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Young Writers Society



Tunnel

by hkcsan


Dammit, when will people learn that the world doesn't belong to them?

Sarah got more and more frustrated with each passing second as she tried not to fall off her bicycle from how slow she was cycling. She'd had a bad day at school today, with her getting to class late because of heavy traffic, getting punished by the teacher for forgetting to bring an assignment, and then getting her clothes ruined by some kid tripping over absolutely nothing and spilling his drink all over her. All she'd wanted to do when she got home was to get rid of her dirty clothes and go cycling to relax. 

But noooo, this group of people had just decided that this park was THEIR turf now, and then proceeded to block off the entire track by walking in a row instead of keeping to the side, so she couldn't even overtake them. Sarah was too tired for this. 

After what felt like hours, she finally reached the middle of the park, where a small tunnel connected one side of the park to the other. Screw it, she thought, I'm going through that tunnel. Not going to put up with these selfish pricks anymore. 

Sarah started going through the tunnel. Looking around, she noted that there were various flowers and creeping plants on the walls and ceiling of the tunnel. "That's nice," she murmured to herself. "Adds a bit of color to this place." She continued onwards. 

Strange, Sarah mused. This tunnel didn't look this long when I first saw it. It had been almost a full minute, and she seemed to have only made it halfway through what used to be a short tunnel. The plants that decorated the inside of the tunnel when she first went in were getting more and more scarce the further she got. Also, was it just her, or was it getting darker...?

Sigh. Sarah was getting tired. She wanted to go home. Luckily, her street was just at the other end of the tunnel. It looked like she would have to keep going for quite a while though; she had been cycling for so long, yet she could barely see the end of the tunnel...

Wait.

She could barely see the end of the tunnel. 

Something was very wrong. 

Bewildered, Sarah shook herself from whatever trance she had been in, and took a look at her surroundings. It was completely dark, and from what little she could see, there were no more plants on the walls. Just nothing but concrete...maybe concrete. 

The end of what she thought to be a small, short tunnel was now what seemed to be more than several hundred meters away, with the sunlight just a tiny spot of white in the abyss of darkness that was the tunnel. Sarah frantically tried to go faster, rotating the pedals as fast as she could, but instead of getting closer, the light was getting further and further away, until it was just a speck, a pinprick...

The light wasn't visible anymore. 

Panicking, Sarah turned her head this way and that, trying to find a sense of direction, but everywhere she turned, it was just that same all-encompassing black. She belatedly noticed that her body had froze, and tried to move, but some kind of force was keeping her from even twitching, a vice-like hold on her body. She tried to scream for help, but her jaw wouldn't move, she can't MOVE-

Wide, panicked eyes came into contact with a small figure moving towards her. It looked like a young boy, not much older than her. Then it spoke.

"Another sacrifice for the Void..."

"Wh-wha-" She could speak again! "What do you mean?" she stammered. "Where even is this? What's happening? Let me g-" Suddenly, the unknown force gripped her again, rendering her completely immobile, silent and helpless against...whatever this was. 

"...another sacrifice for the Void..."

What are you talking about? 

Sarah tried to break free again, but to no avail. The only thing she could move were her eyes and eyelids, and she shut her eyes, desperately praying that it was all just a bad dream, that when she opened her eyes she would find herself in bed, staring up at the ceiling...

Nope. She opened her eyes, and the boy(?) was still in front of her, staring holes into her face. They stay like that, completely still for a few minutes, then slowly, the boy...creature...thing raises a tiny, bony hand and places it on her cheek, and she's gone. 

Sarah never made it home.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Tammy is terrified. She'd just wanted to take a little shortcut through that tunnel, but now she's in this scary dark place, she can't see a thing, and she can't move-

Suddenly, she sees a person (or she thinks it's a person) walking towards her. Its long hair flowed behind it as it gets closer, and soon Tammy can see its face. It looks like a teenage girl with fairly pretty features, but it looks awfully familiar...

Where have I seen this face before?

It dawns on Tammy a few moments later. She's seen this very face on a missing person poster, but more vibrant and lively than the pale shell it was now. The missing person poster was put up about two weeks ago, saying the girl was last seen going cycling at a park. The very same park that Tammy was in before she entered the tunnel...

"Sarah West?"

Dimly, Tammy notes that she can move again, and her voice shakes when she utters the name. The figure in front of her doesn't react to the name, and she swallows. Then 'Sarah' opens her mouth.

"...another sacrifice...for the Void..."


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Sat Dec 18, 2021 5:21 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi hkcsan,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

At first glance, a nice little horror story that has a typical beginning and then moves on to a suspenseful ending to balance it out. There are some flaws in the story, but generally it's a good piece of work.

I like the way you created the beginning. I like Sarah right away and you also manage to portray her as a normal girl who experiences a rather unusual day so that it becomes her last day. I think you've done a good job of building up the suspense of what's to come for her, because in the end it was her decision to take the tunnel, which also helps to give the story a certain tension.

One thing I think you could improve is the description. You manage to convey some of the tension and horror, but a lot of what you're sharing with the reader is also on display, so some of it gets lost. I would try to adapt the style to Sarah a little bit, so that it seems as if we as readers are just as clueless as Sarah, instead of describing what happens straight away.

Also, the way you switched over to Tammy at the end was kind of abrupt, because we're at the end and I think you could have either put in a complete stranger or made sure that we got to know Tammy from the beginning so that we had an idea of exactly who she was.

I do see a good start and build up to the story though, which definitely gave one or two readers a shiver.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




hkcsan says...


Hello! :D thank you for the review, I'll make sure to improve my writing ^^



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Tue Dec 14, 2021 5:31 pm
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beautiful work! It has a great chill level. Can't wait to check out more of your work! you truly have the Glitch seal of approval!




hkcsan says...


thanks! :D



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Tue Dec 14, 2021 1:20 pm
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Shayna Basu wrote a review...



hey there !!!! first of all congratulations !!! This Horror story is truly incredible and a perfect fit for a masterpiece short film ..... Your story is so engaging, captivating and gripping ..... For a person who isn't hugely fond of horror stories , I was completely impressed and you have made me go head over heels for horror stories now !!!! Thanks a lot and keep writing .... You have a shot to be the next Stephen king




hkcsan says...


thank you :))



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Sun Dec 12, 2021 8:21 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there, stygianmoon here for a review :D

As a huge fan of horror, I just HAD to check this out :p

Let's start with the negatives,
I felt like the whole sacrificing part was kinda brushed over, he touches her cheek, and she disappears. Since it's kinda the climax of the play, something a bit more horrifying would be way more fitting for something called a sacrifice.
But yeah, that's kind of the only negative thing I found in this haha

On to the positives !
As a horror story, this is just *chef's kiss*
The way you introduced your character was great, nothing felt rushed or cliche, everything made sense and was intriguing enough.
The way this starts slowly, normally, honestly if I didn't know the genre of this was horror, I would've probably thought it was a simple high school story. Which makes the rest so much more terrifying ^^

It's such a creepy concept, I loved the idea !! But like.. why would you ever go in a tunnel ?????? Sarah's clearly not watched a lot of horror movies..


So in conclusion, this was a really fun short to read, the buildup was great, introduction great, and the insights (idk if it's called that lol, it's the part in italic, where we can see in her mind) really added flavour to the short.

If there's some things you can add if you're looking to polish this work, (not things that should be fixed, just things I feel would add some tension) you can try and make the reader connect better with the MC, make us care for her, make us relate to her- makes her death more shocking ya know :p
and make the "sacrifice" ritual more shocking. But that's just my opinion, you do you :)

Have a nice day !




hkcsan says...


hi :'D thanks for the review, I really appreciate it :) I did try making the sacrifice part more horror-like and dramatic but it never really turned out how i wanted it to ^^; I'm glad you liked the rest of the story though! :D





Hey again :D
honestly that was just nit-picking, it was actually pretty dramatic. (I find it hard to be scared haha, that's why) hope you keep writing :p



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Sun Dec 12, 2021 1:34 pm
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Teddybear wrote a review...



Hey, I hope you're doing well. Full disclosure, I'm a tad out of practice when it comes to reviewing things, so forgive any evidence of that you may discover in these following paragraphs. I'm going back to my old style of giving an in-depth, nitpicky review of the work with quotations first, followed by an explanation of the overall impression I was left with. It's important to note that just because I brought something up doesn't mean there is any part of that that I think should change. Sometimes I just want to make note of when you write effectively. With that said, let us begin.

Firstly, let us start at the very beginning.

Dammit, when will people learn that the world doesn't belong to them?


Honestly, I review the opening line out of habit. Yours is fine. It's not spectacular but it brings the reader into the head of the character, sets the tone, and starts us off on the right foot. It does it's job very effectively and suits this story very well. Were you to have a more punchy opening line, I do believe the tone would be thrown off substantially, so I'm quite happy that this is what you went with.

Moving on.

Sarah got more and more frustrated with each passing second as she tried not to fall off her bicycle from how slow she was cycling. She'd had a bad day at school today, with her getting to class late because of heavy traffic, getting punished by the teacher for forgetting to bring an assignment, and then getting her clothes ruined by some kid tripping over absolutely nothing and spilling his drink all over her. All she'd wanted to do when she got home was to get rid of her dirty clothes and go cycling to relax.


This is our introduction to the primary character of this piece, exempting the first line, and I think you do a pretty good job setting her up as pristinely average in an appropriate-for-the-tone sort of way. Her frustration builds realistically in the following paragraphs and her simple decision to go through the tunnel is perfectly understandable because of that.

However, it is notable that I found myself wondering why she didn't, on-page, attempt to pass or ask to pass the group. Perhaps she could do so and be ignored or not heard, or you could add a sentence or two to emphasize some social awkwardness she feels mixing with her frustration, which would of course worsen the longer she stayed behind these people.

Next I want to talk about this part,

Strange, Sarah mused. This tunnel didn't look this long when I first saw it. It had been almost a full minute, and she seemed to have only made it halfway through what used to be a short tunnel.


This is where the dread starts building, and I, the reader, begin wondering what's going on. This dread eventually peaks as she meets the little boy in the tunnel and is taken by the void It's very well written and generally intriguing and engaging.

The twist at the end where Tammy is taken by the void, who is now using Sarah's body, or something that looks like it, to take its victims is appropriately chilling and nicely done.

All in all, I really thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's a pretty standout piece of suspenseful, creepy writing that I really appreciate. I believe most of what I have to say has been said already, so a thousand more compliments to your work, and I do hope to read more of it eventually.

Thank you for providing this for me to read.




hkcsan says...


hello! thank you for the review, i appreciate it a lot ^^ I'm glad you enjoyed reading this :)




Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill