Aveline was Harvey’s only remedy to the poison that seemed to flood him with age. Her eyes were pieces of honeycomb carved into charming irises. Her smile was made of rose petals and powdered sugar. Her hair was a silky smooth hot coffee with a bit too much cream. She was perfection, angelic, and-
Harvey had to get rid of her.
He clutched the biscuit recipe in his hands, silently cursing himself as he let his eyes run back and forth over the ingredient list. His sister had given it to him some time ago after a successful genocide, and she wanted him to give the same luck as her.
A bit too long ago for Harvey to remember the details, Aveline had declared her hatred for Harvey. She spat in his eyes, cursed his name, and stormed out, demanding a divorce. Harvey, who had blindly been in love, had never realized a simple truth about his wife. She had cheated on him. And, poor Aveline, she did not realize how horrible this man was. How much he hurt her with his hard gaze. How badly his calloused hands bruised her body when he struck her.
Aveline did not love Harvey, but he loved her too much to let her live the rest of her life with this man. And if she could not live life in love with Harvey, then she would not live at all.
Harvey tucked the recipe into his pocket and grabbed the bouquet of dahlias from the coffee table. His breath hitched as the front door swung open.
Aveline stood there, wearing a deep blue sequined dress that was so daring and lovely, all Harvey wished was to fall to his knees and worship her. Instead, he chose to clear his throat and speak.
“My darling,” he said softly. “Where were you all evening? And what are you doing looking so gorgeous without me?”
He already knew the answer, of course. The bruises on her neck explained well enough. But he needed to hear her say it.
“Out,” she said curtly, kicking her heels off and heading to the kitchen. “Lana held a party, and I know you hate parties.”
“Do I now?” Harvey said through gritted teeth. He stealthily slipped a dagger into his hand as he watched Aveline being piling leftovers onto a plate. Slowly, he put his hands on her hips and knocked her with the knife, letting blood drip into the vile tucked into his sleeve.
“Harvey!” she hissed, shoving him away. The knife was already hidden again. “You cut me.”
“I’m sorry, darling,” he murmured. “I haven’t cut my nails in a while.”
“Stupid man…” she muttered and turned back around, placing her leftovers in the microwave.
Harvey smiled as he took a glance at the blood-filled vial in his pocket.
Harvey didn’t have enough hate to use his own blood for the recipe. But Aveline’s blood was toxic enough for both of them.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to leave a little comment/review~
I really enjoyed this story, right off the bat I was hooked by your first paragraph:
If I didn't know this was a horror story I would've assumed it was romance until Harvey's true motives were revealed. No joke, my jaw actually dropped when I read that. Shock factor is always a great choice to get readers invested in the genre, well done!
Another thing that caught my attention right at the start was the beautiful word choice and description. Not only does it provide a stark difference to what's about to be revealed to the reader and heighten the shock, its simply fun to read and better than bland descriptions (though, this is my personal opinion others may prefer otherwise).
I love the last line as well:
You end the story with another shocking reveal that he plans to end both of their lives when it's seemed like Harvey only planned to end Aveline's. You also reveal that he needs her blood, specifically hate filled blood, for the deadly recipe. This leaves the readers with a ton of unanswered questions, which is great because it leaves us wanting more of your writing and lingering on possibilities to fill in the blanks (Like, the blood is really weird...but I still wanna know what's up with that psycho sister??).
You had a strong start and finish to your story and packed in just enough background in the middle to give us some insight into the MCs history and dynamics which is really impressive for such a short piece.
The pacing and story is great but I do have a couple critiques on grammar and clarity.
In this sentence I think you accidentally switched around some words:
She gave him the recipe so he could be lucky right? It should be switched to:
"His sister had given it to him some time ago after a successful genocide, and she wanted to give him the same luck as her."
In this sentence "being" is unnecessary:
Also instead of "knocked" I think nicked is the word you meant to write.
These critiques are nit-picky, overall you have an amazing story here! One that I wish I could know all the lore to. Keep writing!!!
-myah
I am usually not an avid fan of horror, but I loved this short story! Your ability to describe people and set the scene is quite powerful. The way you transitioned from how Aveline looked to Harvey wanting to kill her in the beginning of the story was really well done. It expertly showcased how erratic and unstable Harvey was. When you described Harvey's thoughts on the man that Aveline is now with, it made me consider that he might be lying, as he seems quite unreliable as a narrator. Is he deluding himself that the bruises she's acquired are from abuse and not from a pleasurable rendezvous? What's also very interesting is that Harvey, as much as he wants to think he's sly, is quite obviously not happy with this divorce. The fact that he asks Aveline where she was looking so gorgeous without him is evidence enough. However, Aveline, while not deserving what might happen to her seems to be quite self-centered. She clearly thinks she's better than him and underestimates Harvey's cunningness. When she says that Harvey hates parties, I have a hard time believing her as she doesn't seem to pay much attention to Harvey in general. Does she even know what his favorite color is? Her egocentricity blinds her from the obvious and allows Harvey plenty of room to perfect his scheme.
It is very clear that they are doomed to depend on each other. Aveline has someone to hate and Harvey has someone to worship. It was quite jarring at the end when I found out that he was willing to kill himself too. It drove home how desperate Harvey was to be with Aveline even if it meant ending their lives... I'm really intrigued as to how the blood will be toxic to both of them. That was a great cliffhanger.
Critiques: I had a bit of a hard time understanding this sentence: "His sister had given it to him some time ago after a successful genocide, and she wanted him to give the same luck as her". I think a better way this could be written would be, "His sister had given it to him some time ago after a successful killing spree and wanted to pass the luck that she had down to him".
I believe that these two sentences should be joined together. "She had cheated on him. And, poor Aveline, she did not realize how horrible this man was" to "She had cheated on him and poor Aveline did not realize how horrible this man was".
Change "sequined" to "sequin" in this sentence. "Aveline stood there, wearing a deep blue sequin dress that was so daring and lovely, all Harvey wished was to fall to his knees and worship her".
Instead of "kicking her heels off" it should be "kicking off her heels". It flows better.
You switch from using dagger to knife. You should keep the name of the instrument used consistent. I also believe the work you were looking for was "nicked" and not "knocked".
When Aveline gets cut, she should then be pressing a tissue or something of the like onto her injury. It read like she just let the blood flow, which came off a bit strange. Also, did Harvey end up damaging the dress he loved so much? If so, she should react accordingly to that.
The last two sentences should be combined and the second use of "blood" should be removed. Also, add "the" before "both". "Harvey didn’t have enough hate to use his own blood for the recipe, but Aveline’s was toxic enough for the both of them".