The world has simply turned into crumbled brick and desert wasteland, and yet amidst all of it is Alice.
Most everyone had died within the first hour or two, except for a few lonely souls. The wipeout had been quite sudden, I remember how the wind was so strong it flattened trees to the ground, children and adults alike screamed in agony, they shrieked,
"The world has ended, the world has ended!". A wave of heat came with it, but has been receding for the past few days. Alice, a fair skinned girl with light blonde hair, was left seemingly alone. She dances by the river now, singing softly. I creep closer, only to have Alice run off. She winds her way down the streets, the buildings no longer standing tall as they used to, the familiar bustle of people no longer there to fill the silence. She stops at a curve, looking up at the sky above. For I can imagine when the sky was a light blue, the clouds a wispy white, the sun a dazzling saffron. It's now a space grey, the sun replaced with an ever-black moon, the clouds replaced with menacing ash. Yet somehow, it is still light.
Alice sits on the corner, she knows no one is coming back. Her eyes still twinkle memories of the city, her face almost seems like it's in a different world. Sometimes, she'll wander the streets aimlessly, simply humming her song. Every once and a while, she'll rest on a cement slab, a slab once a step to someone's home, a slab walked on by many, yet now only a slab that lays there only because it can't move. She'll stare into empty space, where the house used to be, and she'll smile. Smile like she can still see a family laughing together as they sit on the couch, or children as they play fight with one another.
We're on the corner of Burnham Street and Main Street now. The City Festival was supposed to be today. The streamers would blast from that large cannon, the city children would spin with their ribbons in the plaza. Many colorful stands would be set up on Main Street, children and adults alike going up to them. Sometimes you would throw a ball and try to hit a target, other times you would answer questions against an opponent. Once I saw a little boy carrying a large teddy bear from the stands. It was almost as large as him, but he did not care, it was the festival. The festival are the time to be carefree. The feeling was light, and happy.
Alice is walking over to the plaza, or where the plaza once was. It's now only dirt and rubble, yet she still sees it like it always was. She begins to spin, the slow breeze hitting her dress. A sight so dark, so dreary, can instantly be changed by one thing. Her feet sink into the soft dirt, her fingers grasping at the air. Alice soon retreats, disappearing into a hidden corner of the city, and I know it is time for me to return to my home.
I return to Alice a few weeks later, she's by the river again. Her dress is scattered with tiny holes, many more than before. Her legs seems to just drag along and she spins, her toes don't glide so effortlessly as they did before. The bones jut out of her arms, and her fingers appear more fragile than before. If I listen closely, I can still hear the soft hum of Alice's voice, as she whispers her song. Her body is simply flopping around now, her movements uncoordinated as her feet and arms always seem one beat behind the rest. I decide to watch her for a while, and settle down on a fallen tree branch. After a bit, her movements slow, I can see the defiance in her face, but she is no match, and I watch as the frail, gentle Alice float to the ground. I quickly flee, this time in fear. For it is getting darker.
Again, I crawl back, more fearful than before. It is almost pitch black now, just enough to make out the colors of everything. I don't stray too far from Alice now, for I am worried that something is wrong. She no longer has soft pink cheeks, they are replaced with a cool, white color. I see the dark blue veins peeking through her hand, her fingers are now stick like and bony.
I see her from a distance. She is no longer dancing along the river bank as she usually does. She lays on the ground motionless, her dress being feasted on by grey moths.
I stand right over her now, placing my hands on her shoulders and shaking her. Her small eyes do not open, her body starkly pale. I spot her fingers shaking, only slightly, and I know.
I watch as her chest trembles, I hear her breaths struggling to escape her mouth, and then all goes black. Now, the world has truly ended.
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Hey there! This is my first review in probably over a year... so we'll see if I can help out!
The hook is just plain sick. I read the first sentence and I knew I was going to read the rest of the story. Nicely done.
I think it would help with the flow of the story if you nixed some of the description that's too repetitive. Here's an exampled: Alice, a fair skinned girl with light blonde hair, was left seemingly alone.
When you say she is a 'fair haired skinny girl' with 'light blonde hair', you're just repeating yourself without adding anything to the image. It's enough just to say that she is 'fair haired'. Try and read through it and clean up anything that doesn't add another level to the scene.
You do an awesome job setting up images, and I can tell you are really imaginative. I like how Alice's death makes the narrator feel like all of the beauty is now gone from the world. I can really feel her despair as she watches Alice die. The only issue I have is I wonder why the narrator doesn't try to help her?
Just something to think about. Anyway, great job! Hopefully my review is slightly helpful. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to shoot me a message. Keep writing!
Thank you for your review. The feedback really helps! And about the narrator not helping her, I actually do not really know. It's the way the story went I suppose, I still haven't quite even figured out who the narrator is. So, I suppose it's up for interpretation! Thanks for reviewing!
Bonjour! I'm the Chirave Canicthus and I'm here to review your work!
So I really like this story. It's sad because the one thing that remained positive in a dystopian wasteland died. Not cool. Well it's actually cool. Nevermind me.
I love your description laid throughout the piece. It really adds to the emotion about this, especially how all the description starts from her happy dancing to her failing state, and then finally how you describe her death. It adds a lot to the story, and I love the imagery it gives my mind.
On another note, I don't get why you used the present tense for the story. It doesn't seem really necessary and kinda disrupts the reading. I'm just so used to seeing a past tense view, and I think that it'll be more useful for this work. I think you're trying to make the story more immediate with the present tense, but it separates me from the story and I can't just get into it. But hey, that's just my thoughts. It just makes the story more distant to me.
And yeah. That's pretty much it. I actually liked this piece far more than it seems, but I simply can't put it into words. I bet that in an hour I'll find a way to articulate it all into proper words, but as for now, that's pretty much all I've got. So I really like this. Again, I like how you made me really sad about Alice and her death.
Keep Writing, Writer Person!
*The Chiravian Flies away*
Thank you ChiravianSkies for reviewing my short story Alice. I'm glad you enjoyed it! One of my other friends mentioned it being in present tense instead of past tense, I'll try writing it in past tense and see how it goes! Thank you so much!
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
I thought this was a really good story, and I enjoyed reading it. You have some excellent descriptions of the world in which this is based, and I thought the ending was brilliant. Overall I liked the kind of gothic-ness to it, and I’d love to read more!
This was one of the best opening lines I’ve seen. You’ve introduced the subject of the story and the setting, all in one sentence that made me want to read on. Great job!
Hmm, this feels like you’re telling rather than showing and it reads a bit awkwardly. Instead of writing her characteristics like this, why not tease the information out slowly? For example, you could mention her light blonde hair swinging in the breeze, the perfect porcelain beauty of her skin.
If I had to give one piece of general advice it would be that you don’t use commas to link up unrelated sentences. For example:
I personally would put a period after “Alice sits on the corner” and split this into two sentences, and do the same in parallel places elsewhere in your story. Onto a couple more nitpicks:
Do you mean “The festival is the time”?
She lies, not she lays. “Lay” is the past tense of “lie.”
I’m very intrigued as to the identity of the narrator, and I’d love to know more about this creepy, desolate world. I got a very strong impression in my mind of a grey world where once there had been colour and sounds, but everything is now in a state of decay. I’d love to read more of your work!
Thank you so much! I don't think I would have noticed some of these little nit-picks, even during reading this over! Thank you for taking the time to read and review Alice.
Hello! I read this story yesterday, but am only reviewing it today! I review paragraph by paragraph, so hang in there!
Intriguing.
Ok, so I don't know if this is just a publication glitch, but the next two paragraphs seem like they should be combined. The comma at the end of "shrieked" makes me think that you mean to say, "They shrieked, 'The world has ended...'" Then, before "Alice, a fair skinned girl..." you could start a new paragraph.
The present-tense is very interesting, and should make things fun to read.
Your imagery is superb. I feel like I'm there. Imagery is very important to me, and you've nailed it.
Awww. Pulling at my heartstings...
Again, wow. The tense paired with the excellent imagery weave a very beautiful setting and make it hard for me to not believe its real!
This part for some reason makes me feel like maybe Alice isn't real... just a thought.
Beautiful.
The last three paragraphs are amazing.
Great story. It really captured what it would be like to have that last bit of hope disappear, which I think is what Alice represents. Hope. Just a thought, not sure what your intentions were.
Loved it.
~Q
Thank you Questio for your time to write the review! I get what you mean with the "they shrieked" thing, I hadn't edited this story yet so I didn't correct it, thanks for bringing it to my attention! What part made you think Alice isn't real? I didn't quite understand that. Anyway, thank you so much for your feedback on the story, I am so glad you enjoyed it.
I just feel like maybe she represents something. Like I said, symbolism. Mainly the part about "she retreats, and I know it's time for me to return" (I'm paraphrasing) seems like she's a figment of the narrator's imagination that they developed to help deal with despair and loneliness and hopelessness and all that comes with the end of the world. She gives them these little mental hints and stuff like leaving when he subconsciously knows he needs to get home.
Maybe I'm reading to far into it. She can still be real and have symbolism. But I personally like to think maybe she's not. Call it a fan theory.
Interesting perspective. Honestly, I haven't quite figured out what the story means to me either! I myself have multiple theories! Thanks Questio for reviewing!
Thanks for writing!
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I really liked this story. It was very creative and well written. Watch your tenses though, you slip up a bit at the beginning. It's a little hard with the way you're writing, talking about what happened (past tense) and then switching to what is happening (Present tense).
You say 'was seemingly alone.' then shortly after state 'she dances'. Although it sounds a bit off, you should say 'is seemingly alone'. She's still alive when this part of the story is being told, so she's still seemingly alone.
The point of view from a hidden person was a very interesting choice but you wrote it very well. I, personally, would struggle with that point of view but you excelled.
Keep up the great work!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you ChocolateCello for your suggestions! I will definitely take them into account. I appreciate all of the feedback!
Good Job! This Short story was really well done. I like the concept of a young girl enjoying the world even after it is all gone. The description of everything makes it easier to see the scene play out in my mind. I really like your take on the apocalypse as well, a heat wave destroying everything, and everything being broken down. I didn't notice any errors, however I am now sad that Alice is dead. But good job!
Thank you, so, so much. I never expected this to be received so well. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow. Just wow. I love envisioning when I read. And wow did my imagination run wild. What caused you to write such a striking short story? You are an awesome writer, and I would love to see more of your work. I don't really have any criticism for you. I was a little confused in the part where you say' ".......othertimes you would answer questions against an opponent." what questions? What game? Maybe you could make that a little more clear...? Awesome work!
Wow. Thank you so much. I did not expect such amazing responses! This was only the first draft, I assumed their would be so many corrections. About the "answering questions against an opponent", I was just trying to describe a festival game, and I guess I did not do it too well! I listened to a song recently, which inspired the character Alice. It's been a few years since I have written, I just recently picked it up again. Being in middle school I have so much time to improve but it is nice to know people enjoy what I write. Thank you so much for your feedback it truly means a lot!
Wow. Thank you so much. I did not expect such amazing responses! This was only the first draft, I assumed their would be so many corrections. About the "answering questions against an opponent", I was just trying to describe a festival game, and I guess I did not do it too well! I listened to a song recently, which inspired the character Alice. It's been a few years since I have written, I just recently picked it up again. Being in middle school I have so much time to improve but it is nice to know people enjoy what I write. Thank you so much for your feedback it truly means a lot!
Wow. Just wow. I love envisioning when I read. And wow did my imagination run wild. What caused you to write such a striking short story? You are an awesome writer, and I would love to see more of your work. I don't really have any criticism for you. I was a little confused in the part where you say' ".......othertimes you would answer questions against an opponent." what questions? What game? Maybe you could make that a little more clear...? Awesome work!
Great work! This was awesome