Hey!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
So I can tell that you wrote this with a lot of passion. It is evident in your choice of words and the way that you frame your sentences. Each word hits with a different tone and leaves an impact, forcing you to listen. However the problem with this is, that we don't really get what this is about. As the writer you know what you are writing, what you are feeling, and what you are trying to show through your writing. However, unless you convey that idea or that vision to us, your readers will remain clueless. The impactful writing won't matter then, because we wouldn't be able to connect with the story or feel what you are trying to make us feel.
I found a lot of emotions lying underneath this piece - there is anger, frustration, and a hint of resentment. I can't be sure because I don't know the story. See, that's where you are falling short. It feels more like a vent to me and it won't be a story until you give us some content so that we can understand.
Grammatically, I did not come across any big mistakes. The sudden change of narration was a little startling for me. You narrate the entire story in the first person, and then towards the ending you switch to second person. That transition can be a little jarring if you don't clear it up for the readers.
One nitpick.
If not to keep my strength up, if only I could rest my head on the bench at work and see nothing then how wonderful if I could just sleep forever.
It will be "how wonderful would it be". You are missing a couple of words there.
That's all.
Keep writing and have a great day!
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