Published December 11, 2009
Things were bad,
but nobody knew.
She didn’t seem sad,
we didn’t have a clue.
But things fell apart
on that horrible day.
She’d been stabbed in the heart,
she had nothing to say.
She stood mid-embrace
broken and hurt.
Tears streaming down her face,
hugging those who’d heard.
They took him away,
and she was alone.
She stayed a couple days,
she, then, was gone too.
I had nothing to nothing to say;
nothing I could do.
This is about my friend...her life just happened to fall apart in 2 days, and shes been taken away from her family. I always write when I have things on my mind.
Tell me what you think.
-Rach
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hey Random! Sorry about your friend. That's never cool.
For your poem, trying making it a tad more specific. Right now, it sounds like somebody stabbed in her in the heart randomly, which is a bit odd. I'm not sure what's happening, mind you, and I can totally understand if you don't want to go into it at great detail, but it does seem a bit random right now!
I say eliminate the beginning and elaborate the end.
This seemed like a better way to get the reader's attention, and then you can kind of backpedal and talk about how you didn't know, etcetera.
Hope that helped you.
Keep writing,
empress
Hello there!
For the positives, I really liked this poem. It was short, sweet, and too the point. Your rhyming style was charming and inventive, not too forced.
For the negatives, it was kind of cliched, talking about the typical girl who is sad and unhappy with her life. I understand that it's based on fact, but I'm surprised that you couldn't find a way to make this poem worth a read. If you want effectively tell your story, I'd suggest writing a short non-fiction piece.
That way, you'll get little to no complaints.
-Elinor
I liked it. I've always had a soft spot for rhyming poems. The poem describes the events succinctly with crystal clarity and I could relate to it even though I have no experience with that sort of thing.
Review: short, sweet, to the point, exhibiting technical proficiency and emotional value.