Why Me?

Ok I just have to say this I wrote this like 2 years ago. I didn't really know how to write well and I haven't really looked at it much so over all I will change it and add things to it. Thanks for the reviews helps a lot

I like the plot. It is very interesting and I would like to see it developed. It is confusing and hard to follow for example, when she gets the scratches the first time and all the characters. I think if you added a lot more detail and some background to it it would be easier to follow. I think that if you go back before she sees him at the table to when she sees him with Annie then it explain in explicit detail what happened and how she felt about everything it would create more feeling in the book.

Well Hello There :3 I said I would review this eventually, even if I am a wee bit late :3 Ready for the LONGEST REVIEW YOU HAVE EVER GOTTEN EVER????

I find it, for this, easier for me to post the whole thing and critique the few typos and stuff I find, instead of having you to search for them. On to the review :3




As I sit locked away from the would in my room all by myself, I could here what I said to him the last time I saw him. The things in my head won't go away, seeing what I saw I wish I had not seen in happen to him. . .

This is an interesting intro, but I find two things wrong with it. You sat "I" 7 times in the matter of 2 sentences, its kinda dizzying. Also, I think you meant for "here" to be "hear" .Either than that, great so far!

The day was cold and sad, I went out with friends to get over the pain of thinking of him with her. My friends wanted to help me out but when we got to the pizza place I saw him with his friends, crying. I thought it was her hurting him, but as I got closer to him he said to them " Why did she have to act like she was happy for me? I love her not Annie!" Then I started to cry and thought to myself , was he thinking about another girl or me? No get that out of my head he must be thinking of someone else. Then his friends saw me and told him to sit up strait and stop crying. But he just looked at me and looked away again. I thought about going over there and saying 'I'm so sorry I love you will you forgive me?' But I just walked out of there with tears in my eyes my friends right with me, I guess they heard what he said to.

I think the very first sentence of this could be changed to "The day was cold and sad. I went out with friends to get over the pain of thinking of him with her." Two sentences seem to be necessary, since after the comma it is rather long. When the guy character, "unnamed yet", says "I love her not Annie!" I think you meant, "I love her, not Annie!" The comma helps break things up. When Raven starts thinking, put it into parenthesis to give us a more speech theory in her head. And the very last word of this should be "too" not "to" . Try putting more imagery into it as well, to give us a better picture of the story. Either then that, I like the way it opens up wanting the reader to continue on! Good work.

Later that night there was a ring at the door, I opened it to see a man there with a sad face look at me. He handed me a note then said " Alex is dead he told me to give it to you when he passed on" then he left. Why would Alex want to give me a note and why did he die how could this happen? I just broke down as I watched his car drive off down the street, I couldn't help it. He helped me with so much in my life and the other day at the pizza place I should have talked to him. Maybe I caould have stoped this from happening, after a good 20 minuets of crying I walked to my room to calm down a little? I was still crying a little but I read the letter, it was short. It said,

There are two typos in this, "caould" should be could, and "stoped" should be stopped. Also, in the same sentence as the typos, you end it with a question mark, I don't think you meant to put that there. Either than that, this is great!

Raven I am so sorry for what I did to you.

It was all my fault Not yours I'm so sorry I know

I'm dead and I will help you Through your problems

even after death I love you not Annie a no matter what

I will be there to see you read this note to yourself in your

room.

Love,

Alex

In the letter, you capitalize "Not" When it shouldn't be capitalized. You also capitalized "Through" , and it shouldn't be capitalized. Don't forget to add a few commas here and there to break up the letter into more than just two sentences! But I really love the sentimental value of the letter, good work.

As I get done reading I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see no one. What did me mean, I know I am dead and I will help you through your problems, I wish I knew. I didn't go to school for the next two days neither did his friends I went to the visiting to see him one last time.

This is great, but also remember to add some more imagery! Also, you said "what did me mean" and I think you meant, "What did he mean" Also, it says "I went to the visiting" when I think you meant "I went to the visitation"

His friends were there too they looked at me like I killed him the got mad at me for some reason. " what's your problem? Why did you do it?" One of his friends said to me then walked off.

You meant to capitalizes "Whats" I am guessing! Also, the first sentence is this needs to be broken up into more than one. "His friends were there too. They looked at me like I killed him. They got mad at me for some reason." sounds a lot better. Either then that, add more detail!

I let it go and thought I would not have to see Alex again but when I went home I could see him by the window In my room then he was gone.

"In" should be "in"

What did I just see? Did I see him or was it my mind? What was this? The note, the hand, him in my window what was going on? Did he really come back from the dead, for me?

This is where I was really excited to read on! No errors in this, good job!

As I got inside I could here his voice in my ear saying to me " I love you come up stairs and I will tell you every thing." I did what it told me to do I went upstairs to my room. I heard the voice again it told me to close my eyes so I did so.

"here his voice" should be "hear us voice." Also, when the she hears " I love you come up stairs and I will tell you every thing" Should be "I love you, come up the stairs, I will tell you everything" Its the wonder of commas for sure!

I asked the voice " are you going to hurt me?" The voice told me " never, just open your eyes and don't be scared." I opened my eyes and see him there with a boy and a girl holding his hands. They looked at me with shock then the little ones walked out my window, I looked at him with a blank stare. But inside my heart was beating and I was so happy to see him but scared to see him after reading the letter.

Just don't forget to capitalize what they say. Either than that, besides a few needs for imagery, great!

" What... What is going on? What happened to you? Why are you here?" I said as he just smiled at me.

Great!

" I am here as your guardian angel if that's ok with you. And all of your other questions will have to wait let me explain every thing ok?"

Great!

I just nodded then said with tears building up " can any one else see or here you talking to me? And can I feel you?"

Capitalize the first letter of the first word raven says!

He nodded and said " I will explain ok?" I nodded.

Good

" let me start with why I'm here with YOU. Well I was so up set and fed up with Annie and my friends making my choices for me, you see I'm not what you call perfect in the head. But I try so hard to be next to you. Now all I can do is this." He paused then he went through the sealing and popped back in with only his head showing.

sealing should be "ceiling" And don't forget to capitalize the first letter of the first word he says!

I giggled as I saw him. Then my mom was coming up to my room, he disappeared.

Great!

She opened the door and looked at me then after the silence asked " do you want to stay home tomorrow? You can if you want take as long as you want ok?"

Capitalize "do" to "Do"

I said I wanted to stay home then she left me alone in my room.

Nice.

" Alex? Are you still there?" There was no answer so I started to cry as I was I felt a kiss on the cheek and looked up to see him standing there looking at me sadly.

Nice.

" why are you sad don't you want to talk to me?" He said with big puppy dog eyes.

Nice!

I giggled then said " why did you kiss my cheek?"

Capitalize why!

He just looked at me with disbelief then spoke " didn't you want that? I mean if not then I won't any more."

didn't should be "Didn't"

" NO NO, it's just that you don't seem like that kind of person to me."

good

He looked at me then said " we'll I need to tell you something," he took a long time then said " Hayden! Rose! Come meet Raven, she is very nice and won't get scared ok."

"We'll should be "Well, "

I looked around. Then said " scared about what?" He looked at me then they walked in holding hands with there eyes closed crying.

"scared" should be "Scared."

I got up then went to walk over to them but as I took the first step 'Rose' opened her eyes or holes were her eyes would have been and stopped crying.

Nice!

I looked at her and said "what happened to you sweetie" she started to walk forward at me.

"what" should be "What" and don't forget a question mark at the end of the sentence!

She said to Alex " she is not telling the truth about some thing I can't tell what but its making me mad!" Alex looked at me then back at her.

Capitalize "she" to "She"

I was shocked I knew what she meant. She was talking about the fact that I wanted Alex to go away it made me sad to be the only one talking to him with his friends so sad about him being gone.

Nice!

"Raven what is she talking. About? She can read people's soles."

I think you had a typo, it should be "Raven, what is she talking about?"

" we'll . . . " I began then she said it to him! He looked at me then spoke.

" we'll" should be "Well"

" Raven I told you I was your guardian angel why would you think that?!" I stared at the ground and walked down stairs to the fridge. My mom was looking at me in shock.

Nice!

Then said " Raven what happened to you?!" Looking at my arm then my cheek. I went to the bathroom and looked I had a big scratch down my cheek and a little one on my arm! Did Alex do this to me?! Or was it rose? Why did I have to be so stupid to think that?

Nice!

Just as I was thinking that a hand on my shoulder scared me out of thought.

" what is going on with you?" I turned to see Hunter's face. Hunter was one of Alex's friends he never really talked to me and now he was in my house. He just looked at me with shock on his face. Did he see my scratches? Or was there more?

Capitalize what they say!

" nothing! What are you doing here? And why are you looking at me like that?" I said all very quickly.
Capitalize -.-

" I... It's... Just that you look like you have a heart scratched on your wrist. Are you cutting your self because of him?" He said in a low whisper, he said him like it was hurting mine to say Alex's name.

"mine" should be "me"

I looked down to see the heart on my wrist. Only it was a scar like it had been there for a day or so.

Nice!"

" I'm not cutting my self but in need to tell you something imported in my room." I lead him to my room as I heard a whisper.

Fix this please, "in" should be I. "imported" should be "important"

" what are you doing Raven? You need to think this through." I brushed it away. I got to my room with hunter on my tail. He sat on my bed and just looked at me.

Capitalize "what" !

" I need to tell you ... That ... " just as I was going to tell him I saw Alex with my knife above hunters head.

Woah, woah, this is intense! Also, capitalize "hunters" to "Hunter's"

" NO! What are you doing!?" I blurted out.

Nice!

" WHAT?! WHAT?!" Hunter said getting up and turning around to see Alex standing there with the knife. Then he was gone.

This is getting intense :3

" What was that thing?!" He said face in shock.

Nice

" That was Alex his ghost now you know he's still here and he's not alone here with me." I said almost in a whisper. He looked at me.

Interesting!

" Not alone? What do you mean not alone?" He said in the same tone as me.

Nice!

" Don't be scared or think of any thing ok? Rose. Hayden. Please come out this is hunter Alex's friend" I said as I was done I saw rose, Alex, and Hayden step out of my wall. Hunters eyes open wide as they could.

Capitalize "rose" to Rose. and "hunter" to "Hunter"

" Hunter, you should not see me like this. Why are you here. And Raven I told you to think this through." He said in a calm voice.

Add a question mark to "Why are you here"

" I'm here because I wanted to see how Raven was doing with your death." Then it can out what I had feared rose opened her eyes and was going read his sole.

"rose" should be "Rose"

" He is lying to you that's all a lie!" She screamed. And with that Alex looked at him and asked rose

rose should be "Rose" and add a period afterwards!

" What's the truth? Can you. Tell?"

"Can you. Tell?" Should be "Can you tell?"

She nodded " he came here to tell Raven that he loved her and was glad for your death. He wanted you dead so he could have Raven. That's why he was shocked to see you." Rose closed her eyes and garbed Hayden's hand and disappeared.

Capitalize he!

Hunter sat there with shock still on his face the same for me and Alex's face. " is that true?" Alex said in a whisper but still loud enough for us to hear.

Capitalize "is"

" yesitsalltrue" he said in a mumble.

Nice!

" what did you say?" Alex said with force in his voice.

Capitalize "what"

" I said yes it's all true. Every last bit! I wanted you dead or gone. Out of my and her life! You never treated her with respect, you treated her like your pet!" He said just as he finished my mom walked in to see me and hunter not Alex.

Capitalize hunter!

But she could see more scratches on me and the knife next to hunter with blood on it and no one bleeding but me.

Capitalize hunter!

" You monster get out!" She screamed

Add a comma between monster and get! Also, a period at the end of this.

" No mom I did it because of Alex!" I screamed. She looked at me then without another word left. Yes that worked but what's with hunter did he mean that? I wish I knew what was going on, this is all so confusing to me.

Capitalize hunter!




I hope you don't hate me for being strict! I just want to help you do your very best I love the concept, and I hope to read more from you really soon! Keep writing Sara, you're great! A wee bit of editing, adding a little more imagery, and this will be perfect!

~Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hi there!

This is a really cute story. I really like it I think it's adorable how this boy has come back as a ghost to become Raven's guardian angel. It really shows his love for her through an emotional state rather than just a physical state.

There are a few things that I would say need a bit of fixing. I'll list them for you below.

1) Your paragraphs are very long. Everyone has their own writing style and sometimes people write in long paragraphs. That's fine and all, but there are certain times when you need to break a paragraph to start a new one. One of those times is when you have new dialogue. If one person is talking and then another person starts talking, you need a new paragraph. That way readers won't get confused as to who is talking. For example, here's a chunk of one of your paragraphs:

" Alex? Are you still there?" There was no answer so I started to cry as I was I felt a kiss on the cheek and looked up to see him standing there looking at me sadly. " why are you sad don't you want to talk to me?" He said with big puppy dog eyes. I giggled then said " why did you kiss my cheek?" He just looked at me with disbelief then spoke " didn't you want that? I mean if not then I won't any more."

Hey Hope, Dreamy here to review.

This chapter was really very interesting. I liked it. You have problems like every other newbies, I had it myself. You should learn your commas and full stops. And that's not a very big deal, you'll get to know it when you write a lot. And I liked the way you have started your story. A heart broken girl thinking about her ex-boy friend, I was able to connect to her feelings of how much she missed him and there was a beautiful longing in her thought.But on the third paragraph, a guy with a note standing in front of her house announcing the death of her boy friend whom she was missing a lot and her feelings was so lame, she didn't get shocked or anything I mean the sudden impact of a bad news must have made her to do something,scream,shout, or just simply cry. But she just took the note and read it? With no emotions at all? These kinds of things are good to watch in movies where there is no dialogues but only the actress facial expressions,but when it comes to a novel or a short story. you should define every step of her feeling in words. You should let the words make the readers cry. And the letter wasn't really powerful, Alex just appears in front of her and says that he wants to be an Guardian angel , there has to be strong reasons for someone to be so. And also you didn't say how or why he die, maybe you'll say that in the later chapters but a little prologue of something what happened to him will not really do any harm.

I so really liked the fact that his kiss and touch are changing to cuts and scares. I liked that idea. And you have miss-spelled 'souls' in couple of places. And I also liked that he has a soul reader with him, which is cute and scary at some times. And Hunter is a persons name so you should capitalize the first letter.

Over all, yours is a very good work. I liked it a lot.You should keep writing to get rid of all the things I told you, and you'll be a success Keep posting!

Keep writing!!!

Cheers!!!!