When I look at you, I see beauty. I see perfection.
You don’t see it, but I do. Looking at you right now, I see someone, something like me, I see you.
Who told you, you were nothing, who said you are forgotten?
When I look at you, I see the magnificence of your being. I see the complexity of your makeup and the myriad functions working together to make you smile.
I am overwhelmed – who are you and what am I?
When I look at you, and see how you cry and laugh, talk and sleep, I am filled with awe. I am surprised when I realise your tears are hot, I’m stunned by a sudden heave of your chest - A dull beating sound.
Touching you, I feel the conglomerate of electrical sensations that report to my brain to trigger emotion. I’m scared when I see the throbbing of your veins. The ooze of platelets, iron and water when you are bruised takes me aback. I realise you are as much alive as I am.
When I hold you, you are warm, my temple furrows. I feel suddenly that, I am not alone. An intriguing sensation that you are and I am.
When I touch you, I know that I am alive. I can feel the impulse to hold on tight – it is engrossing.
Indeed hurting you, is hurting me. Killing you is killing me. When I look at you, an odd feeling in my chest suggests something is beating fast.
When I look at you and touch you, I am suddenly enlightened. I now know that when you die, I die too and when you live, so do I.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi,
The title doesn't live up to it!
Especially the expectation of this poem being a really sad one when you didn't capitalized the title. I thought I would burst into tears or shred myself over or scream in the bathroom or go hugging my love and tell him I love him so much.
This review is to fulfill the long-but-not-lost request you gave to me.
So much for a title, so you should give more attention to it, 'kay? I thought it would be like a moment of breaking up with the dear one, and the persona would say, look into my eyes... You know I love you or remember God (because it's spiritual <_<) or something like that.
Well, first impression you did to me, total failure...
Sorry for being harsh, but I was kind of upset... really.
Now to the meat: Beautifully made. This whole poem really did the job well. Describing the feeling of love so realistic, I can relate myself almost 60% as much. Why not 100% or the convincing 99.99%? It's because you lacked one of the senses that I really experience in my love days. That is smell. I know we aren't talking about my love days, but to me, I notice how unique and beautiful my love smells like. Although I can smell it from a perfume bottle, but it's different when my love used it... I can't explain, it is love after all like you can't explain why your heart beats faster when the dearest one in front you of you, right? That's my point number 1.
Number 2 would be I like the way this poem being so neat. It shows that it's honest. Imagine if a poet makes his poem a mess from the hell, would the poem really shows he is being honest? Yeah, it could be. But you know what I meant.
Bumping to number three, I just wonder how you get the idea of describing the smile. I love it. It's so unique and fresh especially when you described it as almost a scientific way.
This would be number 4 and the last one and the most irritating one.
Oh so sweet. Or so I thought. It wasn't sweet at all. Everyone can say that. I would really love to say those words to my mother... or to my teacher... and they would like something like wow, I'm touched or whatever. See what I meant? It is a little cliche and so simple. People are touched because how simple it is, but just wanting you to know that try to show, not tell. This is your chance to make me cry.
Okay! Meow, meow, I'm tired, but I just want to quote this...
It's so so true. Especially the sleep part. I don't meant something 18+ or something like that, but seeing the person I love sleeping makes me wanting to protect him forever and ever and never will I leave him.
Keep on writing and loving the person you love and be positive.
Meow!
~Memo
The plot is good and it's a great poem but, it seems more like a romantic poem rather than a spiritual poem. I will not lie this poem does have an emotional impact on readers as it should. It seems like you're describing your crush or someone you love because the way you describe their beauty. I like that. You clearly know how to convey emotion and, get a good response for the reader. It is overall a great poem but, I can't tell if it should be in the spiritual category. You know what you're doing and that's great but make it clearer who you're talking about in the poem. That should be made obvious because it's an important part of the poem. The poem flows we and, there were no moments where I was confused. I really think this poem is interesting. Keep up the good work. Have a good Review day and review a lot.
- Sandman
Wow. I totally loved your work. Its simple yet brings out the plot easily.
The emotions are conveyed clearly. I could feel love out of it......
Keep up your good work.
thank you
hey!!!
I. TOTALLY. LOVED. THIS!!!
good work bud! really good work. i liked the format of your work.
I usually am a sucker for loving- sweet poems, ( i REALLY dont know why though :/)
but anyway. this was sweet, loving and really really good. i liked the way you end your poem
(((is it just me or did you really through a divergent reference there you die, I die too
overall good read... i would say an 8/10
hope to see more of your works in the future!
~DD
thank you
This poem is gorgeous! I can't get over the "touching you, I feel the conglomerate..." line. I'm just a little confused on the the "hurting you is hurting me," so maybe you could expand and try to make the reader understand how you are hurting this other person. But beautiful work!
I like this poem as it was very easy to read and it flows easily. As for format it suggest you align them to one side just to make it more easy on the eyes but that is just my perfectionist streak coming out
I also suggest that you add the first line with the following two instead of making it a different stanza as they concern the same idea. Although there is no apparent rhyme scheme the lines flow along perfectly well and create a nice rhythm while reading aloud.
I also like the use of diction you used as the complimented the topic very well and brought out all the necessary emotions.
(sry if this is a crappy review its my first ever)
thank you John:) i think you actually ended up giving one hell of a heads up for a first review. haha. you are right on all you spotted, i'll make the necessary changes
ahh good to hear