blood from your mouth, its bothering me, and secondly it’s time to go.”
Derek used the sleeve of his leather jacket to wipe his mouth clean. “Happy?”
“Very.” Jonah replied, putting his arm around Derek’s neck. “Come on.”
“You know something; I’m going to miss France.”
“The city or the blood?”
“Both.”
“Yea me too, but we’ll get over it.”
They both walked the bustling streets of Paris together without saying a word. The night was quiet and fresh, perfect weather. The wide streets were filled with people ready to head to the many night clubs and restaurants that made up the city.
Walking up the stone driveway of their French-style Victorian home they were greeted by Claire McBride, their five feet six inches tall mother with a slender figure. With her pale skin and high priced clothes she looked like a woman set for a New York City runway.
“You guys are late.” She said impatiently putting her hands on her hips.
“Yea.” Derek and Jonah replied simultaneously.
Claire walked back toward the house, Derek and Jonah in tow, thinking how little her children respected her. They all walked into the grand foyer and made their way toward the family room. They all took their seats quietly at the long Brazilian Walnut wood table on one side of the room. At the head of the table was Alexander McBride. He to seem to be someone fit for a life of glamour, but instead he dedicated his time to his family. To his left was Henrietta, only daughter in the McBride family. With her headphones in her ears she was anything but paying attention to what was going on around her. She drummed gently on the table to the beat vibrating into her ears, mouthing the words to the song.
“Now that we’re all here” Alexander began, giving Jonah and Derek a frustrated look. “We can start. I think we all understand and hopefully except the fact that we’ll be leaving Paris tomorrow.” He glanced around the table trying to read everyone’s expressions, aggravated looks from Jonah and Derek and an understanding look from his wife.
He cleared his throat. “Henrietta.” His voice boomed in the elaborately decorated room.
“Calm down.” Henrietta replied. “I’m listening to you, but if you must insist I’ll put it away."
“Thank you. Now like I was saying, we’re not going to be coming back to Paris, Los Angles will be our new home. I would like to put that on the table because I know you kids, and you’ll do anything to get back to where you guys are comfortable. But it isn’t going to happen so don’t think about smoothing us over so we can come back. We won’t put up
with it.” Alexander’s voice was stern as he spoke his last words.
“We get it. We’re leaving, that’s it. Now can we get this over with?” Jonah said pushing his chair back so he could leave the room. In a flash Alexander was behind him, sliding the chair back toward the table.
“Sit. We’re not done here. There’s one more thing that your mother and I need to tell you guys.”
“What?” Henrietta asked her voice full of caution and curiosity.
“You guys will have to attend school.” Claire’s musical voice answered back.
“No. It’s not happening.” Derek retorted his face full with annoyance.
“It’s not a decision. You guys can slide not going to school here in Paris, but it won’t work in the States. You all look like high school students so you will be attending high school.” Alexander added firmly.
“But mom we can’t – no, mom?” Henrietta’s voice was desperate as she tried to find a solution to their problem. She prayed this was all a sick joke.
Her mother’s only response was a nod. After several minutes of angry silence Claire couldn’t stand seeing her children so mad. Never had she seen them like this and it hurt her to the core because at the end of the day vampire or not she was a mother and she wanted to see her children happy.
“Oh come on guys, it won’t be too bad. You guys will make friends and live average teenage lives. You’ll have a blast. Henrietta we live right near the beach.” She turned to Jonah and Derek “And I’m sure that you guys will meet nice kids in high school.”
Derek flashed his mother his fangs. “Oh, I hope so.”
In unison Jonah and Henrietta stood up with Derek and stalked out of the room leaving their parents to think of the amazing move to Los Angles.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
The adverbs I highlighted in red was to show you overuse of them. Think about your story as something sitting on the bottom of a shallow lake. If the water is crystal clear (no adjectives or adverbs), it's a sign that there's no life (which could be what you're going for). Too many adjectives and adverbs and the water gets dark and murky. Readers have to cut through to get to the real picture. Good writing is a balance. The lake isn't crystal clear but it's not so filled up with flotsam and getsam that you can't see anything else
Writing about vampires, its hard to not fall into clichés and this has a few. The rich, nonchalant vampires has been overdone, so really focus on what makes your vampires unique?
You speak of this move, but I don't think you describe why they have to move? Has the kids done something wrong?
Good, clean writing here, and if you answer some of the questions I proposed than you should be able to flesh this out more.
Best of luck with this!
I like this, it's got a bit of a Vampire Diaries feel to it but with a twist. The only thing I'd suggest is to work on some of your dialogue especially Alexander's - most of the time his dialogue didn't flow.
Other than that, good job! I'm looking forward to see where you take this
*coco