Somebody's thoughts

Hey! I'm here to review your poem!

I thought this poem was so so so good. I really like it! I think that there is some punctuation needed but other than that not much needs to be fixed. I think the ending could have been strong as it didn't leave me awestruck like I was expecting. I don't have much else to say since the other reviews have said it. Just please keep writing you have such an amazing gift and against this poem is wonderful.

I hope you have a wonderful day
Rachel

P.S. I also love the title! Don't change that- it's perfect!

Hi there, here for a review! First of all, beautiful poem. You are very talented, and you create unique phrases. Structurally speaking, I think we need to work on a few areas.

Let's look at the third line: "Where many follow a wriggling path of cold ice."
Try using a different phrase like "Where many follow a wriggling path of iciness," or "...path of frozen footfalls." Just throwing some ideas out there. Even changing 'cold' to 'freezing' or perhaps 'jagged ice.' 'Cold' is just too bland.

This line is a bit confusing, grammatically: "Lost to minds are life’s essence." I think it'd make more sense as "Lost to minds IN life's essence" or "lost to mind are life's essences" if that's what you were going for.

"What used to be sought; sage." I think this line is too forced. Try to come up with something different than "sage."

Your rhyming scheme is a bit all over the place. Personally, I like to write free form poetry like this too. I like to rhyme in one part and freeform in the next part and so on. I think for this particular poem though, we need to tidy it up a bit. The effect you're trying to give off ties into the execution of the structure. I think overall this piece has a beautiful base structure, but we need to change things here and there to simply make it flow a little better.

For instance, in the first four lines, it's free verse. You could say "I", "lies" and "ice" are forced rhymes, which I am a fan of and use myself. But- then you consistently rhyme the last words of each line throughout the poem. I think you need one stanza or so that is completely free verse to appear again for everything to come together. Perhaps at or toward the end.

Apologies for this obnoxiously long review, but I think this poem has so much potential. It's already well-written and emotional and unique as it is, but it if you bring it up to that next level by revising again...it'll be even more awesome!

Thanks for listening to my incessant rambling,

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Hi, I'm here to give you a well deserved review

So first off this poem is absolutely brilliant I got chills the first time I read it and the second time I read it aloud and it just hit me all the more.
Your use of imagery is extraordinary, very descriptive and captivating. The use of diction in this piece is brilliant and chosen perfectly. The repetition of the line "Where am i?" is really great as it emphasis the loss of humanity in a way.

I have to comment on the rhyme scheme in this piece, although its not perfectly regular it really brings out the sense that this change in the way people view things is normal yet no one notices it is utter chaos.

Great poem! I'd love to read more beautiful pieces such as this one.

~RS