Laughable Love (creepy pasta fan fiction)

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Jackie's POV:

I walk home from school, just like every other day. I get bullied along the walk home, like every other day. And I get home late, just like every other day. My life is boring, I bet you thought I was going to say something like my life sucks I want to go die. I'm not like that well I mean I sometimes feel bad about it all but I never go as far as wanting to kill my self.

Anyway my name is Jackie, I'm 15, I'm 5'10. I have long brown hair with blue strips and I have bright green eyes that glow, yes my eyes glow. my wardrobe consists of mostly black, blue, and purple, and skinny jeans. And I have no friends, I bet if I went away no one would notice. And I'm one of those creepy pasta freaks.

I like laughing jack, Ben, and eyeless Jack. I mean I love them all but those are my favorite well them and slender man. I like him too. Any way, I'm sitting in my room on my laptop reading Jeff's story (for like the millionth time), my brother is in his room and our mom is gone somewhere getting drunk. my dad is somewhere in the world, honestly I wouldn't care if he was dead. He never loved us.

So I'm reading the story and my dog starts to bark at me, telling me he wants to go for a walk. So I take him for a walk. I'm walking by the park me and my brother used to go when we were little. It was a nice park next to the dark woods. I call it the dark forest like slender mans. I'm such a nerd.

Well as I'm walking by I can see some kids playing. But one of them is crying, its a little girl. I walk over to her and ask if she is okay.

She says " the boys over there took my bear charlie away and wont give it back to me" she is just too cute I mean she is like 8 years old and she is wearing a pink sundress with flowers on it. She has long brown hair that goes down to the middle of her back, she has the cutest and biggest brown eyes. She looked kind of like Sally form the creepy pasta family.

"Hey its okay I will get your bear back for you if you can watch my dog. Okay?" She nods yes and takes my dog. She plays with him wail I get her doll, I see the boys and take the doll. I tell them not to do it again and walk back to the little girl.

" Here you go...."

"Sally. my name is Sally" she says with a smile.

" Well Sally im Jackie. it was nice meeting you and I hope the boys don't take your doll again" with that I take my dog and leave.

We walk some more and I look at the woods. I don't know why I did but I just did, when I looked I could faintly see a short figure standing in the fog.

" Hello? is someone there?" I ask. The figure moves closer to me by now I can see it is a boy and he looks the same age as me.

"Hey sorry if I scared you I was just walking by when I saw you" the boy said in a deep voice.

"Oh no you didn't scare me. I've never seen you around here did you just move?" I ask. We live in a very small town with one high school, two gas stations, two stores, and its all closed off by the forest.

"Actually no I live in a cabin in the woods with my uncle, I don't go to the high school I was home schooled. Oh and my name is Ben, whats yours"

"My name is Jackie, and you live in the dark forest? I mean woods." Why did I say dark forest he might think im a nerd now!

"Cool name and Dark forest? like slender mans Dark forest?" He says with a smirk playing on his lips.

" Umm.... Yeah I'm a total nerd when it comes to creepy pasta stuff I just like to think they are real and I'm not a total freak." I say to him quietly. By now I can see that Ben has long blond hair, blue eyes, and it looks like he is wearing green.

"What if I told you they were real?" He asked me.

" I would say how do you know?" He looked at me now I could see he had a cute little nose that looks like it came to a little bit of a point at the end. And his ears were pointed, wait he looked like link from Zelda! I keep my cool and acted like I didn't see that stuff.

" Really? would you like me to show you?" "Yeah. As long as you don't kill me.

" He looked at me amusement in his eyes.

"So you figured out that I'm one of them?" He asked with a hint of humor but a strait face.

" Yeah your Ben drowned, your a creepy pasta and you can be summoned by the game legend of Zelda: major mask. Your famous lines are 'you shouldn't of done that' and ' you've meat with a terrible fate haven't you?' and your fear is water because you drowned." I said with a smile at the end. He looked at me in shock for a moment then wiped it away with a smirk.

"There is no way you got that from how I look, how did you know all of that?" He looked a little token back by it.

"The internet it has you, slendy, trendy, splendy, jeff, jane, smile, jaughing jack, eyeles jack, the rake, sally, BRVR, le grenny, masky, hoodie, bob, zalgo, pinkiepie (from the story cupcakes), happy appy, squidwerd, sam, mouse, tails, pencelneck, and so many more." I said with a smile.

He just looked at me shocked and this time he took my hand and dragged me into the woods. "Were are we going? Why are you taking me? Please don't kill me!" All that was running through my head was 'Is he going to kill me?' and 'What is he going to do to me?' Please don't let it be like one of those stupid endings on the fan fictions. Were the girl dies because they kill them.

We walked for a long time before we reached a very big mansion, this must be slenders mansion. As we walk up to it I see something white move very fast past me, I jump and grab bens hand. He jumped but then seen what I was scared of, the rake...

He was the meanest and the scariest, apart from slender and Jeff, I was scared of them three the most. Ben watched him run into the woods. "Hey Ben why did you bring me here?" I asked as we got closer to the house I started to feel more and more scared.

"Because I think you are really cool and the first human I didn't kill, oh and slender has been yelling at me so I needed to get home. I didn't want to leave you out there because Jeff is going on a killing spree tonight in your town, I don't want tot see you dead." He said with a frown.

"Oh...." I mumbled. We reached the door and I hid behind Ben, he didn't mind he just chuckled.

"You don't have to be scared there not that bad, just don't look them in the eye." He said the last part opening the door. The house was full of creepy pastas, and they all looked at Ben. They couldn't see me because I was hiding behind Ben.

"HEY EVERY ONE I'M HOME!!!!!" He yelled. I looked around the room to see who all was here. I seen eyeless jack sitting in the chair off to the side on the room watching what ever was on the T. V. Sally and little girl were watching it too. Laughing jack was sitting on the couch eating candy along with Jeff, slender man, splendor man, bob, and le grinny was sitting on spender mans lap. Smile dog was laying down by Jeff's feet, sleeping.

I could hear more of them up stairs, wow there were a lot of CPs here. Smile lifted his head and sniffed the air, no one saw me and I think he was smelling for me. I was getting scared what if he kills me? I don't want to die!

Smile got up and walked around Ben to me, I stood there frozen and when i heard him start to growl I started to shake. That's when Jeff got up to see what was wrong with him, by now smile was growling really loudly and every one in the living room turned to see what was going on. Jeff moved Ben and looked at me with his carved smile growing even bigger. his never blinking eyes scanned over my trembling body, smile had stopped growling by now. And every one was staring at me now, I was feeling very uncomfortable right now with all the eyes on me.

After a very long and scary silence Jeff started to laugh. He reached out a hand to me, i grabbed it and shook it very slowly. he shook it faster and said " Hi there I'm Jeff! Whats your name beautiful?" My heart was pounding, did he just call me beautiful?

"M-my name is Jackie... Nice to meet you Jeff." i said very quietly, Jeff just smiled wider if possible when i said my name. I could feel eyeless jack and laughing jacks eyes on me, it seemed like every one but the three boys went back to what ever they were doing.

Ben just stood there until i saw slender man get up and walk to Ben, he grabbed him and pulled him away. I could faintly hear voices, I don't think he wants me here.

"So Jackie, why did Ben take you here? I mean he never saves a mortal... Its just not like him to do so." Jeff said braking the silence again.

"Oh, umm... He never said why, i was just walking along and i saw him standing in the woods watching me. We started talking and then out of no were he grabs me an takes me here. Oh and I already know all of your names... I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to you guys..." I blushed when i thought about what i just said. I didn't mean to tell them that much. They all just looked at me with a questioning look.

"Really? So whats my name?" Eyeless jack spoke up this time.

"That's any easy one your name is Eyeless Jack and your one of my top five." He lifted his mask up to show me that he was smiling, it made butterflies erupt in my belly.

By now most of the people in the room had left now it was just me, Jeff, Eyeless Jack, Laughing Jack, and Smile. Ben still hadn't come back and the arguing was still going on with him and slender man.

Me and the guys had gotten to know each other better and that made me happy. Jeff really wasn't that bad of a guy he was funny and actually sweet to me. And Laughing Jack and me have a lot in common that was really cool, I was still scared around them but i trying to hide it.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
lostthought
Review

I don't know why I am disturbed. I like creepy pasta but I don't read them a lot. You have good description but there are some things that you need to work on.

1. Punctuation- there are some things that need punctuated. Things like whats should be what's.

2. Spelling- some things are misspelled. You said token instead of taken.

3. Capitalization- words need to be capitalized. You need to capitalize i to I every time, no matter is it is in the beginning of the sentence or not

I didn't see anything else so good job.

~lost

Thank you for the review

User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Mon Nov 18, 2013 4:46 pm

Hello there!

Welcome to YWS. I'm quite fond of Halloween! I love dressing up, eating pumpkin seeds, going to haunted houses, watching scary movies and reading scary stories. It's quite a wonderful time of year, and it's something so fun and unique that makes me happy to be American. While I've not been on creepy pasta, some of my friends have shown me stories from there, and it's quite spooky! That being said, I thought that this started off really well. It's suspenseful, and I wanted to keep reading! I thought the twist at the end was nice.

A few things I think you can work on:

1) Description. It's very flat and "tell-y" and does little to enhance the mood of the story itself. If you want to write something that's scary, work as much as you can on describing the atmosphere. Instead of just saying that the town is small, describe what the buildings looked like, the atmosphere it gave off. What was the weather like? Was there a slight breeze? How does the narrator feel about being so isolated? Try not to make pop culture references to the website or to fanfiction- it dates the story, and it should be able to stand on its own.

2) Character. I didn't get much of a sense of character when I was reading this. You've got your average girl, and the cute boy. What makes them human? Don't start off right away by just describing what they look like and where they go to school. Weave it in the dialogue, description, try to make your characters seem like a real person. I also don't fully understand why the narrator didn't try to escape.

I had a hard time keeping track of all of the different characters and what exactly was going on due to these two things. Also make sure that you proofread your post before you post it so there aren't grammatical errors.

Hope this helps! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions.

Thank you for the review



You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind