“What?” he backed away from me now and was standing up pacing. I didn’t want to hurt him, I couldn’t do this to him.
“I was just walking and he grabbed me and I tried screaming but it did nothing. He just kept hurting me and I couldn’t get away,” the flashback came back. I didn’t want to remember that night. That was the night I was raped and I wanted so desperately to forget it.
“What are you saying? You are making no sense.”
I just started shaking. He was going to leave me. I was useless I couldn’t even defend myself from that man, who wants a girl who can’t defend herself?
“For God sakes Mandi! Just tell me who you had sex with! Whose child are you having?” he yelled.
“I was raped. I was walking home and he raped me.” I pulled my legs closer to my chest as the tears continued to fall. I could see the hurt in his eyes.
“Are you serious?”
I nodded, unable to speak.
“You’re lying! You’re not pregnant, you weren’t raped. This is all a joke and it’s not funny.”
“Nick, I’m not lying. I’m sorry. I’ll leave and just forget about me. Forget about us.” I said, getting up and heading towards the door. He followed me and drove me home. I knew this was how it was going to happen.
When I got home I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. This wasn’t fair. Why me? What did I ever do? I had tried so hard to be a good person. Is this how good people are rewarded? I fell asleep within a few minutes. The same nightmare of that night that I had been having since the day he raped me replayed in my mind. I wanted it to stop but I couldn’t do anything. I was jolted awake a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I muttered. I didn’t wanna talk to my mom or anyone right now. To my surprise Nick walked in.
“What are you doing here? I told you to just forget about us,” I told his as I sat up on the bed.
“Why would I forget about us? I still love you, you are still the same girl I fell in love with. I am sorry for how I
reacted last night. I didn’t think about how hard this must have been on you. You are so strong and whatever
you decide to do, I will be right beside you the whole time. If you want to keep this baby, then we can raise it
together. If you want to get an abortion I will be right beside you holding your hand while you get it done.
Whatever you choose, I am on your side. When we started going out do you remember I told you I would love
you through anything? I meant it,” he said sitting down beside me on the bed and kissing me on the
forehead.
------------------------------------------2 and a half years later---------------------------------------------
“Mommy! Mommy wake up!” Jayce yelled waking me up from my sleep. I opened my eyes to see my beautiful,
little boy jumping up and down trying to wake me up. Each time he jumped his shaggy brown hair shook. For
a two year old he let me sleep in later than most moms got to.
“Come up on the bed with me, Jayce,” I said, reaching down to pick him up.
“I want breakfast!” he screamed, continuing to jump up and down.
“Mandi?” Nick said, poking his head into my room.
“I’m sorry, did his screaming wake you up?” To this day I still feel guilty whenever Jayce or I cause Nick to
wake up early or cancel plans or stay home on a Friday night because I know if he had never met me this
wouldn’t be his fate. I would be dealing with Jayce on my own.
“No, I woke up early this morning. Have you talked to your mom yet about his birthday party?”
“I told you I don’t want to invite her. I don’t want anything to do with her,” I said. Whenever I told my mom I had
been raped she didn’t believe me. She kicked me out of the house, she thought I was lying about the whole
thing. She believed Jayce was Nicks child and not that horrible mans. She had told me that if I had really been
raped I wouldn’t have kept Jayce, I would have had an abortion. She didn’t get how I didn’t want to give up on
my child like my father, and now my mom, had.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I was compelled to read the piece thrice to understand how heart-warming Nick's speech was. Besides the formatting behind awkward by having one or two words every other line, the fact that I have no clue how the line is delivered doesn't help. I suggest reformatting it and breaking up the lines to express to the audience that Nick didn't blurt this out and run through the lines quickly -he took breaks, and at times even was silent. This is how I would've built up to it:
“Why would I forget about us?" He took to the bed's edge. Nick placed his hand on my shoulder, "I still love you."
I looked down to the bed: no one could love me now. I became damaged goods. No one wanted damaged goods. Oh god, the tears started to well up again. Pressing my lips together, I tried to keep my composure. Nick murmured something between the lines; hey, look at me.
I complied.
"You are still the same girl I fell in love with," he had this slight smile. The words came out so soft. It was like he was scared I would run off at any time, but to where?
Running his fingers through his hair, he brushed away the premature tears at the edge of my eyes with his thumb. "I am sorry for how I reacted last night," he gingerly treaded lightly, "I didn’t think about how hard this must have been on you."
Speaking of this speech, what inspired Nick's change of heart? The transformation takes place overnight. We aren't given a clue as to why. This is the same Nick who was very adamant that she was not raped, but had consensual sex with another man.
It came out like a whisper “You’re lying.” He stared at me with his eyes wide open. They focused on my stomach –I wasn’t showing, “You’re not pregnant.”
His eyebrows went down real low. He snarled, “You weren’t raped!”
“Tell me,” Nick clenched his teeth, “that this is some sick joke.”
Besides breaking up the dialogue to gradually build to an emotional climax, I want to know how you go from this extreme followed by a most likely stony silent ride to her place to twenty four hours later at her place: believing that she was raped, deciding to stick by her side, and become this pillar of strength. All within a days' time, I can't understand his motivation.
How old are these two characters?
Why is it that they have separate bedrooms if they live together? Has their relationship changed from romantic to a something more platonic? Was she unable to have physical intimacy with a man because of the traumatic experience? Did Nick love her, but just couldn't be intimate with her because she still flinched at his touch or he simply couldn't?
I wanted to feel bad for Mandi: however, I didn’t feel emotionally invested. I know she was raped, but it didn’t feel real. Had there been more details on how the lines were delivered, more information as to how she reacted –eyes welling up with tears, making herself small as to not become a target of Nick’s rage, staring at the ground or looking away –anything so that she doesn’t have to see. How her skin crawls and no matter how many showers she takes, Mandy still feels dirty.
This experience is pivotal for the entire piece. Every action should be somehow related to making the audience realize how this has affected her completely –not just the fact she’s carrying the child of her assailant, but how she’s a survivor. She isn’t a carefree girl anymore. She’s scared (she can be hurt like that again), angry (at herself for not having been able to fend him off, at him for doing this to her), impossibly anxious (will her mother, will Nick believe her? Does she keep the child?), and more.
I recommend reading some medical journals or fist-hand accounts of the experience to better understand what Mandi’s going through and how to portray that.
Does Jayce look anything like his father? Did Mandi press charges, get a rape kit done –or did she do what many do and run home to shower because she felt dirty which destroyed most of the evidence?
This story has a great potential to really touch the audience: however, you need elaborate more on what's going on. It wouldn't hurt to format it again and change "Nicks child" to Nick's child as well as "horrible mans" to horrible man's. This piece feels rushed. It's eager to hit me with the hard lines, but doesn't take the time to build everything up so that it may mean something. Honestly, you've got something here.