Young Writers Society

Hey there! Uni here for a review.
How are you doing? Hope you are fine.
Sorry for not reviewing this earlier!

I'm so excited to be back and start reviewing your poem! Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on.
Not a very long poem but deep emotions, I must say. I can relate to the poem very well. And I know most of us can relate to the words and feelings you have put in this literary work.
So let us start.
This poem is amazing and relatable for everyone.
I loved the rhyming scheme and seriously, it didn’t look like you just wanted to rhyme the lines. It is looking like it has come naturally from deep inside your heart.
Writing a good poem and rhyming it as well is a difficult feat and you have achieved it.

Overall, I like the theme as less poets write on the s
Maybe you can use capital letters for the beginning of lines. That way it would look nice . Whether you use capital letters or not, your poem remains fantasic just as you are as a poet.
Anyway, it is a suggestion . I am here just for a review. You do whatever you like . Believe me, No offence.

I just noticed something after the reading the poem twice that you left your cursor in the middle of the photo. That was unintentional, though.
I loved the theme of the story as less poets write on social issues. The part when mother realised that her son is gay is emotional. How she came out to be so understanding is learn able.
Have a nice day and keep posting.

Hi there hiraeth!

I very rarely review poetry but I read this poem and absolutely loved it and since it’s review day... I’m gonna review it! :p

I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme you had - it felt really playful and fun which I think matched the overall gist of the poem - a story of acceptance and love! The rhyme scheme wasn’t exactly consistent, but I didn’t find that to be too troubling until the last three stanzas. I feel as if was interrupted in the those last three; I think it’s because of the jam-packed words in the phrases and maybe the rhymes that aren’t nearly as perfect as prior ones.

I found the third to last stanza (“I don’t remember what happened next”) to be weirdly choppy, which was slightly disappointing because the rest of the poem was kind of catchy! It feels a little clunky, maybe because of the “camera-roll of memories” line as well as the “me sitting next to my parents” which is a bit awkwardly phrased.

The first line on the last stanza really got me lol. xD I like the little addition of the “mum said to leave the door open” - it’s cute and hints at there relationship! The fact that it’s a little sidenote does break the rhythm a bit but it’s not too bad.

One other thing I’m worried about was them kissing right after the mention of the girlfriend/boyfriend they each had. My first read I assumed they probably each broke up with their bf/gf earlier, but since the story is constricted to poem form, pacing is really hard to recognize so it could come across as cheating ?? Maybe even including a little stanza on how they both become single from unsatisfied love would prevent any cheating assumptions.

I think my favorite stanzas are the first because of how simple but beautiful it is; we see this almost desperate love that’s closed off from fear. My other favorite is the fourth one, particularly the last two lines. I think they just pack a punch with the wild emotion is encompasses.

Anyway, I really liked this poem. I’m a fan of playful but meaningful poems with rhyme, and this one had an absolutely beautiful story as well.

~ EternalRain

Hello, hiraeth! I noticed that you reviewed my story for Big Bang Pride, so I decided to return the favor for Review Day! I'm not good with wording, so the review could seem blunt and awkward, so I apologize in advance. Just remember - you do not have to take anything I say into consideration or into action. These are my opinions that you absolutely do not have to use, okay?

The first thing I noticed in the poem (this happens a lot with screenshotted pictures of poems, don't worry) is that you accidentally left your cursor line in the middle of the screenshot, haha. I don't think that this was intentional, but I just wanted to point it out.

The second thing I noticed about the poem is how you tended to have "complete sentences" in your stanzas. They were all separated by a semicolon or a period, most likely to provide completeness. I applaud you in the fact that it makes your poem feel very formal and serious; there was only one part that I could find that broke away from the flow you created from punctuation and grammatical strategies, which was in your second stanza. After the first line, there should have been a comma instead of no punctuation, but otherwise, your grammar regarding flow was flawless! Good job!

The next thing I saw is your rhyme scheme. Though it's different throughout stanzas, you generally rhymed throughout the piece without making it seem too clunky, so good job! It gives off a very flow-y feel and connects the poem together without the awkwardness. The fifth stanza, however, doesn't follow this rule. All four lines contain off-rhymes to each other, but it's not fully rhyming like the rest of the piece. Of course, I didn't find it the first time through - it's very well nestled - but after scrutinizing I did find it, so maybe consider different wording?

The relationship in this poem is very adorable and realistic. The internalized homophobia is something that most homosexual and genderqueer people go through - including me! - and I appreciate the representation of some of the struggles we go through day by day. Also, about the accident? It just goes to show you that not all queer/LGBTQ+ folk that get hurt are from homophobic attacks. Sometimes, it's an event as simple as a car crash. Respecting and acknowledging this fact just pounds into the brain that homosexual people are people too that get into accidents that aren't always hate-related.

Also, a girlfriend? The absolute dream.

I personally found the relationship to be a little rushed (from the library hand-brushing to kissing sounds like something from an anime, if I'm being honest) but it was extremely cute. The love interest is super cheesy and lowkey flirty? I love it. Those types of relationships make me feel warm and fluffy inside, this one being no exception.

The last thing that bothered me is that the mother said "we know". It annoys me to no end when people say that, like they know you more than you know you. Dan Howell in his coming out video addressed this better than I ever could, but I want to say that if you come out to someone, "I know" is one of the more condescending answers that you could say. While this does make the mother more realistic, I don't really like her as much as some other people. I know that it's supposed to be a heartfelt coming out scene, but I still am nagged about those words.

Anyway, that's all I have for today, so auf wiedersehen and Happy Review Day! ~~

zami

That was so good and so cute! I love it <33