Prologue:The Golden Egg

The Wizard of A'isha sat at his desk re reading the letter that had come days before. He had been waiting here in his dark cold castle for what seemed like years. He got up and walked to the the tall window that sat behind his desk. He searched the horizon for a sign that maybe someone was coming, but only saw a deer run back into the forest after getting a drink from the Ahava River.

He was wearing armor and on his shoulder was a black symbol.

“There is someone here to see you, sir” said the soldier in a low, rough voice.

Hi! I have never met you before!

This is a little cliche of boy-+-dragon, but we'll overlook that.

A couple of grammatical mistakes, too, but we'll overlook that, also.

Great characters. I was able to spot their characteristics as soon as they were introduced to me. Already I see a problem grwoing in the story. You've got me hooked! well done, mate!

thanks!

Well, I couldn't quite tell whether or not this is adapted from the Inheritance trilogy, and whether or not it takes place in that universe. There are some obvious similarities, such as Riders, dragon choosing the person, etc. If this is so, this should really be put in the Fanfiction forum. But anywho, to the review.

Replacements
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation
General Comments

The Wizard of A'isha sat at his desk re reading the letter that had come days before. He had been waiting here in his dark, cold castle for what seemed like years. He got up and walked to the tall window that sat behind his desk. He searched the horizon for a sign that maybe someone was coming, but only saw a deer run back into the forest, after getting a drink from the Ahava River.
I thought this paragraph was quite well thought out, and well written, apart from the highlighted mistakes.

The old man dropped his gaze to the floor in dissatisfaction. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Was the information that they sent correct, or had he just misunderstood them? It must have been accurate or the message wouldn’t have been that urgent.
This paragraph could do with some slight editing. Instead of "Was the information that they sent correct," a better sentence may have been "Was the information that had been sent correct..." Apart from this, the rest of it is ok, instead of, again, the highlighted corrections.

All of the sudden a tall soldier burst into the room. He was wearing armor and on his shoulder was a black symbol. In his right hand he held a sword and in the other he held a shield with the same black symbol. The man standing at the window was startled, and he jumped as he turned toward the door. “There is someone here to see you, sir” said the soldier in a low, rough voice.

“Yes, very good, send him in,” said the old man delightedly. He moved toward the door just as a tall black haired, dark eyed man entered the room. There was no need for the jump down a line here. When the old man saw him, his expression turned to disappointment. "Oh, hello Siyamak,” said the old man coldly. ”I was expecting to see you some time soon, even though I hoped I wouldn’t."
I don't know, maybe cut out the "even though I hoped I wouldn't" part, the speech is more effective without it. Also, I think "coldly" more accurately describes Ragnar's feelings towards Siyamak than "bluntly.

“And why ever not, Ragnar? Even a wizard in your position gets lonely all the way up here.” There seemed to be a tension between the two men.

“Yes, and if you don’t mind my asking, how did you get up to the castle? You don’t seem like the type who would like to climb.” This part is more effective without the "surely.

Siyamak smiled and said “You love to remind me of how I lost Kasch don’t you? You still get joy out of seeing me grieved about it.” Ragnar scowled, but Siyamak continued. “Oh well, that’s all behind me now. But even I know there are other ways of getting to your castle than with a dragon. Here, it should have been just "even", though that is not needed at all. I didn’t come all the way up here to bicker with you, though; I came here to seek information. Is it true there’s another egg? And this one I hear is golden?”

“I see you’ve been putting your nose in places it doesn’t belong again.”

“I wouldn’t call it that. Anyway, I believe I have the privilege to know about these types of things. Besides, it isn’t every day an egg comes along, and a golden egg is especially rare.”

“Well, I don’t know how you found out, but I suppose[/colour] I was expecting you would. [color=red]"Suppose" suits this style of talking better than "guess." The news about the egg isn’t supposed to be out until quite a while now, so I guess I should trust you to keep your mouth shut. Yet that is hard for even me to do.”

At this Siyamak smirked, “Well, let’s say we make a deal, shall we? I’ll keep quiet if you promise me that I can have that…….”

“You can never give up, can you Siyamak? But I suppose you have always been this selfish. I’ve already told you, the dragon chooses its owner, and I have no power over it. You already had a chance when Kasch choose you. I doubted giving him to you in the first place, but I knew I had to. And your actions only proved me right. I knew you couldn’t protect a dragon, even if it meant giving your own life. I gave you the chance, and you failed. And all that happened could have been avoided. Now it is time for other boys to have the chance. To have the glory of being a Rider. And I have no doubt that the next boy this dragon chooses will be much more responsible then you ever were. Stories will be told of you and Kasch all across the Empire, and those future Riders will be reminded of you. Of how you let Kasch down and let him die. They will remember you and learn not to make the mistakes that you did.”
The sentence I edited into two feels more effective and dramatic when broken up.

“You know what happened that day, Ragnar!” Siyamak eyes flashed with both anger and anguish. “Those soldiers …...those demons, they……”

Again the door flew open and the same soldier as before came in. He first glared at Siyamak, then he turned to Ragnar and said “It’s here, sir."

“Great!” cried Ragnar. He turned toward the soldier, who was about to leave, and said, “Oh, and Tarak.” He turned and faced him. “Would you mind seeing that my guest,” he gestured toward Siyamak, “makes it to the exit safely?”

“Yes, sir,” said Tarak.

Siyamak rolled his eyes as the three of them walked out the door,[/colour] and said, “You [color=blue]think I am that irresponsible, do you Ragnar?”

“No” said Ragnar as they stopped outside the door, “the thought of you being alone in a castle that holds a rare dragon egg... This seemed to be a place where Raganr trails off slightly. I just want to make sure there was no possibility of you getting lost. Farewell, Siyamak, and I hope to see you again some time soon.” Ragnar bowed his head, and Siyamak gave him one last blazing stare, before Tarak pulled him by the arm down the spiral staircase.

Ragnar watched Tarak and Siyamak climb down the stairs, Siyamak fighting and complaining the whole way. Once they were out of sight Ragnar started to climb up the stairs in the opposite direction. He climbed up until he reached the top of the tower, where the stairs ended at the end of a long dark hallway. At the other end was a door. The hallway was cold and the floors were wet and slippery from water coming in through the cracks in the walls. Ragnar carefully walked down the hallway until he reached the door. It was a big door and was made of the finest oak. Ragnar put his hand over the door knob and whispered, “Absiendo!” There was a small flash of light and the door slowly opened.

The room on the other side of the door was vast. Like the hallway the room was dark and the walls, ceiling, and floor were all made of a smoky colored stone. The inside of the room was also wet and cold from the cracks in the walls. The only window was up near the ceiling, and wasn’t even big enough for Ragnar to fit through. The room was empty except for a pedestal in the middle. You already used "room" once, you don't want to use it again in the same sentence. Atop the pedestal sat a giant golden egg. The egg was about the size of Ragnar’s head, but appeared that even with the slightest touch it could break in half. It was very beautiful, and if someone didn’t know what it was it could have been mistaken for real gold.
Ragnar walked slowly across the room to the egg. He examined the top of it, then carefully picked it up and rolled it over to inspect the bottom. The egg was flawless except for a long scratch on the bottom of it. The scratch went from the tip of the egg until the midsection.

“Those fools! I can’t believe they work for the empire. They can’t even perform one simple task.” He touched the egg softly with his fingers and he could feel that it was soft and smooth. “Let’s just hope it isn’t permanent.”
Unexpectedly, the door burst open and a rush of wind entered the room. Ragnar whirled around to find a man standing in the doorway. He was a young man, about the age of nineteen, and he had bronze colored hair with bright blue eyes.

“Ah, I was expecting you, Tupac,” said Ragnar in a loud whisper.

“Have you found who it has chosen yet?” asked Tupac eagerly.

“Not yet. I was waiting for you. Hurry now, shut the door and make sure it is locked.” Tupac did as he was told and rushed to Ragnar’s side. The new line wasn't needed here Ragnar took one last look around the room, then dropped his gaze to the egg. He put his hands over the egg and said softly, “Carguo ab atdor abi condio deligo” The egg started to glow and images of mountain and valleys.
Images of mountains and valleys what? I expect that in a fleeting moment of absent-mindedness you finished the sentence before you had... well... finished, if you know what I mean!

They both gazed into the egg for a few more moments. Then it showed them something that brought a surprised expression to both of their faces. They both looked at each other. Tupac looked back at the egg, then at Ragnar, and said in shock, “It can’t be……”

Ragnar looked into the egg and grinned. “But it is.”

I agree with everything. I have been trying to think of a new begining.

thanks for all of your addvice!

Hello gymnast_789 ^_^.

The following crit is going to sound a lot harsher than the other’s you’ve had so far. Please note that this isn’t me being mean, but me trying to help you.


- The opening paragraph bored me. And that is perhaps the worst thing an opening can do. When you open a story, you have to immediately grab the reader’s attention, and a description of the weather is never going to be able to do that. Start in the middle of a conversation, or action, or something that will really want to make the reader carry on.

- Your next paragraph describes a character to us. We have no idea who this man is and feel no connection to him. Don’t describe what he looks like - let him do stuff first. In prose, a character’s actions and personality are a thousand times more important than how they look.

- Your third paragraph describes a castle. I’m not interested in this castle, no matter how well you may describe it. It means nothing to me.

- Fourth paragraph we have more description. We don’t want description - we want action. We also still haven’t had any sort of plot introduced to us.

- It’s not until the seventh paragraph that anything happens. This paragraph should be your opening. As beautifully described as the first five paragraphs were, you don’t want them to open a story, nor do you want to bunch them all together like that. I highly recommend you making your seventh paragraph your first one (you’ll need to edit it a bit to make it fit though); you can slip in some (but I suggest, not all) of the description later in. Today I read a really good piece of advice - if you consider something to be ‘setting the scene’, cut it out.

- Once you get past the slow opening, everything picks up and the story takes off. This is what you wanted from the beginning. In my opinion, the slow beginning is this stories biggest weakness.


Hope this helped, and keep on writing .

Thanks for all of the advice. Be sure that I will be working more on this and adding more details to make it more intersting.

Just like the other comment about the discription, i read past that, and then had to read it, but its pretty good!
lyndzi

I think this was really interesting...a good start.
However, I don't think you should start with the words "Even though it was only two intervals until sundown, a thick fog..." It's not exactly a crash-bang start, if you know what I mean. And slightly confusing. I would suggest simply starting with "A thick fog settled over the Kedma Mountains." And then go into the 'two intervals' thing.

interesting. i especially liked the begining. however, the descriptions of the characters sort of stopped the flow of the story. if they do that, your reader will skip it to find out what happens next and miss something important. try to "weave" it into the story, if you know what i mean.