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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
You used "sigh", "boy oh boy"(who says that?), "dunno", and other such words a lot. It became annoying the way the MC talked and I hated her by the first couple of paragraphs. You need to look for things typical teenagers don't say (the MC says a lot of these) and insert things they do. But don't overdo the slang words. You need to find this character's genuine voice. And "count dorkula"? Could you please omit that? It sounds like someone getting made fun of on a cartoon TV show.
You spent the longest time describing the MC waking up in the morning. Honestly, we don't care about that. One or two sentences will suffice. To me, the most interesting part was the fact of her Pakistanian culture and how it affects her life. I think if you show how hard she tries to blend in and maybe show some aspects of her Pakistanian life in America (probably, right?). I think her parents could be very interesting characters...
You are focusing on her "nerdiness" and being a complaining, clumsy teenager. To some, this would be enough to capture them. But you said it in the first paragraph-- " You’re probably thinking I’m just another teenager with another angst story. " At this point it is. So focus on ideas that are original to your character's personal story and this will be good.
We also don't want huge blocks of narration, now do we?
Okay! So just a few comments from me.
So I won't go into the grammar stuff, because honestly that sort of stuff is a bit boring and I don't want to deal with it. However! I will say that you're a bit too informal for me. I don't like it when you began the sentence with "Sigh" simply because it didn't really... do anything and it wasn't grammatically correct. So I think it would be better if you did away with it completely.
With that said... you need more ACTION! It was mostly narrative and then... nothing. No, but really, you need to describe the fight more. What does paki mean? Why is it important? How exactly do they battle? How does our heroine win? You know... make it dramatic! Right now, we get a good picture of our heroine's view on life, but give us some meaty action as well.