Please all comments and criticism welcome
Chapter 13
No one had spoken for the past two hours. The air was filled with silent feelings of hurt and despair, just waiting to be released and to wreck havoc on them all. Amala’s grandfather sat with his hands clasped together tightly, probably concocting some diabolical plot to get out. Tarik didn’t even care about getting out now though. He didn’t move at all. He hadn’t since Amala had said what she had. He didn’t understand it, couldn’t understand it. Because why would Kesi-the only woman he had ever loved, and his best friend-why would she ever do such a heart wrenching thing like that to him? And then not even have the decency to tell him afterwards. Even after his daughter-no not even his daughter, Zahur’s- was born
This is all your fault Kesi. And right now I couldn’t care less whether I ever see you again.
“Why did you even say that?” Tarik murmured to the floor. Amala didn’t know what to say. How could she even begin to answer that? Thousands of reasons really. But not one of them she could say without putting her already fragile life in danger. So she said what she knew best to say.
“Because it’s true. I’m sorry daddy, but well…your not my daddy anymore.” She laughed, and continued viciously, “I bet you feel really stupid now. After everything you went through to get here and to find me, this is what you get. The truth. It sucks doesn’t it daddy? It sure did suck when I found out. But I got over it. I’m not so sure you will though. Cos I bet now you wish you’d never seen me. You probably wish I’d never been born.”
Amala was half expecting him to shake his head, and tell her ‘No Amala I could never wish that. I love you even if you aren’t mine.” Just like they did in movies. But he said nothing. And for the first time for ages she could truthfully say she hated him. He didn’t even care about her now that she wasn’t his anymore. She wanted him to pay for that. What she didn’t know was the real reason Tarik was silent though. It wasn’t because he hated her. But she didn’t know that.
“It’s no wonder she didn’t tell you. She was probably hoping that whilst searching for me you’d get lost and never return. Or maybe she just never told you, because she just never stopped loving him and didn’t want to hurt your poor little feelings. Poor feeble Tarik, that will be why she killed your sister won’t it?” Tarik gasped, and Amala instantly regretted it. She couldn’t seem to stop though. Once she started she could never stop. “I don’t know why she even married you to start with. Ooh I know! It was just a gamble she had to see how long you would believe her for. And how much of your life she could possibly ruin. Yes, that’ll be it.”
“But you know what’s the worst thing is though daddy? You spent years and years searching for me because you say you love me. But if you really love me then answer me this? What’s so special about today?”
Tarik thought hard for a moment, and then shook his head. “I don’t know Amala. Why don’t you tell me? I’m sure you’re going to anyway.”
“Well if you cared nearly as much as you claim you do, then you’d know this. Why is today so special daddy? Because it’s…it’s my birthday today,” She choked on the words and suddenly the tears began streaming down her face. Tarik couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t believe it. He had forgotten his daughter’s birthday, after all these years.
“Amala, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.” He attempted to say, but Amala turned away from him and walked over to the corner of the room. She sat down, facing away from Tarik, but her muffled voice continued to speak.
“No you didn’t realise. Why would you? See daddy you never really loved me. I always knew that. But I still actually cared when I told you about Zahur. I didn’t want to tell you. But I had too.” She sobbed, her face blotted with tears.
“Why did you have to tell me Amala?” Tarik asked curiously. He knew that wasn’t the thing to be worrying about right then but he couldn’t help himself.
“Yes Amala, why did you have to tell him?” a voice said from the doorway, as Amala backed away into the corner. Zahur dropped Kesi’s limp body on the floor and walked towards her grandfather.
The entire time Amala had been attacking Tarik, her grandfather had been doing something entirely different. He had somehow managed to loosen the ropes around his aching wrists, just enough to pull his hands out. As Amala hadn’t even seemed to notice him there anymore, he had reached down and untied his ankles. So when Zahur walked over, he easily stood upright next to Zahur.
“Zahur, finally you’re here. Now,” he ordered strictly. “Take him down.”
Zahur just laughed. He pushed the grandfather to the floor and stood over him, his foot placed down firmly on his quivering chest.
“Now listen to me old man,” he hissed “You might need me, but I don’t need you anymore. So if you want my advice, you’d better run.” Zahur released his foot, and left him lying on the floor gasping for breath. He hastily scrambled to his feet, and looked at everyone worriedly. The thoughts kept running through his head. He had not a single friend in this whole room. His entire control and power over everyone he had ever dominated had suddenly been lost, never to be found again.
Realising this he made a sudden dash for the door, and sprinted outside. No one even noticed him leave; they had their own scores to settle. Straight after he was gone Zahur sat down in a large green armchair right beside Kesi’s unmoving body, and grinned.
“So how is everyone then?”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Aw, ok. Then I totally appologize. I hail from the states. Sorry, again.
Hiya, Hippygirl. As I promised, I returned. Now, that I am fully rested, let's have a look shall we?
I re-read your whole story, and I must say, when I ignored the miniscule editing details, this story is interesting. The one thing I enjoyed is the character's names; very original. They sound old fashioned.
Towards the middle, where I left off, I didn't catch a tremendous amount of mistakes.
There should be a period after today.Now...the dreaded grammar. We all love that, don't we?
This sentence does not make sense. I would consider revising it.
There is also a few words I would run a spell check on, such as 'realise.' It is actually spelled realize.
This is aggravating because I don't know what she said that you said she said. See? I'd try to find a clearer way to say that, unless you want to keep us in the dark.
He doens't mean that, does he?
So maybe there's more to what she says next than pure spite.
Beyond that, I'm just confused. How do you expect us to really critique, hippyhill, if we don't know what's going on?
~Jacquie~
Ooh! Okay, I'm interested. I'll have to look at the beginning first. I despise having to start in the middle of a story. I hope the first twelve chapters are easy to find...
*mournful wail* You don't HAVE the other 11 chapters! I shall be lost forever unless you get it published!
~Jacquie~
Hello. This story seems alright, but honestly I was lost. My fault for not reading the first twelve chapters of your book. So, I will point out a few flaws in unneeded words.
First, I am not too fond with your use of the word 'even.' It is repetitive, something I personally run into all the time with the words 'still' and 'had.'
I do not think the word just should be used. It is the second sentence. Where I have italicized; these to me sounds better rearranged, like this: Amala's grandfather sat with his hands clasped tightly together.
Third sentence; the word 'had' is being used twice. Try this and see if you like it:
He hadn't since Amala said what she thought.
Fourth sentence; using two words in the same sentence is a no-no.
Fifth sentence; I suggest to remove the word 'because.' It is unnecessary. Also where I italicized this sentence, I think you should remove the word 'ever' and maybe replace it with truly after loved and end the sentence. Try this to finish it off:
Why would his best friend contribute a heart wrenching act? By this sentence, or something similar, you have shortened and it has the dramatic effect. The last sentence is very confusing to me, though I kind of understand. I suggest to try and edit it so it is more clear.
Again, the word 'even' is extra and us useless, in my opinion. Fourth sentence; that evil word again. Yes, you guessed it - 'even.'
The only sentence I see here that might sounds better is the first:
"Because it's true. I'm sorry daddy, but well... your not my daddy anymore," she laughed viciously, then continued, (then carry on the dialog as it is).
The word 'cos' I am not sure about. I think it should be 'cause.' But then again, maybe this is your character's dialect. Thought it was a typo.
Alright. I am suggesting to remove the word 'even' entirely from your story.
This is a good part, which I liked. You used 'and' a little too much but other than that, It was discriptive. I can clearly understand the unhappyness here.
You only need to use 'but' once. Decide where it fits best.
About the rest; I sincerely apologize but I must continue another time. While, I think this story has potential, I have also been writing nonstop for days. I am working a historical fiction piece and when I receive a few ZZ's, I will try and return to your story. Hopefully, through my comments, you understand the concepts and maybe can edit and fool around with vocabulary and sentence structures.
Good luck.