I can not escape from You,I can not hide from You.
If I live, love and dwell in light you are there.
If I walk, run, and leap in darkness you are there.
From the very first day of life, you made a light to rule the day, and one to rule the night.
There is nothing that can take me away from you.
My feelings will lie to me, my emotions will trick me, and my heart will deceive me.
But You are still here, a truth that still remains.
A truth that does not flee, even when death calls my name.
A truth that does not run away, even on the darkest of days.
You are here and You are now there is nothing that can change your truth that still remains.
Forever and always You are with me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey!
So, this is my first review in a while, so congratulations you get to be the lucky recipient of most likely a mediocre review. Nah, I'll do my best!
pros
1) this was filled with emotion, it is obvious that it is there and you do a rather good job at showing it. You can do a whole lot better I'm sure, but it's good. You know what you are talking about and the emotions you want to convey and are doing a good job at it!
2) the flow is really good. This is extra impressive considering the fact that you have some long lines and making them flow onto the next and within each other can be tricky for some people. You have this really mellow, soft rhythm that just makes everything feel really light even though the context itself isn't overly light.
cons
1) your choice of words and sentence structure at times is a bit off. Whilst repetition can be a good thing, if it's over used it can turn out to be meaningless and makes the reading of the poem awkward at time. For example here:
The repetition of light makes that sentence read funny. I suggest something like:
From the very first day of life you made a light to rule the day, and one to rule the night
Do you see how that simply flows a bit better, because you don't have to struggle over light twice in a sentence. It also shows that you can be diverse as a writer.
2) this is harder to fix. For me I like reading poems that a different, ones in which I don't know what to expect, that's why I find sonnets and ballads rather dull because they get a repetitive in their content and obviously their style. One thing to keep the reader interested in making each line inviting, you need to get them to read the next line and the next and the next. To do this you need to start your lines in a good way. Using simple joining words or words such as 'and' 'if' 'but' aren't too interesting. Of course it's not always easy to avoid, and sure most poems have at least one line starting with 'a' or 'and', but your problem is that it's basically every line. You write well, you have good sentence structure, but you need to play around and experiment, don't always go for the safe option. It is hard, and something I struggle with. Making my lines not always start with 'so', but it's all about word placement and how you construct your poems. There are better people out there to help than me, so ask around in the forums and what not and I'm sure you will find an intelligent person to help
3) check your spelling, decive is deceive. Also, your grammar can be tweaked a bit, you seem to have a lot of commas.
overall
You did a great job, and all the things I told about will start to come the more you write and edit and learn and create and grow. You have a lovely style and a lot of emotion. Please keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work
Thank you! I really apricate all the help I can get!
Greetings. o7
Well, that was quite feely. When I read that I couldn't help but draw some parallels to some things I've said to loved ones in the past (no I'm not crying (yet)), and it caught my attention with the emotions that were put into it. You did a very good job of creating this sort of resounding, almost overbearing feeling of realization within it, for you and the person you are talking about. The part that interested me the most was how strongly you were able to make the emotions within it, they all seemed raw but focused and surrounding at the same time, and despite how raw they seemed they also managed to give both a melancholy and a sense of solemnity to it. The writing as a whole was just very strong and well written, I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Solid 8.8/10.
Thank you! It is me crying to out Jesus!