Dear hiraeth,
I love this poem. It is like a emotional roller coaster (in a good way). It is very deep. There is nothing else to say. I love it. If this is what you're going through, I hope you get out of it in the next week. Chins up!
MariaDaCat
You don't know what it does to me.
You don't understand that I'm not strong;
That my heart can't withstand all the thorns
that come with the roses you give me.
~
take it away, i can't mend your heart,
When mine, like yours, is broken
When mine, like yours, was torn apart
By lovers who blessed us forsaken.
~
Like scattered stars, abyssal chaos: These
Pieces
Of my
Heart,
Paper shields that your expectations knifed through
I have no more disappointments to return to you
I'm at the bottom now, I'm back at the start.
~
Your trust's another glass, for me to b r e a k
But the blood on these hands is only my own,
Don't give me gifts, that i cannot take
For I have nothing to return, I sit on no throne.
~
Don't live this life, to be by my side,
For if my heart beats, it is not for you
They who hold, the other half of my soul,
Has returned home, and soon, I shall go too.
Dear hiraeth,
I love this poem. It is like a emotional roller coaster (in a good way). It is very deep. There is nothing else to say. I love it. If this is what you're going through, I hope you get out of it in the next week. Chins up!
MariaDaCat
Hey Katnes here with a review
What I have to say is not intended to offend you or hurt you or make your come story seem bad however be warned-it may come across as offensive so heads up!
Praise
Let me just say-I am amazed at this piece. I have never seen anyone on here write like this. Except maybe myself . . .That said let's get to the review . . .
Grammar
Your grammar seems fine. Except CAPS but this is a poem.
Style
Okay, so the first thing that popped out at me was this line
When mine, like yours, is broken
When mine, like yours, was torn apart
First off I don't think that like yours fits. Don't you think it would read better this way?
When mine is broken, and like yours torn apart.
You don't know what it does to me.
You don't understand that I'm not strong;
That my heart can't withstand all the thorns
that come with the roses you give me.
I think you could change that word strong and use something well stronger. And maybe try a more vivid word for withstand.
And then this part
They who hold, the other half of my soul,
Has returned home, and soon, I shall go too.
I think has would sound better if the word have was used.
Other then that that's it.
Hope this helps
Katnes
Hi there @Hiraeth I am here to do a review on your poem, First things first, the poem is a grate length I can say.
What I think this needs[b]
So I feel like this poem has a lot of feelings in it but there is some other things missing, I must say that there is not much description on how things look around this person, or what really happened, I just feel like there is a gap, It needs a bit more description I can say.
[b]Things that I think needs a bit of work
So this was the first line to the poem, but i feel like it is missing something before this, I feel like there is some other lines needed, I will try to make some lines up for the begging of this poem in suggestions, and you can see if you like them. There 2 lines for the beginning I hop you like them.You don't know what it does to me.
I am going to go put this in suggestions and I am going to Try to think of something else instead of thorns, for I feel like it is not working or I could ad something in.That my heart can't withstand all the thorns
I am a bit confused with this bit for I have never herd the work chaos before, or maybe I have herd it, but I have never read it before.Like scattered stars, abyssal chaos: These
P i'm messing with you)
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