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Over 13: Stupid Cat!

by ima_zombie


Note: This story may contain inappropiate language for children under the age of 13. Parental supervision is suggested! - Nate

This story is an assignment. it was given to me by my teacher. I made it so it would sound like Holden from Catcher in the Rye. Enjoy.

"Goddam Cat!"

This is about what really happened when that goddam cat in the hat that came to my house. That madman Seuss got it all wrong. He was a real crumby writer. His books killed me though, I mean it. Those books always make me laugh because I start to think about all the drugs he must have done.

It was a real lousy day. It was raining a whole lot. It must have been raining for a whole week. I didn’t feel like doing anything, with the rain and all. My sister and I just sat there doing nothing.

I felt like a madman just sitting there watching the rain. It kills me when people think they have to clean or play board games on rainy days. They’re real phonies. I remember this one day my mom kept trying to get me to read some goddam book. The book was called Watership Down; it was about of rabbits or something. What kind of madman would take the time to write a book about some goddam rabbits?

Anyways, we heard a bump which gave us a jump. Great, now I’m rhyming like that goddam bastard Dr. Seuss. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he was a nice guy and all, but he got the stories all wrong. Anyways, this big phony came in through the door, a real phony kind of cat. He had a big hug goddam hat on; it must have reached the ceiling. I hate it when someone just barges into the house. It pisses me off, some real crumby guy just coming in like that! I really would like to punch that cat, goddam I rhymed again.

The cat said, “I have plenty of games to play on this day!”

I would have said something back, but I didn’t feel like it.

So, that goddam cat just picked up our fish bowl and started balancing it. I really would have like him to drop the stupid fish, thing been so much trouble, and a goody two shoes, I mean it. I remember one time, I spilt a bunch juice on the floor and instead of cleaning it to I just pushed a chair over, but that goddam fish pointed it out to my mother. Boy, did I hate that fish! Anyways, that cat started balancing all sorts of stuff on him. Things like a plate, a book, and tea cup. He also balanced himself on a ball. Then he started balancing more stuff. This cat rhymed too, like that madman Seuss. That killed me, I mean, what kinds of drugs is he on?

Then that stupid goddam crazy cat fell! The cake flew across the room onto the wall; the fish fell in the cat’s pot! Yeah, that’s right, that damn fish didn’t fall into a pot, and he fell into the cat’s marijuana! So the fish actually died, he didn’t survive.

The last thing the fish said was, “I do not like this!” I’m guessing the fish meant the huge mess of cake, books, boats, water, and broken glass and not the fact that he was dying in a baggy of pot. That killed me; the fish had the biggest case of OCD I had ever known of. Boy, if that fish had survived long enough, I’m sure he would have made a suit that would allow him to come out that goddam bowl and clean up that goddam mess.

This cat was real lousy! He made a huge mess and then all he did was make more trouble! He let two little midgets into the house! He said, “Oh, they’re tame, perfectly tame!”

That goddam cat lied! Those two little crumby midgets! They didn’t even do anything, except call us jerks and make a huge mess. They broke the lamps, the couch, and the china. Boy, I would have liked to put them in the oven, I mean it. I couldn’t though because they broke it. They called a worse names too, names like, “bleepholes!” and “Jackbleeps!!”

I was beginning to feel like a madman! Then we saw our mom pull up in front of the house! Boy, did that kill me, my mom always seems to show up at the wrong time. It’s as if she had a 6th sense that allowed her to know these things. One time, she caught me attempting to the scale that goddam goldfish with a butter knife. Lucky for the fish, if my mother hadn’t shown up he would have gotten it.

Anyways, when that cat saw my mother coming he ran out the door like he had been prodded with a cattle prod. He didn’t come back with some high-tech cleaning machine, like in the story that madman Seuss came up with, either. He just left the mess to my sister and I. So, we swept and wiped so fast our wrist’s broke!

When my mom came in she seemed happy that nothing was wrong. Well, except for that goddam dead fish on the floor, the cat had taken his pot. I really would like to find that cat and punch him right in the eye, I really would. He was real crumby.

Well, that’s what really happened that day that goddam cat came into my house. My sister though, she loved that goddam cat! Probably because of his stupid red and white striped hat. She always liked stupid stuff like that. She kills me, whenever she sees some stupid hat or tie or shoe she just has to have it.

Anyways, I’m going to stop talking now because I feel like it.


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Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:37 pm
writewannabe wrote a review...



OKAY this is a submission that was done in 2004. I wonder if you are still around to read reviews. This was very good and well-wriitten. Not to mention that it was funny. It reminded me of a story about the Three Little Pigs that told the Wolf's Side of the story. Of course it was written by A. Wolf.




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Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:40 pm
ima_zombie says...



Yeah, I know. my punctuation sucks, which is why i get about 5 people to proofread my writings usually. :shock: :x




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Tue Nov 30, 2004 4:23 am
Nate wrote a review...



Lol, good job. Definitely humorous with real style! Not sure if "crumby" is spelled correctly though; I think it's crummy or something like that, but I'm not sure. Also, be careful of your appositives! Certain times when a comma should have been a period.

Anyways, thanks for finally posting! Now what you need to do is review other people's stuff, stop over at The Lounge, and slowly get sucked in.

Great story though. I think I've read it before, or it sounded familiar at least, and I really did laugh out loud at certain points.





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