[Song of this post: "Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground," The White Stripes. What, I'm on a White Stripes binge, don't give me those judging inter-stares! Same rules apply as last time: If you read this piece and play the song, they end at the same time, along with a few other cues that line up. If you liked this, check out my other piece, Blue Orchid, which does the same thing. *shameless plug* Feedback is appreciated. :-D]
Sheriff Benjamin Morgan pulled up to the Compound in his rusted 1961 Ford pick-up. The cold October wind slapped him across the face as he slammed the faded red driver's side door and crunched gravel over to the white command center tent he'd come for, which stood out vividly against the dark green scenery.
"What'cha got, Chuck?" Ben said quietly to his deputy, a short, dark-haired man in his 30s who was well-known for his temper, as they surveyed the scene. The God's Children Compound stood imposing against the five AM sun rising through the haze, surrounded on all sides by a thick forest. Solar panels glinted on the front lawn and straight rows of plants were visible in the backyard, obvious signs of their proclaimed self-sufficiency. This particular spot was at least 50 miles away from the nearest town.
"They've kidnapped ten people they're calling sinners in exchange for their leader, that nutjob Ernest Koss." Chuck replied gruffly. Ernest Koss was serving a 17-year sentence for raping a twelve-year-old girl. The muscle in Chuck's jaw jumped as his lips pressed into a thin line, his teeth clenched. "The FBI's set up over there, but they haven't made any progress."
"Okay. Hang in there, Chuck." Ben clapped the younger man on the shoulder as he moved across the tent to a group of people in dress-pants and button-downs in heated conversation. They froze upon Ben's arrival.
"Hi, Sheriff Benjamin Morgan, Tratonsville Police Department." He shook hands with most of them, lastly with a tall, stern-looking man nearly into his 60s.
"Agent Harrison Young." The man gripped his hand. "How much do you know about this organization?"
Ben started to reply when gunfire erupted from the entrance. Agent Young picked up a bullhorn to answer, but before he could, a speaker system spat a message
"And I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee." The speaker popped and crackled. "Leave before the Lord strikes you down as well."
On the roof of the building, ten crosses were erected, each holding a different victim, blindfolded and gagged with white cloth. One man held a torch, while another seemed to be dousing the people in gasoline.
The agent moved to respond, but before he could, a great trumpeting noise filled the air, causing the earth to shake. Everyone in the command center dove for cover, holding each other to stay stable. The people in the Compound, however, flooded the lawn, screaming and crying with joy. "Rapture!" They called, dancing in their pajamas, taking children out with them.
What happened next was said to be an illusion, a trick of the morning dew. But Ben Morgan knew what he saw. Like lightning, what seemed like hundreds of comets flashed down from the sky. As the comets neared, great white wings unfolded, allowing the beings to slow as they neared the ground. Each of these winged humanoid creatures raised a fist as they each neared a person, bringing it down on the people from the Compound, who all faded to dust as they crumpled to the ground. The being closest to the command center looked up, flapping its wings to over. Everyone in the command center stood, either transfixed in fear or awe. It raised a finger to its lips, and a wind filled the air.
"Sshhhhhhhh..." The dust of the people of the Compound was picked up swiftly by the wind, until nothing remained, and the field looked exactly as it had before.
The next second, these things were gone, like a mirage on a hot day. Everyone told him he was crazy. But Sheriff Benjamin Morgan knows what he saw.
Hi, It's me again, here to do another review. First off I'd like to say that the issues with this work are less about your writing, and more about the necessity to work out the kinks from this new style you have going. I've always thought that good writing is made up of good description and good character development. both this story and the last one I reviewed displayed that you have a talent for description, but I now see the limits of the music/literature thing. your time constraints limit your ability to properly develop characters and do other subtle things that require time.
In the last story, I felt that I got a very vivid picture of the scene and I thought you developed your character really well, so I don't think it's a problem with your writing. given enough time and creative freedom, I think you could write a very good novel or short story, but this new style offers you little of either. despite how the song's length seemed to match the rate at which I read perfectly, (which admittedly was pretty cool) it just felt rushed. good pacing and clear undertones require gentle exposure, but the length of this piece really limited your ability to do that.
when I saw that the story involved religious fanatics, I was immediately curious, because as a person who is very familiar with heated religious debates, I expected there to be some profound statement made. From the chronicles of narnia to the golden compass, everyone seems to want to make some kind of statement on the subject of religion, and whether that was or was not your intention, I was disappointed at the lack of such a statement. if on the other hand, the introduction of angels was just to make an interesting concept for a new story, then their introduction should have been sooner, or this work needs to be continued, to give the driving force of the plot more "screentime", if you will.
the fact that my only complaints about this piece all revolve around the lack of time taken to develop and expose things, you are very unfortunately left with two choices (unless you can think of a third). either dispense with the addition of music entirely and take more time with your work, or find a way to integrate it into longer pieces. for example, you might put notes in the novel/short story, sort of like stage directions in play scripts, instructing readers when to play what song, and when to change it. I'd be very interested to see where you can go with this, and I would be delighted to hear suspenseful music during an action scene, romantic music during a romantic scene, etc.
to conclude, I'd like to thank you for PMing me about this, and ask you if you would PM me what you think of my review. I'm very interested to hear your perspective as the author of these works, as well as your plans for where you're going to take this style of writing in the future. cheers, your friend,
---Psudiname
Hey there, ThinkinInk! I don’t believe we’ve ever been introduced but you can call me Lily if you like. First off, let me just say that I’m glad to see someone else who listens to The White Stripes and I wish I wasn’t sitting with a bunch of other people or I would listen to – oop found some headphones.
This is a very short piece and you executed it pretty well for as short of story this is. You balanced the focus between describing the story and actually getting on with the story really well. The thing is, it would have been nice if you would have added a little depth to the narrator, something that would have maybe not fleshed him out any more than need be (with this short of a story, he doesn’t need much backstory. He’s just a vessel to tell the story with.) but it would be nice to know something to much as whether or not Sheriff Morgan was good or evil. I mean, it’s implied good but it would have been nice to see a little conflict, some sort of sin or ill that he may have committed.
One thing I would recommend is fleshing out and cleaning up the third to last paragraph, making it clear as to what happened to the rest of the people who may have witnessed the event like the 10 hostages.
You did do something that I found pretty interesting and it was the way you gave even the least important character some sort of defining quality like the deputy with his short temper and the stern-faced Agent Young (who was ironically not young at all). I remembered those random little facts about each of those rather unimportant characters because you gave them a detail that made them memorable. Props to you for doing that.
Anyways, if you have any questions about anything I said, feel free to contact me.
With Regards
Lilymoore
P.S. I don’t know how coincidental it is that this is my 666th review. Seems it should have some sort of significance.