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A distant love

by iframukadam2006


A love where I can’t be with you

It is hard

Trying to survive a moment without you

It feels impossible to stay without you

I love you so much

That even a bit of distance from you

Makes me go crazy alone

My love for you is infinite

A day without you is like living a life after dying

Forget about months without you

I may die but not let our love die

I love you so immensely that…

There isn’t one day when you aren’t in my mind

24hrs sitting on my phone to get your messages

Don’t wanna leave you on read

Don’t wanna make you feel ignored

The rest of the world let them feel what they want

But I love you and you are what matters to me

I don’t mind if I go away

As long as you are there

Even if I cant be with you

At least you are in my heart

No matter our distance

I still love you a lot

Every moment of my life

I will hope to stand by your side

A distant love that will always be true

A love story that will never be able to be compared

Our love story….

A distant love


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Thu Sep 24, 2020 11:39 pm
arikf13101 says...



This poem is very relatable, it reminds me of my love and life, and it tells me that no matter the distance, love is whatever you make of it. Yes, this could use some improvement, like a little cleanup on the words (basically I'm saying make it more noticeable about what exactly it is about.) Overall, this is a really good form of poetry! Thank you for writing it!




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Fri Sep 18, 2020 6:12 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there, here to write a brief review for your poem! (Also welcome to YWS, hope you are enjoying the site so far!!)

So this poem had a ton of heart in it, and definitely expresses feelings that I think a lot of readers can relate to.

Some Suggestions for Improvement

* The poem's progression could use some clarity
At the moment the poem kind of expresses details about sadness, but they seem a bit random and aren't tied to a story or action of the narrator but just a list of feelings and thoughts, I think working in maybe some sort of imagery or metaphor throughout, and making the reasons sort of build on each other would make the poem more impactful. The poem also feels a bit long because it doesn't really go anywhere different than what is already expressed in the first couple lines. Adding more of a building up / culminating of ideas would help the poem not feel quite as wordy and random.

* Cleaning up the form would make the poem feel more polished
I think breaking your poem into stanzas based on thematic moments is going to help with clarity too. And another thing you can do to polish up the format of the poem a little more is to take a second look at line breaks and see if you can make them a bit more even. It seemed like at the most part they broke at natural places but some of the lines were super short and some quite long which makes the poem feel a bit less polished and also sacrifices flow.

* Adding specificity will increase the impact and ability for reader connection
At the moment you have some great moments of specificity about the speaker's emotions regarding leaving the partner without a cell-response, and this is a great way to take the poem from "generically sad" to "relatably emotional" because we can understand the motivation / scenarios a bit better. So you already are doing some good things in terms of specificity. One area where I'd like a bit more detail is in why the speaker likes their partner or any concrete detail about them. This will make the poem seem more real too and not about "love in theory" but "love in reality". I've written an article on YWS that gives more tips about adding specificity to poetry and why it's helpful if you want more information! Specificity in Poetry

* And lastly, some of the lines feel a bit "over-the-top" or hyperbolic, where the speaker is almost obsessed with their partner:

A day without you is like living a life after dying

Forget about months without you

I may die but not let our love die


^This specifically seemed like a sort of unhealthy level of attachment, which is maybe what you wanted to portray, but came across to me as a bit fake or immature for the speaker to be quite so over the top. I think it'd be more impactful if you softened some of those really stark over-the-top depictions of their love.

Okay those were the main areas I saw for potential for improvement, but you also had a lot of great areas of strengths in this piece too I'd like to highlight a few I saw!

Poem Strengths

One of the things I most appreciated was the many different layered aspects of emotions that come with a distanced relationship from guilt, confusion, longing, sadness - and I think that made the poem feel more complex, that you did touch on some of those negatives and different aspects of the speaker has.

Also as I said in the critique section I love that you're already moving towards specificity in this, like with the phone interaction, because that makes the poem come across as more "real" to the reader - adding those little imagery and concrete portions really make a piece come alive.

Overall

This poem seemed to be an expression of the speaker's very deep commitment to the person they love even though they're at a distance and an expression of the difficulty that comes about not being able to be together. With the progression of the poem the speaker almost seemed obsessed by the end, but very resolute on their feelings.

It's a nice first poem for the site, I hope to read more of your poetry in the future.

Hope this was helpful, please feel free to let me know if you have any questions about the review!

Keep on writing!

alliyah




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:51 pm
RavenLord wrote a review...



Hi, iframukadam2006! I'm RavenLord, and I'm here to welcome you to YWS and give you a review on your first poem!
I don't often review love poems, but I've always been intrigued by long-distance relationships and the toll they take on people in them. Seems like in this day and age, a lot of relationships are simply distant because people can't get around this virus! I love how socially relevant this poem is because of that. This was a lovely testament to two people apart from each other.

That being said, I do have a few critiques. I'll start with a nitpick: Though this is a love poem, it's almost unnatural to have the word "love" repeated as much as it is. It's repeated 10 times, which may not seem like a lot with the amount of lines you have, but for a reader it gives the poem a feeling of redundancy, which is so sad considering the sincerity of the entire piece.

This leads me to my next critique: A lot of the poem is spent telling the subject about the speaker's love for them. I've stressed this with other poets I've reviewed, and I'll do it again: Poetry is often about telling a story or expressing emotion through imagery and figurative language. Being literal can often harm a poem. If you were to find some images, metaphors, or personification that speak to you and convey a sense of love, that could help reduce the amount of "love"s found in the poem as well give the reader something juicier to look at!

My final critique is that you tend to repeat things already stated in the poem. I understand that this poem is based entirely on not wanting to be apart from your lover, but it feels like I'm reading the same thing over and over. This poem could easily be shortened or altered so there's less repetitive content in it. Again, the "show, don't tell" suggestion could help a lot with this.

Those are all my critiques for ya! I hope they helped. This poem definitely has potential to become great, and I hope I can read more of your poetry! Happy RevMo, happy writing, and welcome to YWS!!

Best wishes,
RavenLord

P.S. If you have anything else you'd like me to review, hit me up in Raven's Review Roost!



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heya ravenlord
first off thank you for a review like this
second i do agree that i have repeated the word "love" alot of times
the love poems aren't something i am that great at but it was a request hence i made it and it turned better then i expected
i will be sure to add the improvements you have given the critiques on



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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:20 pm
Magebird wrote a review...



Hi there, iframukadam2006! I saw you just joined the site today, so welcome to YWS. @UsonaNaciisto already beat me to leaving you your first YWS review, but hopefully this second one will be just as good as theirs! :)

I haven't ever been in a long distance relationship before, but I still found this poem to be deeply relatable. Long distance relationships of any kind are always difficult for the reason you described here: you love the other person so much you desperately want to be with them, even if there's no way for that to be physically possible.

My favorite line has to be this one right here:

A day without you is like living a life after dying


All of the other lines do an amazing job expressing the speaker's love for their lover, but this line in particular really drives the point home. It's a creative way to express just how hard it is to be without that person without actually saying that they're missing them. Basically, it's the idea of showing vs. telling. Your poem is mostly showing, but there's some parts where the speaker outright tells their audience how much they love them:

I love you so much


My love for you is infinite


I still love you a lot


That's actually my segue into the next part of this review: my critique. You did an awesome job showing the reader how much the speaker is longing for their lover, so lines like the ones I quoted aren't really needed. Even if you removed them, the reader would still be able to see just how strongly the speaker loves their distant lover.

My second critique is really more of a nitpick than anything else, but you might want to change the formatting by adding more stanzas to the poem. As it is right now, your poem is one giant stanza - which isn't necessarily a bad thing! Using multiple stanzas just has the added bonus of theoretically being easier for your readers to read. Think of stanzas like little snapshots of a much bigger scene. You could take a photo of the entire scene to get the big picture, but you can also take individual photos to show the parts of the scene in greater detail.

For example, you can break the starting lines into stanzas like this:

A love where I can’t be with you
It is hard
Trying to survive a moment without you
It feels impossible to stay without you

I love you so much
That even a bit of distance from you
Makes me go crazy alone
My love for you is infinite

A day without you is like living a life after dying
Forget about months without you
I may die but not let our love die


(If you want to get rid of the spaces between the lines in the Publishing Center like I did in the quotes, all you have to do is hit shift and enter at the same time. Then you can use the regular enter for the breaks between the stanzas.)

Other than that, I really love this poem! It's a great first work to post onto YWS, and I hope I see more poetry from you in the future.

Let me know if you have any questions about this review or the site in general - I'd be happy to answer them! :)

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thank you so much for making me feel welcomed and i am surely happy to be here and after going through a lot of sites finding this site is a true life changer i am happy i have people to criticize me in both good and bad ways because then i will get to know how to make my poems better



Magebird says...


You're welcome! I'm glad you already love YWS - it was a life changer for me as a writer, too! <3



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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:03 pm
StudentAH wrote a review...



Alrighty!

I can see that there are a lot of mixed feelings in this poem. It almost seems like something is wrong inside the narrator's heart: they love the person so much, but they also feel like they are unworthy of it. The narrator mentions not being there anymore or even dying. Its a morbid poem mixed with the exciting feelings that love can often illicit. In fact, many people's inner sufferings and insecurities come out when they fall in love. To this, I can very much relate, and it almost makes me sad.

I like the idea behind this poem, but it didn't feel structured enough. And believe me, I know how it feels! Often times when I wrote poems when I feel intense feelings, or when I feel new feelings, I don't always concern myself with the format. All that's in my mind is that I'd rather write it all out. But you could definitely re-arrange some things and make this poem more structured. I think it would also be a great chance to self-reflect.

Interestingly enough, I read through this, I I felt like could actually work better in song format (or at least a poem that resembles a song):

24hrs sitting on my phone to get your messages

Don’t wanna leave you on read

Don’t wanna make you feel ignored


The informal language makes this feel more "modern" and relatable... often times poetry uses language reminiscent of Old English or "proper" language.

I liked the wordplay on "a distant love": We can't tell if the narrator feels so distant because the love is unrequited, or if it is literally a long distance relationship -- or both.

Long story short, if poetry is something you want to get serious about, I suggest brushing up and changing the organization/structure of your poem. There were some good poetic lines, but I feel that they could have shined more if they were given the proper spotlight.

Thank you for sharing your poetry with us! <3






I thank you for this review i really didnt think i would be able to get reviews like these but i am glad that you have liked it this was a poem that i wrote as you said with no definite structure but i get what you mean by saying the lines still can shine i hope to show you all more poems and that i am finally satisfied that i got a website with like minded people where i can improve as well



StudentAH says...


Yep, I started that way too. I was surprised at how deep the reviews can get! Peeps will break everything down and explain lots of different parts of the poem. Overtime it helped me a lot.



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Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:34 am
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UsonaNaciisto wrote a review...



I am unsure if this poem is about a long distance relationship in particular. Nonetheless, it is a poem that is relatable to me and thus one that is easy to affect my emotions. As someone who has been involved in countless relationships where distance was a common factor, the way you talk so devotedly about the subject of your love strikes a cord within me. In a good way, of course.

The only thing I have to complain about is a few grammar problems that are easily fixable. The rest is touching and tugs at my heart strings. If I were to offer a smidgen of criticism, though, I must say that there are a few instances of repetition that mess with the flow of the poem a little bit. "Without you" repeating for a few instances is noticeable and personally, I take an issue with it. I recommend that you try to vary your wording just to make things a little more flavorful. Just a suggestion.

All the same, a great piece of work. Excellent job.






thank you so much i hope to fix the places where i stay back at but thanks again for such an review




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