What Once Was

huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuffffffffffffffffff.......................thats something dripping with feelings........

Alright...to be honest, everything I'm about to say is probably based on emotion...

I'm actually crying right now

Why, you may ask?

Because, I had a experience quite like this only a few months ago.

I met him at youth group
I dated him for 5 months
We had to hide our relationship due to his family not approving of him dating, and we met in secret at school

We broke up when it was leaked by a parent that he was with me, and he was cut off from me. His mom took his phone, ipod, disable his twitter and facebook, and wouldn't allow him to go to my youth group, just so he wouldn't be able to contact me. The last actual conversation we had was a short 10 minute phone call when his mother forced him to break up with me...with no emotion he said it was over, and that we needed to grow up before he hung up on me...

Since then...it's been rather hard...and reading this just brought back that time

I love him...I honestly do...

I know how this girl feels, and because of that, I connected and loved this, even though I'm in tears.

Good job
~Maddie

Good piece of writing...I love this feeling called love...You have carved a beautiful picture out of this although it is a bit painful..But, what is love if there is no pain????? I know that it's hard to pen down a personal experience of heartbreak, but look what it has given to you!!! it has given you something to write about!!! That's the magic of love:-) whatever happens in love, you can (and you desire) to express it to everyone in one way or the other..

"The whole school knew you and the whole school knew me.

But they didn't know us."

I liked these lines very much...it has, if i can say so, (forgive me if i am wrong) an ironic element to it....good use...

The ending is quite appreciable...It speaks of the agonizing reality...the whole story flows in a mood of sadness, with few touches of happiness to it..but these happiness overshadows the sad flow of the story...That's again the magic of love!!!!

I specially like the description of the lover through the word "you" which means to me that you don't want to give any other identity to your love, be it fictional....For you, he'll be the only one....Right???? Well done:-)

Hey, harshita! Here to review your story

I thought this was really beautiful. I can see the emotion coming through with it all, yet it didn't overtake the whole piece which is always a good skill to use. I also think that this was written pretty well and I like the style that this piece is in, it keeps it entertaining and keeps the reader wanting to read more, which is great so well done!

My first suggestion is about the second half of the piece and the fact it's just 1-2 line paragraphs. I think it's a really effective technique to use, however if it's used loads then it starts to lose is pazzaz (totes a word). And by this I just mean if you have loads of one-line paragraphs, then they'll start to lost it's meaning a bit. So maybe you could combine some of the sentences so that there's more than one line in the paragraphs, and leave out the particularly strong lines to be by themselves. Because, they are really strong lines, so you want them to stick with the reader but that's not going to happen if they all look the same.

Generally, you did a good job at keeping a balance between the emotional bits and the descriptive bits. However to make that more clear, I think I'd like to see some more descriptive bits. Maybe you could revert back to talking about specific things and events that happened. Obviously if this is based on something personal it might be hard to do this and I totally understand, but I think it could make it more your own and give it your own touch.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this- you've used some really cool techniques such as emotive language and it just worked really well. Next steps would be to perhaps include talking about more specific things, if you want to. But generally, this was great! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~Arc x

Awww...those last few lines were very emotional. Personally this is something everyone can relate to, including me, because love is so very much exactly like this these days. You have written a very accurate piece on how a rejected heartbroken girl thinks like when it feels like the end of the world for her. This is pretty amazing.

~"Not one day goes when I don't think of it all.

Not one day goes when I don't shed my tears over it.

Not one day goes when I don't think of or shed my tears over you.."

In two lines you talk about her "shedding her tears" over two different things. When you say it out loud, it sounds kind of repetitive. And in the first line you say you never not think about it, but then in the third line you say you never not think of...him? I think you missed a word there.

Maybe you should say instead:
~"Not one day goes when I don't think of it all.

Not one day goes when I don't shed my tears over it.

Not one day goes when I don't think of you or cry over why it was you."

Or something along those lines. Just make sure you don't repeat a phrase or a word because then it gets boring for the readers to see the same kinds of writings over and over. But besides that, you're pretty good!

~"I loved you, in every way there is to love. I console myself by thinking that maybe for a little while, you did too."

^This. This is something I can relate to so much it just makes me want to cry again. You've done an excellent job making this whole piece feel real and feel true to the readers who have gone through the same thing, with these same thoughts.

This is a beautifully amazing piece and I applaud you! Highly anticipating your next piece! Good luck and keep doing what you do you're great!

~R

Hey! Runawaylove here to review your work

This story made me nostalgic. You have successfully described everything a girl feels when her heart is broken. Some people say that the girl should have seen it but love makes us blind and unable to the the most obvious thing. Anyways back to the review. Your descriptions were beautiful. Specially this paragraph:

"Running away from the crowded school corridors and hiding away in empty classrooms. Throwing dirty looks at those who wouldn't leave us alone. Bunking classes occasionally and hiding away in the auditorium. Squashing the rumours about us and pretending to be 'Just Friends'. Stolen glances and hidden smiles. Escaping the watchful eyes of the teachers. And running away from my mother. Snatched conversations between classes. Secret meetings."

"They call it 'Love At First Sight'. But for me, it was Love At Every Sight."

This line is the story of my life. We are not together but it still applies. Everytime I see him in the school in the canteen, across the corridor, I can not stop myself from falling in love with him. I guess you understand that feeling.

This is beautifully written and it reached out to me. Keep writing! I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories. Oh and by the way I have a poem based on an experience sililar to yours. Last Summer You can check it out if you want to

Ok here is a review for you.

The main thing I would like to raise an issue on is your change of perspectives.
This is a short story. At the start you refer to the guy as "him".At the end you refer to him as "you."
I really think It would be better if you stuck to one or the other, (probably you in this case would most suit it) This is because at the end its like you are telling him all of this except you were referring to him in the third person which seems strange.

I think your phrasing was nice, easy to understand and it all had a good flow. Only one line seems kind of abrupt which was

So it was with this cliched line that the most meaningful thing in my life came to an end.