Rewrote the first two verses. Here's the first version for comparison:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/haven235/...
Plus I took advantage of the Miku contest and downloaded the trial version. So for once here's a track with a followable melody:
https://app.box.com/s/xf5zrxrc8qa6nsmpa2yt74f29r2s...
Thinking of entering the contest too with this song if I haven't disqualified myself by sharing it.
Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read this. Lemme know which version is better...
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Crash...
then do it all over again
until I drown myself in it.
Crash...
I was finally shipwrecked
and now I'm drifting back to you!
I tried to salvage what I've found
as I floated back to the surface.
What petty ambition has garnered me
sits pretty on this small plank
that somehow manages to hold us all
as the waves carry me back to
You!
Chasing tails and going around and round I'm stumbling,
Seeking gems so beautiful
Oh they're so fine
But none of them are as fine as you...
Sailing, looking at
Blank maps to lead me towards
Empty treasure chests
All the fool's gold's gone...
Chasing tails and going around and round I'm stumbling,
Dropping gems so beautiful
Oh they're so fine
But none of them are as fine as you...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi Haven! I am a freelance songwriter and singer! And its just perfect!
The lyrics wonderful! And with some work done it can be a pretty good song. You should try the type of accent and melody from Thinking Out Loud in some points.
Well my favourite part would be the last verse!
And anyway if you need any help from me regarding the song just let me know! I am always ready help!
And If you want me sing it for suggesting, just ask!
I really like this version. Good luck! You got a wonderful future !
~MeherazulAzim16
You write songs yourself? We should collab sometime! Thanks for the review.
So I thought I'd listen to the mp3 first, and for the first 30 seconds I was trying to fit the lyrics into the music myself. I didn't realise that the lyrics hadn't actually started yet. XD So it was quite funny when you (I assume it's you?) started singing, I felt like a complete idiot. In a good way though.
I reckon the tune is top notch. It was easy to follow and my ears didn't hurt afterwards, which is always a good thing, right? Not being a songwriter or anything, I'm not really sure how you could improve it, so sorry about the lack of advice. It just sounds good to me.
I love the story you've weaved into the song. My favourite line would be fool's gold gone. Basically, it's good and I don't know what else to write in this review.
Thanks for the review! Haha I don't sing. I wish I could sing. Would make cranking out demos WAY easier. Anyways I used a Japanese synthesized voice software to create the vocals, and I know you won't bother to read this with much attention, but as stated in the desc there is a contest, and your "thoughts" give me confidence.
I am so happy that I could help you with your confidence! And you're welcome! (Y)
Welcome