Published February 14, 2005
There was no alarm this morning. I opened my eyes and never shut them again.
The wooden seat was still warm when I descended the stairs, the mug of coffee and pantry light flooding onto the cold floorboards because he never wakes up quite early enough for that. I’ll say that the morning was cold but I didn’t mind so much, my feet perhaps, so I pulled on some socks and sat on them on the sofa. It's almost 5.
It’s so hard to eat now, to buy the food and to bring it to my lips, and when I do I put it down again for no reason really at all. If not to keep my strength up, if only I could rest my head on the bench at work and see nothing then how wonderful if I could just sleep forever. And all the people in the park wouldn’t see me lying on the bench in the snow because they never take the time to look when they're walking their precious little dogs [and children], and I could sleep then, and talk to them sometimes, but only if I want to. I’m not Mr Badger. No fucking way. But neither is my door hidden beneath tankards of white snow and frozen branches. I feel so sick and I’m not that sure why.
I’m not sorry I didn’t write.
They keep telling you as they walk past, “We didn’t start the fire,” but they did. You know they did, and you also know that the song and all the other songs would rhyme and sound so much better if it had said we didn’t light it and we didn’t try to fight it either, and were not that sorry once it’s out. It wasn’t rhyming in the beginning and nothing made enough sense to be quite ridiculous, not really.
That’s the problem with your songs. We’re not the cops, the fucking radical or the murderer, we’re sure as hell not the judge nor hurricane himself. We’re stupid little Patty Valentine, but for all that and some shit with the riots in 67’ and the Vietnam war [again] no one has a damn clue.
Why not.
(and just so you know, dear reader. it wasn't a question. i'm not asking you anything.)
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
So I can tell that you wrote this with a lot of passion. It is evident in your choice of words and the way that you frame your sentences. Each word hits with a different tone and leaves an impact, forcing you to listen. However the problem with this is, that we don't really get what this is about. As the writer you know what you are writing, what you are feeling, and what you are trying to show through your writing. However, unless you convey that idea or that vision to us, your readers will remain clueless. The impactful writing won't matter then, because we wouldn't be able to connect with the story or feel what you are trying to make us feel.
I found a lot of emotions lying underneath this piece - there is anger, frustration, and a hint of resentment. I can't be sure because I don't know the story. See, that's where you are falling short. It feels more like a vent to me and it won't be a story until you give us some content so that we can understand.
Grammatically, I did not come across any big mistakes. The sudden change of narration was a little startling for me. You narrate the entire story in the first person, and then towards the ending you switch to second person. That transition can be a little jarring if you don't clear it up for the readers.
One nitpick.
It will be "how wonderful would it be". You are missing a couple of words there.
That's all.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Uhhhhhhh
What Emma said. I didn't get it. Still liked it though, and a 13+ thingy should be put up, no? I liked "It’s so hard to eat now, to buy the food and to bring it to my lips, and when I do I put it down again for no reason really at all."
Sorry, but I didnt get this... I never get anything though....
Its very good! Good use of languge! 'fuck' and others.
Are you able to put up a parental sign up? (13+) As its not very suitable for such young ages...
OMG! Im sounding like a granny!