We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

“Mandi?” Mom asked snapping me out of my flashback.

“What?”

“Do you want bacon?” Mom asked, pushing her brownish-blond hair over her shoulder as my eyes moved over her slender frame. She is in excellent shape, and I can only hope to have a figure like that when I reach her age and have had three kids.

“Yes, please,” I replied from my seat at the kitchen table.

Her brown eyes met mine, “You better hurry up if we’re going to head out to go shopping.”

“Mom, I have plans with Nick and his friends, remember?”

“Oh okay. Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh, and Mandi, remember that you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum the house,” she said reminding me of my usual chores.

“I won’t forget about my chores and there’s no need for you to go shopping I think I am going out with Nina and Carissa later this week, but we could have a girls night out one night, just the two of us.”

Nina and Carissa were my two best friends. We have been friends ever since we were little, and our families were extremely close. Once my father left us, our families grew apart, but the three of us managed to stay close.

I heard footsteps coming down the halls and looked up to see my older sister wearing her usual all black skimpy outfit.

“Mom! I need money!” Briana whined in her normal, rude manner. She was extremely close to our father, so when he left she blamed my mom and started being even more annoying and rude than usual.

“Okay sweetie.”

“Don’t call me sweetie!” she said, looking up just to get the money then quickly averting her blue eyes away from my mom.

I watched her storm out from the room and rolled my eyes. I don't know how my mother ever puts up with her. Bri and I aren't the best of friends. I love her and all, but there are days I can't put up with her rudeness and impatience. We are complete opposites, our only resemblance being the sandy color of our hair, which we both get from our mom.

The basement door opened, revealing my oldest sister all sweaty from her workout. She is always complaining that she needed more time to work out. Even though she works out for like two hours every day, which is why probably why she's a double zero with a fully tightened belt.

“Mom? I'm going out with Jake tonight.” Heather said.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to go out with Jake, her boyfriend. She was twenty-two now and has given me advice about boys, since we are really close. She is hoping he proposes one of these days, since she considers him to be her soul mate.

“Okay, have fun!” Mom said, pushed the plate of bacon towards me. Normally I would have only had a piece of two but I was starving so I took three pieces.

“Oh, girls I'm gonna have to work tonight. I might not be home until later.” Mom added.

I nodded as I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.

My mom, Sherri, is the owner of Laugh’s, a big indoor facility where kids can be kids. It does very well which is great considering it is the job she uses to provide for our family. She misses my dad a ton even though she tries to hide it. I am not as easily fooled as the rest of my family. Briana doesn’t even care that my mom is in pain, she just keeps adding to my poor mothers stress.

Suddenly my phone buzzed. I looked down and saw a text from Nick.

‘Hey, John and my mom are going out tomorrow so if you want you can just come over here then.’

Nick is my boyfriend. He is like a best friend to me and he helps me through the good and bad times.

‘Ok, sounds good. Love you,’ I texted him back as I walked up to my room, I heard the television blaring from the wall; where it hung. Beside it sat all my posters and pictures of my friends. I sat down on my fuzzy blue comforter and turned on my computer. Once my laptop was booted up my screensaver of my whole family in front of our house appeared on the screen, it had been the first Christmas card without my father present in it. Out house is an old stone-covered house and has lots of land in the back and front.

As I logged onto Facebook, Marbles and Lucky, my two golden retrievers puppies, came into my room and jumped onto my bed.

“Mandi, dear. Your father sent each of you girls a check. Do you want me to cash yours?” my mom asked, as she walked by my room carrying a laundry basket, doing Bri’s chore for her. Ever since the divorce she has been afraid to yell at us, in fear of losing us, so she does our chores if we forget to do them. I always try to do my chores because I know how hard taking care of three daughters and working can be on my mom.

“Yes please. I'm going out later with everyone, want me to take it? I can cash it on the way. Nick is picking me up and I'm sure he wouldn’t mind, that way you don’t have to worry about it on the way to work,” My father had owned a local restaurant and was extremely famous for his cooking. Eight months ago he got an offer to put his cooking on a TV show. The only catch was that he would have to move to Los Angeles, we all would have been more than willing to move with him, in fact that was the plan, until one day he just left without telling us. None of us wanted to chase after him so we just stayed here. Every month he sends us checks and a month after he left he sent us the checks as well as sending my mom a letter requesting a divorce, blindsiding us all. Thankfully Nick has been very supportive of everything. There have been many, many time where I have had to cancel the date because my mom wasn’t feeling good and someone at Laugh’s couldn’t get to work their shift so I had to go in.

“That would be great, thanks. Oh, and I'm gonna work a little late tonight and Heather is out with Jake and God only knows what and where Bri is going so if you wanna invite Nick or someone over after the mall that would be fine,” she said heading downstairs to do Bri’s laundry.

I was on Facebook for all of five minutes before I was bored. The same couples that are always on-and-off-again were on or off and the same drama-causing girls were posting about their drama filled lives. I shut my laptop and reached around for my remote, and after a few seconds of searching I turned on the TV to the NHL network and was listening to them talk about illegal hits to the head while working on my math homework. I was relatively good at school, I kept up a 3.8 G.P.A.

When I saw the clock face read three forty, and Nick wasn’t picking me up until four fifteen, I decided to take a little nap.

I awoke to find Nick sitting beside my bed.

“What are you doing here?” I said, brushing my side bangs out of my eyes.

“I came to pick you up and your mom let me in. You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up so I waited.”

“Ohmygod, I'm so sorry. I should’ve set my alarm, we are gonna be late,” I said putting my shoes on and heading towards the door.

“No need to rush, we still have a little bit of time I texted them and told them we would be a little late,” he said putting his hands in his worn out blue jean pockets

That was one of the things I loved about Nick. He didn’t care if things didn’t go as perfectly as they were supposed to; he just went along with it.

“I love you,” I said, really meaning it. We had been having a little rough patch lately but that didn’t mean that I didn’t think he was perfect. Yeah, maybe he is a little to engrossed in football season sometimes or didn’t take things seriously sometimes but I still loved him. I loved how his brown hair fell perfectly on his head and how his blue eyes sparkle whenever he first sees me.

“I love you too,”

Walking down the stairs I yelled goodbye to my mom and walked outside and got into Nicks beat up blue pickup truck. He had saved up for two years to be able to get the truck since his parents couldn’t afford it. When he was ten his father died and left Nick and his mom alone, his mom remarried when he was fourteen to a guy named John. When his father died his family lost a lot of money since his father was the main money-maker in the family

We arrived at the dinner place just in time. We met up with everyone and went to our table.

“Why were you guys so late? Nick didn’t really give us the details,” Austin asked, sliding into the booth beside Stephanie, his girlfriend of ten months.

“Sorry, I fell asleep and Nick had to wait for me,”

“Oh, is that all that went on?” The sarcasm obvious in Matt’s voice as he moved over a little so Megan, his girlfriend could sit down. Matt, Nick, and Austin were all best friends so that forced Steph, Megan, and I to hang out more than we regularly would. Honestly, I don’t like any of them. His friends are nice but are complete jerks when they are around their girlfriends and the girls are complete idiots.

“Yes,” I said, looking over to the oblivious Nick. Austin and Matt were not aware that Nick and I had sex. They were under the impression that we were both still virgins, but a little over a month ago we were at his house while his mom and John were visiting one of Johns customers up near Laguna Beach, only an hour or so from where we lived, so they both went a took a mini vacation. My mom was working the late shift at work and it just happened. We both promised not to tell anyone though and as far as I know, he has stuck to his word.

“Honestly, just join the club already,” Matt said to Nick as he flipped his brown hair out of his brown eyes.

To that Nick chimed in, “Dude, drop it.”

“Mandi, didn’t you think that Mr. Obrien’s test was super hard?” Megan asked her stupidity obvious.

“Um, actually no, I thought it was really easy, but that may just have been me,” I said, trying really hard to be nice. I knew how much Nick valued his friends and I tried to be nice to them and their girlfriends but sometimes its just so hard.

“Mandi, is really smart, tell them what you got on your state scores babe,” Nick said, unaware to the fact that being a nerd made me just an easier target to his friends. When we had started dating twenty-two months ago his friends weren’t as rude and ignorant as they are now. Now they are just unbearable and I hate going out with them, but I know if I'm not there then I will just be making myself an easier target.

“Oh, those, I got a one thousand,” I said, nonchalantly hoping they wouldn’t know how good of a score that is. The average in our school had been a seven hundred. I remember calling Nick the minute I found out about the score and him taking me out to dinner.   

“Oh, nerd” Austin mumbled under his breath. Austin always had an annoying comment to everything I did or said which hurt, but what hurt even more was that Nick didn’t really care. I try to make it seem like those comments don’t hurt me but they do. I already have a low self esteem issue, them calling me names does not help.

Finally the waitress came and I ordered my salad with a diet coke. After three long, torturous hours of the boys talking about the new NHL rules with me occasionally chiming in, and the girls complaining about other how all their friends are two-faced, the guys paid for their girlfriends and we got to leave the restaurant. Nick and I said goodbye to his friends and their girlfriends and hopped in his car.

We pulled into my vacated driveway within a few minutes.

“Home sweet home,” Nick joked getting out of the car and walking over to the passenger side to open my door. He reached his big hand out towards me and entwined our two hands. Even after almost two years I wasn’t used to the butterfly feeling I got when he did that and I hoped it never went away.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said standing on my tippy toes to kiss him goodbye.

“No problem, my place tomorrow right?”

“What time?” I asked, pulling my hand away from his to reach into my pocket and search for the keys to my  house.

“Noon?”

“Sounds good, I love you. Drive safe,” I walked up to the front door and unlocked it. Entering my house I instantly smelled the aroma of pizza.

“Heather?” I yelled.

“What?” a voice yelled from the basement.

“Oh, nothing just letting you know I'm home,”

As soon as the dogs heard my voice I was trampled by them.

“Why hello there pup,” I said as Marbles greeted me. I went upstairs and went into the bathroom and locked the door.

I opened the second drawer, the drawer I normally keep my pads and tampons. I reached to the very back and grabbed it, Clearblue Pregnancy Test. I opened the test and followed the instructions. Waiting the five minutes seemed to take forever.

After five minutes I looked at the test and read it. Positive. That one word just broke me down.  This wasn’t supposed to be how I got pregnant. It was supposed to be when I was married and settled down and the baby was supposed to be my husbands, not some random guys. My mind immediately flashed to Nick. He wasn’t ready for this, I wasn’t ready for this. I sat on the toilet wanting to talk to someone. Wanting to tell someone. I was pregnant at seventeen. I couldn’t tell my mom or my family. My friends would judge me. Without even thinking I grabbed the phone and pressed six on speed dial. I heard the ringing and wanted to hang up but couldn’t do it.

“Mandi?” he answered.

“Nick, is anyone home at your house?”

“Not currently, why do you wanna come over?” he asked.

“Yeah, I really need someone to talk to, if that’s ok,” I said trying to cover up my sniffling.

“I’ll come get you, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he said hanging up.

How would I tell him? There isn’t really a book for how to tell your boyfriend you’re pregnant. What if he left me? I would have nothing left. My friends will try not to judge me but they will always think of me as their friend that got pregnant at seventeen.

The doorbell rang and I went out to see Nick.

“Hey,” he said leaning in to kiss me then noticed the tears, “are you okay?”

“Can we just talk about it at your house? Please,” I begged. The car ride was silent. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to tell him and get it over with. He only lived a few blocks from me so we were at his house within a minute or so. He opened me door and led the way into his house. I had been here a hundred times yet I suddenly noticed more. I was noticing every little detail and taking them in, in fear that this would be the last time I was at his house. I walked into the family room and sat down on the couch. The same couch I had lost my virginity to him on.

“Mandi, what happened?” he asked as he sat down beside me. He looked me right in the eyes and I could see the curiosity in his eyes, if only he knew what he was about to hear, maybe he wouldn’t be so curious.

“Please don’t leave me. Please don’t ever leave me,” I said crying.

“Why would I leave you? You know I love you,” he said as he pulled me onto his lap and held me close. If only he knew that I wasn’t the girl he saw.

“I’m pregnant,” I muttered, the tears falling from my face.

“You can’t be,” he said, letting it sink it, “we used protection. We were safe.”

It came out like a whisper “You’re lying.” He stared at me with his eyes wide open. They focused on my stomach –I wasn’t showing, “You’re not pregnant.”

His eyebrows went down real low. He snarled, “You aren’t pregnant!”

“Tell me,” Nick clenched his teeth, “that this is some sick joke.”

 “Nick, I’m not lying. I’m sorry. I’ll leave and just forget about me. Forget about us.” I said, getting up and heading towards the door. He followed me and drove me home. I knew this was how it was going to happen.  No one wanted damaged goods, no one wanted something that was ruined.

When I got home I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. This wasn’t fair. Why me? What did I ever do? I had tried so hard to be a good person. Is this how good people are rewarded? I fell asleep within a few minutes and woke up to a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I muttered. I didn’t wanna talk to my mom or anyone right now. To my surprise Nick walked in.

“What are you doing here? I told you to forget about us?” I said, surprised that he would even show up. I had expected him to be onto another girl by now, a girl that wasn’t broken, a girl that had no baggage.

“Why would I forget about us?" He took to the bed's edge. Nick placed his hand on my shoulder, "I still love you, and I hope you still love me after what I did last night. I know you didn’t ask for this, and I’m sorry I implied that. This is my fault, I’m sorry Mandi, I really am," there was the slightest presence of tears in his eyes, and I knew he meant what he was saying.

“How can you still love me, I’m ruined,” I looked down to the bed: no one could love me now. I became damaged goods. No one wanted damaged goods. Oh god, the tears started to well up again. Pressing my lips together, I tried to keep my composure. Nick murmured something between the lines; hey, look at me. 

I complied.

"You are still the same girl I fell in love with, you just are now carrying another human being," he had this slight smile. The words came out so soft. It was like he was scared I would run off at any time, but to where? Where could I run to?

Running his fingers through his hair, he brushed away the premature tears at the edge of my eyes with his thumb. "I am sorry for how I reacted last night," he gingerly treaded lightly, "I didn’t think about how hard this must have been on you."

“I can’t let you do this, you deserve someone who isn’t broken, I just keep breaking more and more. You have so much ahead of you, I can’t take that away from you,” I said, gazing my eyes away from him. I couldn’t let him do this. I always knew he could do better than me, that he deserved better, this was just more proof.

“Mandi, you aren’t broken, you never were. Just because something bad has happened to you does not mean that you are broken, it means you are strong, and that is why I love you. You don’t let anything get you down, not your dad, not school, and I won’t let this get you down. Whatever you want to do I will be there with you, no matter what. I’m not going anywhere, I love you,” he leaned in and kissed me on the lips, almost to signify that what he meant was real.

“Have you thought about what your options are? I mean, what our options are?” Nick then asked, with a more serious tone in his voice.