Prologue
The metal of the photo frame was cold against my fingers. I looked down at the picture of me and him together taken a month before that dreadful day. As I slipped the picture out of the photo frame and let the frame fall to the ground, I looked around me and started thinking.
Sometimes we don’t know why things happen. We spend a lot of time thinking about reasons. We wonder would it be different if we weren’t what we are? We wonder why we do or don’t have a sibling.
But if there’s one thing we wonder the most about, it’s the people in our life. We wonder why one particular person became our best friend. We wonder why someone else became our enemy, and that’s when our mind goes, seriously God? You couldn’t find someone else to ruin my life? Did it have to be this jerk??
Yes, we all have questions like that, and many more. But we rarely have answers. I know that I never have these answers. I’d given up on even registering such stuff in my mind. But then circumstances changed. People changed. Some came, and others left.
Now , as I’m surrounded by so many people, I automatically glance at the picture in my hand and think, Why did I meet Daksh Saigal?
(All reviews and opinions are welcome.... Please feel free to respond..!!)
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"I looked down at the picture of me and him together taken a month before that dreadful day"
Nice start, I like the subtle hint of foreshadow you use here. Although you have a short comma error, this should be: "I looked down at the picture of me and him together, taken a month before that dreadful day."
I think you should break the next line into two sentences, also this seems like a dramatic moment so describe what the photo frame does when it hits the ground. Does the wood crack, does it clang loudly on the marble floor, does the frame shatter?
"Sometimes we don't know why things happen. We spend..."
You usually use fragment sentences effectively, but if you can ever avoid using a fragment sentence in your writing, do so. So just connect these two sentences with a comma.
"rarely have answers. I know that..."
Same comment from my previous note. Connect this with a comma rather than a period.
"Now , as I’m surrounded by so many people, I automatically glance at the picture in my hand and think, Why did I meet Daksh Saigal?"
Ok firstly, I think this was a minor typo error, but the comma should be directly after "now" with no space. Also you should put a colon after "think" instead of a comma.
I like the start of this piece. I can't wait to read more here, I think so far the only issue you're having is a few minor grammar and flow errors but certainly lacking some potential awesome imagery possibilities. Always take those whenever you have the chance. On to the next chapter! Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hey Harshita!
I loved how you started this off. It was a little sad, dark and it doesn't leave the reader with confusion. In fact, it gives us an exact image of where you could be, what situation you're in and the thoughts that run over your mind. But there are things you need to tweak a little and that's why, I'm here to help you.
This prologue reminded me of myself, to be frank. Because maybe, I've gone through the same feelings of the character and things had gone a little bad.
Tweaks:
1. While writing this, you should have described your characters a little so it gives us a small image of who all play the role.
2. Now, there's a little bit of confusion in this prologue.
and
The picture had slipped from your hand a few minutes back, but the pictures back on the hand again. Did she pick it up? Or is she glancing at it from the ground?
3. The same sentence as above,
"As I slipped the picture out of the photo frame and let the frame fall to the ground, I looked around me and started thinking."
'As I slipped' doesn't sound too right. It just slips from your hand due to the shock. So, that part wasn't appropriate. You could have described it better.
'started thinking' also sounds a little wrong. You could have wrote "my mind popped questions that were so uncertain," or something close to that.
4. Vocabulary. I think to make a prologue look alive, you need to use vocabulary that gives a strong effect to the story so, that you get the feelings across.
5. "jerk??"
Question marks are a little attracting, aren't they? But you got to get rid of one to make it just one question mark. Don't worry, a question remains a question with that mark.
6. Short Prologue. I thought this was sort of short, so I would recommend you to write more to this. At least make it a full page or so.
Overall:
There's space for you to improve. Just work on your sentences, vocabulary, clear out the confusions and lengthen your stories. You're a good writer and you'll get better, I'm sure! For now, I'll rate it 7/10.
Thanks for posting! I enjoyed reading it.
Keep Writing! ~
ChocoCookie
Nice writing, it's kind of choppy though. Your story needs better sentence flow. I like it, but it's just too much, kind of like your trying to hard. Your story just needs some smoothing out. I suggest that instead of just focusing on the questions, make her look for some answers. Don't tell everything, just give some more to get the reader hooked. Should be good after that.
The that caught my attention, and not in a good way, was the whole "we" section. It just doesn't feel very well-handled, and perhaps it's because I'm not part of the intended audience, but you lost me there because those are not really things I wonder about, or in that way. I think, since the narrator is the one who is supposed to be thinking, that if you killed the "we" and made it so that the wonderings were based in "I" instead, it would make that section much stronger because people who wonder the same things would be able to relate, but people who don't would be able to appreciate the narrator's wonderings instead of going "But I don't wonder that." and thus feel alienated.
The other thing I noticed was that you suddenly switched tenses near the end. You start out in past tense, but then you suddenly switch to present, and it makes the when of the story all muddled and confused. I strongly recommend picking a tense and sticking with it.
The last paragraph also struck me as being a bit awkward. I think it would be stronger if you omitted the direct thought and just mentioned it in the narration. Something like: "I glanced at the picture in my hand and wondered why I met Daksh Saigal."
But my main issue with this is the whole "we" section, and I really think this prologue would be much stronger if you got rid of addressing the reader entirely.