The babysitter was exasperated, and she was only there for two and a half hours so far. The five year old kate was angelic, but the baby... oh that how that baby could scream. He would close his eyes and squish his face up, and open his mouth very wide, showing off his pink gums, and let out a blood curdling screech. Normally the babysitter was able to soothe babies with ease. She was one of the number one babysitter in the small suburban neighbrohood she lived in. She had left the baby alone so she could prepare dinner. She was making pasta and sauce for the meal.She was chopping up some peppers with a large kitchen knife at the counter. The baby let out another cry, this time louder than before. THe babysitter ground her teeth.
"PLEASE SHUT UP," she hollered, "Or i'll chop you up instead of the vegetables."
This wast the first time she had ever told a child to shut up, and she was immediatley consumed with guilt. She decided to give him a hug, but as she put down the knife, it cut part of her finger. It was a very light scratch, but she decided to clean it and bandage it up. When she was upstairs, she heard a very long, high pitched squeal. It sounded like it was in pain. She heard another horrible, slurping choke. She hurried down the stairs. What she saw was terrible. She backed up into the wall and collapsed. Kate smiled.
The baby lay on the floor, it's stomach slashed open, blood and its' intestines pouring out. The babies head was sliced clean off and lay a couple of feet away from the body
"i did just what you said!" she chirped and giggled.
Moral of the story? You should always watch what you say in front of children
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this seems like a pretty standard story there for something of this particular nature that you're tapping into. The only thing here that seems ever so slightly out of the ordinary is that we've got this babysitter maybe running out a threat that's a little too much especially given it looks like this was just yelled out. If this babysitter really is this good I would expect a line like that to more of a whispered moment of frustration rather than an out and out yell there especially with another child around so that's a bit tough to believe. The information there on the babysitter's credentials is also a little too much to just slide into the opening here. You set the scene well enough without it I think and that extra information just slows the pacing down and makes things a little bit clunkier than they need to be.
That I think can quite safely be considered the worst outcome this story could possibly have had and I find myself a bit at a loss for words here. I don't think you really capture just how horrifying something like this is. There's just so many horrifying red flags there and its just elevating this whole story to an entirely different level that just escalates things so much more than you expect at first. I honestly don't quite know what to make of this. I'd say you could try and make that ending match the horror a little better and maybe expand more but even in just this tiny its already incredibly horrifying so there's that to consider.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That was..... Ummm. Disturbing.
Well on to the point!
Nice work... a bit disturbing though.
Great word, but unfortunately it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the language. Just go with a simpler word like 'exhausted.'
Capitalize names!
Awww, that's what I did when I was a baby
You can combine almost all of this. Apart, it moves slowly and none of the sentences really add anything new if that makes any sense.
Try something like: 'She had left the baby alone so she could prepare spaghetti for dinner. As she was chopping up peppers with a large knife in the kitchen, the baby let out another cry this time louder than before. The...'
Okay, so that was kind of creepy and strange, yeah?
Characters:
I would name the babysitter and the baby. Kate shouldn't be the only one that gets a name.
I know it's a really short piece but I don't know these characters at all. I felt nothing for the babysitter, Kate, or the baby, at all. Just kind of creeped out. Maybe try to build them up a little more.
Overall:
An interesting idea, I've definitely never read anything like it before.
I think as a general rule of thumb, you tell more than you show. It's kind of hard to explain exactly what this means but basically, you tell us what is happening instead of showing us through direct action and dialogue and whatnot.
Also, don't forget to spell check!
-Carly