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The Art of Deception.

by hareem013


I look around the room and see shards of glass neatly piled up on the floor. I step forward and my mind wonders, what is the story behind this glass? What has happened to it? I am a dreadfully curious person, and when I don't get an answer, I make up one in mind.



A dapper man in a fancy suit must've been sipping his extravagant dom perignon from this glass, trying to score a deal with the business man in front of him. He looks around the enormous hall and admires the adornments, golden lights hanging from the wall, stunning chandeliers hanging on the wall, and soft classic music playing in the background, and suddenly someone bumps into him and the glass slips from his grip and crashes onto the floor. "Sorry" the man says to no one. Every time that word was spoken from his mouth, it was never meant.

I come back to reality and pick up a piece of the glass and examine it.

Realization hits me like a wild thunderstorm.

These are the pieces of my broken soul, which slipped carelessly from the hands of the world and shattered.

The world has deceived me.

Once again.

And I fell for it.

Once again.


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10 Reviews

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Sat Feb 04, 2023 6:25 am
RavenNaal wrote a review...



This story was very unique! Starting off with a mystery, leading into a possibility, then right into a big reveal is all super fun to read. It was a very short rollercoaster of thoughts. The blend of realism with the simple broken glass and dapper man, as well as the fantasy of a broken soul is transitioned surprisingly well. Its clear what the story is and leaves little questions. Nice job! It was a fun read!




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Sat Feb 04, 2023 4:55 am
thelizardking wrote a review...



This is really good! I enjoyed the paragraph about the fictional man -- it was a brief yet compelling image of a mysterious character in an extravagant setting. The contrast between this and the narrator's reality is another intriguing aspect, as it shows their fantastical thoughts being "shattered" by the coldness of reality. One thing I would like to see expanded is the setting of the narrator's reality -- what room are they in? Who neatly piled the glass on the floor?




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Thu Jan 19, 2023 3:28 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite the piece here. You've really managed to pack quite a lot into this despite it being such a small piece here. It definitely leaves you with quite a lot to think about too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I look around the room and see shards of glass neatly piled up on the floor. I step forward and my mind wonders, what is the story behind this glass? What has happened to it? I am a dreadfully curious person, and when I don't get an answer, I make up one in mind.


Ooooh this is a fun little note to start off with. We've got ourselves quite the interesting character there, just someone who appears to be a rather curious soul when it comes to life in general, even if its a simple pile of random glass shards. Its an oddly relatable point at least for me and I think it ends up making for an interesting little opening here. There's already a little connection we feel for this person.

A dapper man in a fancy suit must've been sipping his extravagant dom perignon from this glass, trying to score a deal with the business man in front of him. He looks around the enormous hall and admires the adornments, golden lights hanging from the wall, stunning chandeliers hanging on the wall, and soft classic music playing in the background, and suddenly someone bumps into him and the glass slips from his grip and crashes onto the floor. "Sorry" the man says to no one. Every time that word was spoken from his mouth, it was never meant.


Well that's quite the story to imagine there. You can almost get a slight hint of this other person's own mental state and outlook on life through that and I love it, especially with just how much it leaves up to you to imagine there cause beyond this being a simple story or a reflection of this other person's outlook on life there's a whole host of other ways to see it too.

I come back to reality and pick up a piece of the glass and examine it.

Realization hits me like a wild thunderstorm.

These are the pieces of my broken soul, which slipped carelessly from the hands of the world and shattered.

The world has deceived me.

Once again.

And I fell for it.

Once again.


Oooh well that is quite the twist there for us to end on wow. I was not expecting things to go quite that way but it definitely ends up making the entire situation feel that much more powerful here. Its a wonderful little combination here. To go from simple and relatable to an abstract thought to this rather profound moment here of this person realizing this truth about themself. Its a powerful effect to end on and I love it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a short but very powerful little piece that you've got right here. I think it manages to really leave a bit of a lasting impression here. You certainly don't find yourself able to stop after just the one read through.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Wed Jan 18, 2023 11:45 pm
Cat_15 wrote a review...



Hello! I just wanted to say that I thought your piece was very abstract and original. I like the deep description of the bolded paragraph; it paints a clear picture of this man.

Initial thoughts:

I enjoyed how you made up a story for the shards of glass at the beginning. This is something that I do this quite often, and it was a little humorous to see another's thought process through it. The ending was kind of a twist. I feel we could've used a little more context into the character and exactly how they were "Deceived." When I read this piece, I kind of broke the ending into two parts: the uninitialized, and the rest of the initialized. It makes me think that the character is just hit with this blow of realization and after the thunderstorm part it all kind of races. I don't know if this was your intent, but that is how I think of it.

Things I like:

Like I said before, I liked the description of the man in the bolded paragraph. I also like how you don't just talk about him but his surroundings, what he is holding, and even going as far as his drink. It describes a great imagination, and I like that.

Things that could be expanded:
I think you had a great idea here, but I feel you might need something in between the bolded paragraph and the conclusion. When reading I think of the main character as a detective of sorts, who once again, was misled by a clue. It is a little unclear what your actual intent was for this character, and it leads me to think that this is part of a bigger story, in which case I would love to learn more.

Overall I think that this is a great story, I just could use a little more context in the transition from the bold paragraph to the last part. Great Job!

-Cat




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Wed Jan 18, 2023 10:24 pm
the1anonomous says...



Wow. I really wasn't expecting that ending, but it really all came together. I love the abstract feeling that it gives off. I also love the way that the sentences flow into each other, and the exploration of imagination combined with reality. The broken up sentences at the end really feed into the idea the the character is broken, and missing something, which I adore.




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Tue Jan 17, 2023 11:10 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, and welcome to the site! I hope you’re having a great day or night!

This was a fascinating read, covered head-to-toe in fun figurative language and stunning word choice. I particularly liked the line,

Realization hits me like a wild thunderstorm.


As the prior reviewer mentioned, much of this story is left up to interpretation, which I really like. I read this to be about memory, the empty room an analogy for the main characters mind. The final set of quotes-

The world has deceived me.

Once again.

And I fell for it.

Once again.


-make me think that time has been stolen from this character. That, in this moment, they are reminded of their own mortality.

Regardless of what you intended though, this scene invoked a visceral reaction in me, which is very impressive considering your limited word count! However, though I do think this work is already very effective, I would’ve liked to see you expand on this more. Particularly the bit about the ‘dapper man.’ I wish we knew a little more about him. If we could see this story fleshed out just a tad more, I think this story would really shine!

However, that's just my opinion. As it is, this is a brilliant stroke of genius! I'm amazed that you accomplished so much in so little time. Your writing took my breath away. I'd love to see more stellar works like this in the future!

With that said, keep on writing, and have a great day/night! :D




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Tue Jan 17, 2023 6:30 pm
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waterfalls wrote a review...



hello! welcome to YWS 😃

I love this piece so much. The suspense and drama, the entire impression of it is so enthralling, it's very poetic. I love how the protagonist makes up a story themselves to fit the theme of the broken glass.

These are the pieces of my broken soul, which slipped carelessly from the hands of the world and shattered.


I love this line so much, it's so figurative and lyrical.

I love your vocabulary, your sentence structure, and the imagery used here. Each word has so much depth. The entire story is pretty alluring, but I feel it was cut short. There are so many things to further dive deep into, and I feel all that could really enhance and improve your story because it has so much potential. The idea is so powerful, the broken glass, the deception, the dapper man, everything, which makes you want the story to be longer.

There are just so many questions, who is this person? what exactly was the deception? what realization? what did the dapper man do exactly?

but, if your story was meant to be entirely mysterious (which, it is, right?) you definitely perfected that part. you were able to create something so intense and significant so quickly,
below 300 words. and, sometimes, the magic of storytelling is just that.

Great job, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

btw, I love your pfp. Bye!




hareem013 says...


to answer your question, it is supposed to be mysterious, that is the reason why it is cut short, and thanks alott for your review, appreciate it!!



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Tue Jan 17, 2023 2:48 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to the site! Lim here to leave you a review.

General Impressions

The end of this story and the way it progressed generally felt a bit surprising to me. The story felt abstract and the ending seemed ambiguous. I was left wondering if this room is meant to be a place in the world or if it’s simply in the main character’s mind. I think the meaning of the story could be along the lines of living life as a lie? I interpreted the bolded vision of the “dapper man” as perhaps being the same person as the main character. Perhaps he had a lot of regrets mingling with the rich and being forced to behave in an insincere way and not be true to himself. I found it interesting that this scene was “made up” by the main character but at the same time there is a real connection between the glass breaking in the scene and the shattered glass the main character is holding in the end.

Glows – What I liked

Something I liked was how the narration showed the main character’s personality and perhaps social background as well. I could interpret the “I” and the “man” as being the same person because I can imagine someone who says things like “dreadfully curious” would also be likely to describe themselves as “dapper”. They also sound very authoritative to be thinking things like ‘if no one’s going to give me an answer, I’ll do it myself!’. So I can imagine them being a businessperson of some sort.

I also like the idea of the story. Characters waking up alone in a room is a pretty common thing to see, but I thought you created a fresh take on it by adding the shards of glass that turn out to be the narrator’s broken soul. It’s almost like a poetic metaphor that has become literal or more tangible anyhow for this person.

Grows – Ideas to consider

Something I wish the story had more of was descriptions of how exactly the ‘deception’ occurred. For instance, ‘scoring a deal’ does not necessarily involve deception. So it would be nice to know things like: was the man lying about his business in order to score the deal? Was he pretending to be richer than he was by dressing a certain way and attending fancy events? Was he putting on a show to get what he wanted, and how was he doing it? By talking down to the waiters and waitresses? Showing off a diamond ring? That sort of thing would help make the story stronger, I think.

A side note: While I like the way the hall was described, I couldn’t help but notice there were two descriptions that ended with “the wall”, which felt a bit awkward.
Another thing to experiment with would be to add more hints as to what ‘happened’ in the story? Sometimes it can be good to leave things up to the reader’s imagination. My imagination personally struggled a bit with figuring out what the “Once again” referred to. Is it that the first deception happened in the hall, and the second one in the room (main character is deceived to think his soul is just pieces of glass)?

Overall

I thought this was an interesting concept for a story with a good use of the first-person voice. If you are planning to edit/ revise this or write more stories, my main suggestion would be to describe more specific actions and events that lead up to important themes in your character’s life, such as ‘being deceived’.

Hope this helps and let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim




hareem013 says...


hey, ty for the review, at the end "once again" i wanted to create a sense of mysteriousness and leaving it up to the reader's imagination and this room is not the actual world but a place in the person's mind (just clearing it up) this was my first work , do you think its an "ok" as it being my first?



Liminality says...


Yeah, I think this is a good first! Myself and other reviewers have all found lots of good qualities that this story has. In my opinion, improving one's writing is a continuous process, so the quality of your first work or even your second shouldn't be a rigid/ fixed standard on how far you can go. c: The important thing is to keep writing! Reviewing and looking at how other people structure their stories is also great for a beginner writer, and actually, for writers at any level (which is partly why I review works :D)




You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote